Thursday, September 30, 2010

Sage and Pepper

Today's hapless Seeker's may be found here.

1. Former friends of Seeker's late parents threaten to make public pornographic videos of the parents and "friends."

The Sage commends you on your admirable submission of a fake dilemma. At last, the Minions have found fodder worthy of the Sage's prescient Wisdom. The most entertaining solution to this situation, naturally, would be to offer to show the videos to their own family and friends. If these ever even existed, your parents almost certainly destroyed them during your move.

2. Seeker's father is retiring. Seeker's sister refuses to come unless everyone at the party sings "Happy Birthday" to her boyfriend, known to none of the father's coworkers.

The Sage fails to see where the problem is. Simply tell your sister that all of you will see her the next day. Also mention that years from now, when her children ask why she isn't in the pictures of the event, you'll be more than happy to explain it to them.

3. Seeker's wife works at a menial job. Seeker is embarassed to tell his coworkers.

The Sage recommends that you quit your job with all the snooty advertising executives, and join your wife at her fast food job, so that she will no longer be embarassed to tell her own coworkers what you do for a living.

4. Seeker's friend requests that the Seeker take a college course, pretending to be the friend.

The Sage suggests that you do as requested. You will learn a new language, and may hear additional new words when the instructor asks for your identification at the final.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Jocko and the Sage

Greetings, Seekers! The Sage has had to enlist Jocko and the boys to resolve the technical difficulties which were clouding the Crystal Sphere and making channeling the Sage ever so difficult. Jocko has graciously offered to provide his and his colleages' services while the Sage dispensers Wisdom to this week's Seekers

1. Seeker was terrorized by a mean teacher as a child, and has discover said teacher is still employed by the same district.

The Sage is stupified that such a travesty has been permitted to persist for such a lengthy period. As you were unable to remedy this egregiousness in your youth, and will be discounted now as having a faulty memory of the situation, you have only two remedies from which to choose. The more memorable of these, naturally, is to hold this teacher and her class hostage, and after releasing the innocents, termiate both this beast and yourself. A significantly less painful route would be to have Jocko and the boys remove her tongue, so that she would be unable to continue inher current profession. Her plight would also serve as a warning to those who might dare intimidate you in the future.

2. Seeker and two other ladies own a business. While the dresscode is relatively formal, one owner does not seem to feel this includes supportive undergarments.

The Sage is dumbfounded that such a condition could persist a mere 2-plus years before the end of the Mayan long-count calendar. It is apparent that this harlot is incapable of conducting herself professionally. Either have Jocko and the boys explain the seriousness of her offense, or buy her out before she drives your enterprise into sure bankruptcy.

And now, a word from our Minions:

All right, all you Seekers and Acolytes out there. Do you think we do this for our health? No! We have to eat, too, you know, and if the Sage doesn't start getting some better Seekers showing up a tthe Mystic Cave, we may find ourselves without a cavern over our heads. So let's get some feedback here, and be sure to submit your personal dilemmas to our Great Sage at Don't make us call Jocko and the boys! We now return you to your regularly scheduled Mystic.

3. Seeker's husband finally is employed, but hours are too long to see his son in the evening.

The Sage fails to understand why this is an issue. At age 16-months, your son doesn't require the same hours as other children his age. Either adjust his day to stay up until after his father is home, or get the child up earlier to see him. He will adjust. Perhaps you could also enlist Jocko and the boys to explain to your husband colleagues how playing with his toddler is so much more important than feeding him.

4. Daughter's friend likes to sleep over, but is finicky about meals.

The Sage recognizes how this can be a life altering situation for your family. Obviously, the simplest solution would be for your to feed your own family junk food at every meal, in case one of their friends should chance to be at the table with you. Disregard lesser Advisors who might suggest that the child eat before coming over, or that she be told that this is the meal for tonight and how sorry you are that she won't be able to enjoy it with the rest of you. You definitely need Jocko and the boys to pay a visit to the child before her next outing to your home, to explain what might happen to little girls who fail to be appreciative of what is set before them.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Today's Seekers may be found here:

1. Daughter's fiance has committed such egregious social blunders as tucking his shirt in while standing in front of Seeker.

The Sage is at a loss to understand why you did not speak up before now. When the gentleman committed ungentlemanly acts which might charitably be explained as a lack of proper upbringing. As to the charge that he intentionally rubbed his clothes genitalia against your back, most individuals would, at that moment, have asked him to desist, or mentioned it to your daughter shortly after. Since you have opted to let these behaviors continued unchecked, the Sage must conclude that you have enjoyed these attentions, and are only bothered now that he intends to become a permanent member of your extended family. Naturally, you must describe, in full detail, every minute transgression you have been forced to endure at the hands of this young degenerate to your daughter, his intended, so that his attentions may directly only toward you in the future.

2. Adult former bullying victim has located former Omega female on Facebook and wishes to apologize.

The Sage recognizes that you have grown since your age was written with a single digit, and surmises that your own former victim has, as well. You may even pat yourself on the back for having prepared this young woman for a lifetime of dicriminatory behaviors directed against herself and any children she may now have. However, the Sage fails to see what harm could come from a simple message, apologizing for youthful misdeeds, particularly if this is not accompanied with a request that she now become your "friend." Many people get past childhood hurts, and she may not remember your actions as well as you do yourself, or she may see you as the one person in her life she wishes never again to see.

3. Seeker's unemployed brother-in-law has invited Seeker and husband to his timeshare, but at their expense.

The Sage is aghast that an unemployed man would expect any financial assistance from his loving family toward a vacation at which he is providing the lodging at no cost to his guests. The Sage demands that you instantly cut this person off from your life forever, so that you never again need to enjoy a vacation without paying for your own room.

4. Seeker has been in therapy for 2 years, and has not yet informed the therapist that the Seeker's name is being misspelled.

The Sage agrees that you are in need of therapy to deal with your issues. A good rule of thumb concerning one's own name is to let errors go with someone you do not expect to see again, and to correct such errors when you do expect a coninued relationship, personal or professional. Now would be a good time to say to your therapist that you have been planning to mention the spelling error, but did not wish to seem petty at the time. Then you must ask the therapist to recommend a therapist you can actually assist you in learning to stand up for yourself.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Cheating cheaters and the Sage who called them on it.

This week's Seekers or those around them seem to have difficulty grasping and holding onto truths.  Fortunately, the Sage has always been a great dispenser of Truth.

1. The first Seeker is devastated that, having married a surgically sterile father a decade ago, she is now unable to fulfill her new-found goal of producing a child within her own womb.

The Sage concurs that by any means necessary, you must produce your own genetic descendants, or else your very existence in this Realm will have been for nought. Do not listen to those scoffers who would suggest that by rearing your husband's two young children, you have already made a difference in the world. Nor should you consider the feelings of your husband, who having teenaged or young adult offspring is now ready to enjoy his life as an empty nester. Nor should you consider the sensibilities of the step-children, who might wonder if you considered them to be poor substitutes for the past decade. Above all, do not consider fostering someone else's child. You are a woman, so it must be your perogative to change your mind, regardless of how old you or your husband will be when the child reaches 18, or the expense involved at the time your husband may be thinking of how to pay for college tuitions. Your overly delayed maternal longings are paramount, above any of those consideration. Find a lover and get pregnant or find OctoMom's doctor and get a turkey baster. Your husband will surely grow to appreciate your seeing beyond his pathetic reasoning, logic, and vasectomy.

2. The second Seeker is a scholar who has uncovered evidence of an earlier scholar having produced work not entirely his own.

The Sage commends you on your hard work to this date and encourages you to recognize, as did this other student, that now is the time to relax and to permit others to do the work for you. Think how fulfilled you will be knowing that cheating (such a harsh word) is such a simple task, provided that one keeps the topic obscure enough and the faculty fails to glance over any of the referenced sources. While there are those who have near-photographic memories and readily quote sources without realizing it, the Sage recognizes that those individuals running the risk of unintentional plagarism generally are aware of it by the post-graduate level. Since the preceding student will not have the degree revoked, your future colleagues might appreciate knowing that they must not permit this person to peruse their own, unpublished works.

3. Next comes a Seeker who is in the same field as the Seeker's daughter, and has been challenged that assisting the daughter is tantamount to dishonesty.

The Sage insists that you and your daughter throw yourselves at the feet of your colleague, and beg that he or she contact your own alma maters with the intent of having your academic and professional qualifications instantly revoked. You committed the most heinous crime of assisting a fellow professional in your field, while she merely failed to admit having consulted another in the field for some guidance. Public quartering would be too good for either of you. Should you miraclulously survive this punishment, discontinue such discussions with this helpful colleague. It is unlikely you would survive the tar and feathers which must surely accompany a second offense.

4. Our final Seeker is a widow whose late husband's parents seem to provoke the Seeker at every turn with respect to how to remember their beloved son.

The Sage conprehends that your husband's parents are themselves grieving. They obviously have had some difficulty letting him be an adult and permitting you and him to form your own nuclear family. With this understanding, the Sage believes that you have found your answer without the Sage's help. However, you might consider discussing with them their latest aggrievement and how it made their grandchildren feel, before you make the final step to remove them from your lives. In this way, they will understand that you were not merely looking to keep them from "all that remains" of their late son.