The Great Sage

The Sage answers magazine-inspired Seekers.

2012-01-26T05:15:00.000-08:00

Today's Seekers, found at http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/01/sick_spouse_is_it_ok_to_take_a_lover_if_your_husband_can_t_meet_your_needs_.single.html#pagebreak_anchor_2, seem to be created dilemmas from the Lesser Advisor's weekly reading. However, answers will be provided below.

1. The Sage, being such an ancient dispenser of Wisdom, can certainly grasp the enormity of this problem. Sadly, this situation or something like it affects many couples as they age. You, and you alone, are the only person who can answer whether you would be able to do this or whether the guilt would make your proposed situation untenable. Additionally, you must consider what will happen should you develop tender feelings for this hyspothetical individual and what you would be likely to do should this occur.

2. The Sage believes that you have already been far more generous with this woman that any person should be expected to be, when you permitted her to borrow your womb - and indeed, your entire body - for several months. Do not wait until the next large family gathering to speak to her about this situation. Calmly explain that you are delighted that she now has this wonderful daughter. However, it hurts you deeply when she makes these comments about how you appear after having assited her in this way. Tell her simply to refrain from these hurtful comments, adding if necessary that you do not constantly remind her of her inability to bear a child, and that these comments of hers toward you are just as cruel.

3. The Sage would point out that since you hired this individual, he is your responsibility. You are not doing your job of managing him, and must call him into his office to point out in a professional manner how his attitude is undermining the morale within the department. One need not steal the company funds to be disruptive, as you have found out. However, you also must ask yourself how this rather cliquish group seems to the new man. Perhaps when you all get together and chat about past vacations, ask about each others children, pets, and hobbies and use inside jokes, you are inadvertently making him feel like the odd man out, causing him to lash out at each of you.

4. The Sage is bemused that you consider a vacation a time during which any of you need cook. Granted, this can be less expensive and more healthy, but if this is your normal household task, your vacation sounds more like taking your work on the road with you. You must speak to your husband's mother and express your concern that your two households generally do not eat the same. Follow the the assertion that you do not mind cooking for all of you. Then you may suggest that she and her husband might be happier if she cooked for the two of them, and you for thee ones in your own household. At worst, she will not be surprised when you do this on your vacation. Since this obviously will entail more cleanup, you and your husband must be prepared to assist her with cleaning up all the utensils for both of you after each meal. However, if there are many families on this trip, then you need simply to add one or two courses acceptable to you at each meal.

The Sage addresses bad behaviors.

2012-01-19T05:09:00.000-08:00

Today's Seekers may be found here: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/01/make_out_queen_my_bridesmaid_girlfriend_hooked_up_with_three_groomsmen_.single.html#pagebreak_anchor_2

1. The Sage presumes that you never have made out with any women besides your current girlfriend, or that if you have, you moved immediately after it ended to another state in order never to have contact with that women again. Absillutely, you must avoid this wedding and never see this woman again. Do not neglect to move hundreds of miles away from her, in case yo uever find another girlfriend. She deserves to be with a man who can trust her, once she has made a tentative commitment to someone. You obviously are not that man.

2. The Sage suggests that your husband tell his parents that they are adults and may do whatever they wish, whether he approves or not. He must add, however, that he refuses to be involved in any way in these decisions. Encourage your husband to refuse to be executor of their wills one day, as the executor can in some instances, be held fiscally responsible for debts of the estate being handled.

3. The Sage concurs that an adult in a professional setting should not act like a 10-year old. As your husband has found out, this may have serious repercussions. As to your own marriage, insist that the matter now be dropped and not mentioned again by either of you until any trial which may arise from this, but you also need to keep an eye on the household condiments. The Sage disagrees with the Lesser Advisor that your husband's motive was to make his coworker ill, but merely intended to make the coffee taste unpleasant; and recognizes that this still is not the behavior of a responsible adult.

4. The Sage feels almost as bad about your situation as she does about that of the children in this teacher's care. Regardless of circumstance, you must report these actions posthaste. Explain your concerns about your evaluation with the principal, who may be able to provide you a positive evaluation for doing the right thing, or at least locate a different teacher with whom to pair you. These children must not be left in this situation one more day than absolutely necessary. If you are still hesitant, consider that a single parent complaining to a parent may make you equally culpable in the eyes of the principal and your instructors, for having permitted it to continue.

Postdated Sage

2012-01-07T06:35:00.000-08:00

The Sage has been speechless the last few days and therefore unable to address this week's Seekers. However, with the assistance of one the the Sage's more vocal Minions, this will be remedied now. As the Sage was unable to speak previously, credit is given to other views postulated by other Advisors.

The Seekers may be found here: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/01/i_farted_in_front_of_my_boyfriend_.single.html

1. The Sage would note that people naturally have gas in their digestive systems, which naturally comes out, one way or the other. If your boyfriend expects a woman who is not a real person, perhaps he would be better off purchasing a Stepford Wife. (The Sage is referring to the type from the book, not from the movie.)

2. The Sage recommends that when someone states that they do not wish to discuss a confidence earlier shared, that the individual means just that. Do not discuss this further, and do not act differently than you did before. When she is ill enough for this to impact her ability to perform as a professional and as a mother, she will then do what needs to be done. Ignore the advice of the busybody Lesser Advisor.*

*Another Advisor has rightfully pointed out that perhaps this individual made up this tale while tipsy, and is now embarassed at the fabrication.

3. The Sage suspects there is a reason that you went to live with your grandmother rather than with your own father, and that you now have seen only a part of the reason. Remind your girlfriend that if you were not with her, you might well be with some other woman, and your father's reaction would be the same. You both need to write him off for the overzealous bigot that he apparently is.

4. The Sage is rather surprised at this alleged dilemma; although, it most certainly does happen that people sometimes hide their income, or else live in a valuable property that they can ill afford to keep.** Be assured that those in the position of making a final decision regarding her financial assistance research the backgrounds of their candidates thoroughly, including determining their applicants' parents approximate net worth. This is not your responsibility.

** Other Advisors have correctly mentioned that people often live on the properties of friends, relatives, employers, or even as boarders; without the owners' income being part of that of the residents'. Others have pointed out that even well-off students may need assistance to attend certain private institutions.

Sage replies to Monday's Seekers from Tuesday on Wednesday

2012-01-04T09:00:00.000-08:00

1. The Sage wonders whether your ex is the gentleman who consulted the Lesser Advisor some time back, inquiring about the wisdom of having sex with the nanny. Your focus does need to be your offspring. The only way to control who their step-mother will be would to ensure that no step-mother is possible. However, homicide might also remove the possibility of them having a mother, as well.

2. The Sage agrees that recipients of gifts must show some appreciation. Perhaps your aunt has gone around a bend most of us would prefer to avoid, and this is why your uncle has finally intervened. Should you receive an old calendar in the future, thank her for the pretty pictures. Some people who do crafts appreciate a good, out of date calendar.

3. The Sage recommends that you and your son each poffer a sincere apology for the accident. In your apology, admit that the item was irreplaceable, but resist the temptation to mention that such treasures should not be left where children might accidentally crash into them.

4. The Sage wonders why your assurance was that you would not tell - yet later did - rather than that someone who truly loves her would forgive her behavior, especially if it was not repeated. Explain now that the boy was upset, and when people are upset, they try and usually succeed to hurt the other person's feelings. The Sage suspects you have unusually high expectations for this small child.

5. The Sage does not believe that your desire to meet your children's new sibling is unreasonable, but does agree that it might be better for you to wait until the child has arrived home, unless an explicit invitation has been extended for you to join the family at the hospital. If you are not sure whether such an invitation to the children was meant to include you, you have the Sage's permission to ask the parents-to-be.

6. The Sage thanks you for not rudely pointing out to your father and uncle how rude they were being to share a private joke in a large setting, much less to be using the cell phone at dinner. Let it go. Perhaps try to separate these children at the next family meal.

7. Which Minion let you in here?

8. You are late. Also, Seekers may only visit the Mystic Cave once with the same concern, especially if it has been resolved. However, grandparents who measure their love for a grandchild based on her newly-revealed biology do not deserve a relationship with her.

9. The Sage must remind you that you have no rights regarding your ex's legally made decisions. Be assured that if she were not of legal majority, he would not be seen in public with her. Under no circumstance may you consider using your children as spies, so do not ask.

10. The Sage disagrees that this woman is your friend. A friend would know that you would have been divorced by now, and would be happy that you are moving on with your life.

11. Again, the Sage must remind you that you have no rights regarding your husband's legally made decisions. Unless you believe your children will be lying awake while your husband and his girlfriend copulate, this is none of your business; it is at least not your place to instruct him on correct behavior.

Any other Seekers gathered at the Mystic Cave to ask how to control an ex's behavior with his or her new love, please leave now.

12. The Sage wonders how you surmised that she forced your father's hand. Perhaps she is retaining your father's estate only until her own death, at which time, the remaining estate will be divided between the progeny both of herself and of your father.

13. The Sage will reply that when your children's emotional well-being is at stake, you must be direct and forthcoming. Explain to your bride that the two of you immediately will taking courses or counselling to help you each know what to expect of the children and how properly to deal with them. Add that this is non-negotiable.

14. The Sage suggests that you continue to see your father when your brother does, so that he is not overwhelmed by your father's beliefs. Once you are both of age, you may each do as you wish regarding this relationship. Your father's mind is made up, and he does not wish to be confused with facts, such as that he was not refused permission to see each of you, despite of his warped opinions.

15. The Sage would prefer that you speak privately with this person and explain that this behavior was ill advised, but not as ill advised as posting this picture in a public place. Encourage her to remove the picture and not to repeat the behavior.

Happy HoliSage

2011-12-22T06:23:00.000-08:00

The Sage is on holiday for the next week or so. However, since the Minions have gone to such trouble to make the Mystic Cave festive for the occasion, here are this week's Seekers:

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2011/12/christmas_advice_on_changing_traditions_estranged_relatives_religious_hypocrisy_and_unwanted_gifts_.single.html

1. The Sage understands that you do not wish life to change beyond what existed when you were a wee tot, and are justifyably angry that your sister-in-law dare wish to be with her own original family while including her husband's original family. The Sage can only comfort you with the thought that sometimes, entire households are erased when travelling during the holidays, particularly if conditions are poor or if the driver or a driver encountered has been imbibing excessively.

V. The Sage womders why you would care so to get the entire family together, when by your own admission, none of you get along. Rather than trying desperately to have someone invite the combatants - or rather your relatives - drive across town to descend upon a single individual's home, locate a restaurant which will be open on Christmas Day and which will tolerate the lot of you occupying a reasonable section of the establishment for the short time in which all parties will be able to restrain their impulses to quarrel.

2. The Sage recognizes that many families have one or more member who simply refuses to get along with the others, and that this person may later seek forgiveness from those whom he or she has wronged. You are not evil to wish to avoid contact with this person. However, you cannot accept his largesse silently. If you intend to maintain your concerned distanced, you must return the gifts with a polite note that you prefer not to reignite this relationship. Keeping them only tells him that you are both rude and avaricious.

3. The Sage too wonders why your entire family must be dragged to a religious service twice a year, when not even your hosts take their religion seriously. However, you are not free to change the habits of anyone but yourself and any minor children you happen to have brought along. Infrom your family that you have made other plans during this time slot. You may imply that you will be meeting with an old friend, even if your plans consist entirely of driving around the block until they are gone and returning to read a good book.

4. The Sage is please that around the age of thirty, you and your sister are finally adults. Your aunt and uncle care about you, but acknowledge that they do not know you well enough to select a gift which would be meaningful to either of you. The Sage continued to receive two small bills in a birthday card every year from a sainted grandmother until the day the grandmother died. If you feel silly accepting the checks, write an equal one to the charity of your choice.

(The Lesser Advisor also gave excellent advice to this Seeker.)

The Sage will now retreat back into the Mystic Cave to continue holiday festivities, and hopes to re-emerge in or about the new year. May all Minions, Acolytes, and Seekers have a safe and pleasant year's end.

Sage and the Familial Seekers

2011-12-15T05:11:00.000-08:00

Today's Seekers may be found here. http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2011/12/boyfriend_is_allergic_to_cats_should_i_give_mine_up_.html

1. The Sage appreciates your concern for the welfare of your cat, and your desire to be with the man whom you love. Remember that it will be more satisfying to relocate the cat and visit him regularly, than to find a new lover for your gentleman friend and to hope for visitation rights.

2. The Sage would point out that many individuals never receive gifts - spontaneous or toherwise - from the objects of their affection. Accept that he is loving you in the way that he is able to love you. Begin reminding him a week or so before special events, so that he may rush out and buy or hurry and order your gifts in time for you to receive them on your special day.

3. The Sage is pleased that you and your husband have been able to work out your religious differences in a way that works for you. As you have already explained to your son that Grandma and Grandpa selebrate different holidays than you do, permit him to share their joy in opening a present on "their" holiday. Most children care little for the wrapping paper of a gift, and simple want to rip it off to see what is beneath. Adding a holiday not your own should not lessen the joy of your own celebrations, particularly as you are active in your religious practices with him.

4. The Sage recognizes that many people have literal dreams of their childhood places, and that many adults dream of a return to those carefree years, when they were not expected to make important decisions or to fend for themselves. However, the Sage assures you that were you to enter the house now, even if it were completely empty, it would only disturb those happy memories with thoughts of, "When did they move that wall?" "The bed belongs near the window, not there!" and "I can believe how run down this place looks!" Cherish the memories and peruse photographs from your childhood. There is a reason for the expression, "You can't go home again."

(Pre-)Winter Sage

2011-12-01T20:48:00.000-08:00

1. The Sage cries Poppycock! You have enough genetic information about your family from your father and siblings, which is more than many people have now, and as much as most people had in the early 1950's. Admit to yourself that you are simply overly curious. Feel free to test yourself for the gene carrying your niece's disease, but respect your father's wishes and make no inquiries as to his origins until his hopefully distant demise.

2. The Sage would point out that whether your husband flushes or rinses, water is still going down the drain when he urinates. This is a disgusting and juvenile habit which he needs to stop right now. Purchase him a male portable urinal and suggest he carry it around, and once he pours the full container into a toilet, to feel proud that he saved the water for a couple of extra flushes.

3. The Sage will not give you permission to harm this woman farther. She either does not know of the affair, or more likely, has accepted that her husband was unfaithful and has put it behind her. Telling her about it now in the form of an apology would serve no usefull purpose. Speak to someone to help you get over your obsession with this man, made evident by your compulsion to search the Internet for information about him.

4. The Sage suggests that you invite this friend and her fiance to a dinner with only a few people she actually knows well, preferably just you with your partner and she with hers. You admit that she is very shy. Having a fiance does not change her character; it only provides additional support from a loving man when she does find herself unexpectedly out of her element.

Monday mumbling

2011-11-28T16:17:00.000-08:00

1. The one someone should speak to would be your brother. She's doing nothing illegal, but if it isn't addressed sooner than later, it will be that much more difficult to address later. If there's someone else in the family with small children or who is a pediatrician, have them offer her viable options so that she doesn't have to sit outside her son's classroom once her starts kindergarten.

2. The girl was correct. Perhaps she could have phrased it better, but if the family must choose sides, I hope you choose on basis of ethics rather than inheritance.

3. This may well be a deal-breaker, and you need to tell her if it is. Why it's okay to have sex with her boyfriend but not her husband, is what you need to focus the discussion toward.

4. It's awkward for many people to fool around in their parents' homes. Tell him if you compromise and use a hotel, then he needs to insure you return to the house early enough to perform your usual agreed-upon chores.

5. NAQ

6. He wouldn't have kept them for so long had he not wished to share them, or he would have left a rider on his will stipulating what to do with them. Such journals are boons to historians, as they detail ordinary cusstoms which are usually considered to be too mundane to mention anywhere else.

7. Being a minor does limit your options. Enlist your parents' help with this, or the owner of whichever house the festivities are in. Explain thatyou need a few minutes now and then to regroup, and that you can be much better company if this is allowed. They can then stand guard and redirect anyone heading toward your room. (Announcing a walk means everyone else will want to come along. Homework means they'll tell you to put it off or offer to help.)

8. Respecting each other's individual differences is a wonderful way to show respect. Love him the way he needs to be loved, not the way you want him to love you.

9. Who picks the "child" each year? Perhaps it's time to specify some preferences about the child you will be sponsoring - such as under a certain age. This young man may be mentally handicapped and forever a child. Consider purchasing a good, used system.

10. Be honest. Maybe he will learn to be, as well. Tell him you found out he is still actively looking for someone else, so you have decided to, as well. An e-mail break-up is also acceptable in this situation.

11. You did nothing almost any other young child would not have done, including the lie you told. You and your friend should probably not have been unattended in the front yard at that age, until you both knew how to safely cross a street. Your parents probably should have found you a counsellor for a few session to sort out your grief and confusion. Since they did not, please do so now.

12. Assume MIL is losing her marbles, and let it go. Have her looked at by a competent gerontologist if you think she really is.

13. NAQ, but we never took on this type of charity, as the kids usually wanted things we couldn't afford to get our own family, much less one child.

14. NAQ

15. NAQ

16. NAQ. I won't add my other thoughts about Pru's response.

17. Please break up with her and tell her in breaking up that abuse is abuse. If you breed with her, your children will be given this same line of bull; but she'll tell them how it's okay for parents to hit children for discipline, but not the other way around.

18. Don't mention it. It will only bring up unpleasant memories.

19. Say, "don't you have anything better to do?" Then tell HR that you feel this is a form of sexual harassment, if they don't desist.

20. You should have told them to quit bullying the other children (as often as necessary), then left it up to them to decide to move elsewhere. If the parents then objected, tell them that if they can't keep their kids in line, you will make sure the others are safe.
21. They probably wouldn't have given it to you if they couldn't afford it. (Are they showing signs of dementia?) If you really feel bad about taking it, or think they can't afford it, convince your husband to put it into a CD, which you can use to help them if they run out of money.
22. NAQ

Early morning Sage

2011-11-17T05:02:00.000-08:00

Today's Seekers may be found here: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2011/11/help_i_m_too_pretty_for_my_own_good_.html

1. The Sage wonders whether this is truly a complain, or whether you are engaging in self adulation. Spend less time worrying about these comments and do your work. Some fawning on the part of others no doubt contributes to your success; however, this is fleeting. More importantly, you must learn to distinguish between joviality and solemnity.

V. The Sage commends you on your practicality in recognizing that your dog will likely predecease you, but would remind you that if you are approaching the halfway point in your life, so will half of the people youcare about. Unless you also dwell on the future funeral plans for your parents and other loved ones, try to enjoy your canine companion while you may. On a more cheerful note, it is entirely possible that you will actually predecease your dog.

2. The Sage would remind you that you are now an adult and have options other than returning to your parents to feed you for this holiday. You may, with the Sage's blessing, inform them that you have other plans this year. If you parents have other redeeming qualities, or if you have other relatives who regularly gather to be with them, consider going every two or three years, but make it clear that as an adult, it is now tome to begin making your own holiday traditions. Perhaps this will include assisting at a community celebration which includes those who have less for which to be thankful.

3. The Sages suggests that you tell your husband, "I take the bus in order to save us money, while Elaine has a good job and can afford to get her own car waxed." Explain that this is one favor too many for your marital comfort. In the Sage's long existence, never has the Sage has an automobile waxed, yet the Sage's modes of transportation have always looked clean and lustrous.

4. The Sage will permit you to be less of a good listener with you safe and privileged crowd, provided that once one of these individuals does face an actual crisis, you remain available to comfort them. Naturally, finding a different crown with which to hang is also perfectly acceptable.

Sage's Minion Speaks

2011-10-17T18:41:00.000-07:00

Hello. As the Sage was unable to locate any great minds to edify the Seekers, and was unwilling to address them personally, the task today has fallen upon me. First, look here http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2011/10/should_they_tell_their_twins_they_came_from_donor_eggs_.html for today's Seekers.

1. The parents have the right to tell (or not tell) their children anything they want. However, your wife needs to be aware that the children are being shortchanged in knowing that her medical history is not their medical history. FOr instance, assuming one is a daughter and her mother and/or materal aunts develop breast cancer, she probably wouldn't benefit from DNA screening to see if she carries the gene. If she had the testing, she'd find out the truth soon enough and may well feel her world shake from knowing she'd been lied to her entire life.

(Note: I have relatives who were created with donor sperm. The father is now deceased, and the children think they are at high risk of dying from what killed him.)

(Prudie: If they go to such a support group, that itself may inform the kids of the truth.)

2. Tell them you dropped and broke it, and were too upset to tell them the truth. Hopefully, they won't buy a twin replacement.

3. You should have discussed this privately with your husband, and he should have told his family members that he didn't think he could do this. Instead, now you're the bad guy in the whole story, even though they are being unreasonable to make you so. This is a very private decision, and they have no right to try to coerce your husband to comply.

4. Yes. This used to be the norm among royalty and other upper class households. Whose business is it, anyway?

5. What's your question?

6. That's what I said.

7. Contact her and tell her your financial advisor (even if that is me) told you that you needed to have her sign a promissory note for that much money, specifying what she owes and how and when she will repay it. At a minimum, if she defaults, you can take it off your income tax with proof of the loan.

8. That's rather obvious. And yes, you CAN mention it too often. My non-adopted nephew was often made to feel he was NOT special, since they kept harping on how the adopted one WAS special.

9. What is this, second guess Prudie Day? Either add a comment after it posts, or submit an article to The Fly. The requesting couple are the ones limiting their parenting options by refusing to consider anything BUT the brother's sperm.

10. Yeah, whatever.

11. Tell her you will let her approve any pictures in which she is prominent when you are finished. This is also inconveniencing the others in any group photos, who have to wait for her to decide, then pose over and over, without knowing how they themselves look. She can request she be blotted out if the picture makes everyone else look good and her bad.

12. What she is doing is called "free lancing". Since it pays well, shut up.

13. Tell Mom she doesn't have to visit you and your cats.

14. Zzzzzz. I'm sorry; we're you trying to say something?

15. She won't listen. Don't waste your breathe ... er, uh, keystrokes.

(Note that Prudie is now calling her advice "Pronouncements"! Even SHE must love the Great Sage!)

The Sage suffers Self-Serving Seekers

2011-10-06T10:16:00.000-07:00

Today's Seekers may be found here: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2011/10/dear_prudence_my_wife_doesn_t_want_sex_so_i_visit_prostitutes_.single.html

1. The first Seeker has been seeking out prostitutes to make up for a deficiency in his home sex life.

The Sage admires your flexibility and ingenuity in finding a solution which appears to meet your personal needs. However, since not all prostitutes are equal, the Sage would remind you that when you put your spouse at risk for STDs - as you are doing - then you must receive consent from your spouse or relieve yourself from responsibility to said spouse. Alternately, wait until that burning itch she develops results in a positive STD test and watch various items hitting the proverbial fan.

2. The second Seeker feels too inadequate to attend a 50+ year high school reunion, having once been voted "most likely to succeed."

The Sage would remind the Seeker that success if in the eye of the beholder. If you are/were happy in your career, have a successful relationship with your spouse, and your children - if any - are respectable, self-sufficient adults, then you are far more successful than most.

3. The next Seeker accidentally received an e-mail from his son expressing the son's apparent unhappiness at the Seeker's impending visit.

The Sage will answer simply: Yes, you did overreact. Individuals of your son's age use highly expressive language when expressing an inability to carry through with a previous engagement, as your son appears to have done with his girlfriend. Apologize for your over-reaction, and next time, ignore the mis-sent e-mail.

4. Today's final Seeker is expected to host a drunken friend who is celebrating a brithday for the entire weekend, and who is angry that the Seeker wishes to include her boyfriend.

The Sage does not believe that you were out of line to inform a self-invited guest that you wish to include someone else at a non-event of this nature. As your boyfriend is not welcome at the bar with your and "the girls", tell your friend what time after your evening spent elsewhere with your boyfriend you will be home in order to let her in for the night.

2011-09-30T05:24:00.000-07:00

Today's (yesterday's) Seekers may be found here:
http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2011/09/dear_prudence_my_abusive_mother_haunts_my_dreams_.single.html
The Sage wishes to apologize in advance for any typographical errors in the transmission of the Sage's Wisdom, as the Sage's advice is being typed by a Minion whose skills are quite atrocious. [That's "good", right? - the typing Minion]

1. The first Seeker is dismayed at her physical likeness to her poor excuse for a mother.

The Sage can but point out that physical similarity is no indicator of likeness in character. People have clones beloved pets, only to find that while the pet may look just like Muffy, it has none of Muffy's endearing personality. The Sage also recommends looking into lucid dreaming, so that you might take control of your dreams and finally tell your mother - at least in your mind - what you really think.

2. The second Seeker managed to burn many bridges at work, and is wondering how to rebuild them.

The Sage has just one word for you: Transfer.

The Sage would wonder if you are not perhaps one of the previously dismissed Minions, except that you have managed to remain in your current position despite your surly attitude.

3. The next Seeker has found the perfect woman, except for one slight issue.

The Sage asks how someone who is not attracted to you can be the perfect woman for you, and encourages you to reconsider your policy of complete truth with your significant other. The Rotarians have a good set of rules to consider before speaking. You might wish to adopt it.

4. The final Seeker is at loggerheads over the future of their minor children in the event of their mutual and simultaneous demise.

The Sage notes that your in-laws have already agree to the possibility of becoming your children's legal guardians, and wonders whether you have also approached either set of grandparents to ask whether they, too, would consider this possibility. It may be that neither wishes to accept this responsibility, in which case your argument would be moot. Your attorney would likely recommend a back-up for whomever you name as guardian.

The Sage returns

2011-09-24T05:14:00.000-07:00

The Sage would like to announce a new Respite from the Mystic Cave, located here, http://www.facebook.com/#!/groups/282963985048855/?notif_t=group_r2j . Today, however, the Sage will counsel a group of Seekers from another Lesser Advisor, located here, http://news.yahoo.com/daughters-third-pregnancy-crosses-line-parents-063029336.html;_ylt=AtacU3SVp1B_PzKx_Qd3mCqGgsgF;_ylu=X3oDMTRoNzUxYmxwBGNjb2RlA2dtcHRvcDIwMHBvb2xyZXN0BG1pdANOZXdzIGZvciB5b3UEcGtnA2I2N2JiZWVlLTJmODktMzI4NC1iNjA3LTdhNTU0MDkyYzk2ZARwb3MDMQRzZWMDbmV3c19mb3JfeW91BHZlcgNiMjg0NzczMC1lNjc2LTExZTAtYmRmZi1kYjM4NTljNjYwODE-;_ylg=X3oDMTNpZnJxMG5lBGludGwDdXMEbGFuZwNlbi11cwRwc3RhaWQDNWE5ZWNjNWUtOWI4YS0zMzlkLThjYzQtODVjMGYxMjMwODkyBHBzdGNhdANzY2llbmNlfHNwYWNlIC0gYXN0cm9ub215BHB0A3N0b3J5cGFnZQR0ZXN0Aw--;_ylv=3

The first Seeker has two grandchildren, both young enough to be considered infants by many, The Seeker and the other grandparents pay for activities and daycare, and also babysit and feed these children for a total of five nights a week. The children's parents have announced a new "blessed event" to occur within the next several months.

The Sage cannot help but wonder what these children's parents actually do for their offspring. The children are in daycare ald also are gone five nights a week. have you visited their home, unannounced, to determine what may actually happen while they are there? They are yet too young to report on activities within their home. If the parents are too poor or too disinterested to see their own children except on weekends, regardless of whether they are availing themselves of public assistance, the Sage suspects something is amiss in their house, and would recommend voicing these concerns to the appropriate governmental agency. These children, including the unborn sibling, may well be better off in foster care, as neither set of grandparents is able to assume permanent custody.

The next Seeker is in a 4-year relationship, and has for most of this time been responsible for any transportation required for this relationship. The couple now lives quite near one another, and while the young man now has his own tranportation, he expects the Seeker to continue to be the transportation provider.

The Sage urges your to look deeply at this relationship. Are you with this man out of habit or out of true love? Would a man in love expect the one he loves to bear a burden which his loved one has expressed such dissatisfaction about? The Sage hears in your words the description of a little boy, not of a grown man, and urges you to strongly reconsider your upcoming marriage.

The next Seeker has decide that - after nearly two decades of marriage - she is unhappy in her current relationship, but too insecure to live on her own. However, she seeks advice on how to explain her need to "explore" on her own to her husband.

The Sage is curious as to what you expect to happen. You have set boundaries on the limits of what you will do, yet expect the Sage to provide a panacea for your wanderlust. You admit to experiencing a crisis of sorts. Perhaps you need to speak to your gynecologist or endocrinologist before you make any rash decisions, hurting your husband of many years and possibly burning one too many bridge behind yourself.

Sage sprouts

2011-02-24T05:38:00.000-08:00

The Sage has emerged from the mystic cave this morning, eager to engage a new crop of Seekers, who may be found here http://www.slate.com/id/2286140/.

1. The first Seeker rents a room from a single woman slightly older than himself. One morning she appeared in his room while he was unclothed, and her conversations since have become more frequent and more personal.

The Sage believes you should pounce upon this opportunity at once. While the Sage certainly would not recommend that you violate the sanctity of your marital vows, you might make the landlady believe that you intend to. Make your discussions much more direct and salacious, and when she suggests something more, ask about a reduction of the rent. Once this is accomplished, install small deadbolts to each entrance of your quarters and avoid her at all costs.

2, The second Seeker has a daughter who is the product of an extramarital affair. The Seeker's wife adopted the child, and all seems well. However, nosy individuals want to know more details as to the child's origins.

Simply put, the Sage urges you to tell them that this information is personal and therefore is none of their business.

3. Next we have a Seeker who wishes to have drawn permanently upon his body a memorial to his late grandparents. His mother gets quite dramatic about her objection to tatooes.

The Sage wonders whether this is information you really must share with your mother. If she objects so, the tatoo might be placed somewhere that she would never need to see it. The Sage would be remiss not to add that while memorials are nice, one's body might not be the best place for them. Everyone has had parents; therefore, everyone has had grandparents, and there will undoubtedly be others in your life whom you will lose to death. Consider a memorial that would be more in keeping with their daughter's feelings, but you are free to do whatever you eventually decide.

4. Finally, we have a Seeker whose office mate microwaves oatmeal with tuna every morning. The Seeker suggests a variety of resolutions, including getting an air freshener for the Seeker's cubicle.

The Sage agrees that treating the air in your own cubicle is the most viable solution, especially if you can find one which continues to treat the air all day. Consider also adding a fan, in order to blow the odors back toward your office mate.

Sage-rise musings

2011-01-06T05:09:00.000-08:00

Good morning, Seekers and Acolytes. The Sage has arisen early today so that the entrance to the Mystic Cave might be clear this week. The Seekers for this week may be found here http://www.slate.com/id/2280118/pagenum/2.

The First Seeker's sister is dating a registered sex offender, convicted of having molested a younger sister. The sister claims he was innocent and falls back on the accusation of the Seeker's family being "non-Christian" in choosing not to forgive him and permit him around the various minor nephews and nieces.

The Seeker tends to lean heavily to the side of protection of our young. Forgiveness can be a wonderful thing; however, the old expression of "Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me" comes into play here. Every criminal feigns innocence. Some are genuine in their denial of guilt. However, short of convening a trial with your fammily members as judge and jury, the only way to ascertain the validity of this man's claim of innocence is to discover his on-going abuse of a new batch of children. If you and yours wish to use your own children as subjects of this experiment, then you do not deserve the title of "parents."

The Seeker via video letter enjoys attending musical; however, the Seeker's close friend who usually attends with the Seeker sings or hums to every song she knows during the performance.

The Sage recommends that you explain to your friend that while she has a beautiful voice (or not!), you have paid to hear these professionals do the singing for now. Add that she may sing to her heart's content following the performance. Or, simply turn to her and ask, "Who's sings this?" When she answers the character on stage, say, "Let him."

The next Seeker sent inexpensive gifts to in-laws, warning them in advance that they would be less magnificent than usual. The mother-in-law send back her gift, claiming it was cheap and inappropriate, and demanded the return of her own gift to the Seeker.

The Sage is confused. You stated that this purse was a "gift", not account receivable on account of items paid. More importantly, how is it that "you" are giving these gifts, and not your spouse, the mother-in-law's child? Inform him (or her) of what has transpired and allow him to deal with the matter. The Sage strongly discourages you from returning her gift, explaining that once she gave it away, she lost control of its disposition. If this incident means that you no longer with this woman, consider it a win.

The next Seeker to approach the Mystic Cave has diagnosed a former coworker's difficulties in remaining employed as evidence that he has Asperger's Syndrome, and wishes to send him to a medical professional for help.

The Sage thinks your plan of explaining to this man that he is somehow deficient and needs medical intervention is magnificent. Certainly, simply advising him that he needs to find a position with limited contact with the public would not sufficiently establish your fine credentials as an unlicensed diagnostician. The Sage commends your ingenuity.

(Note to lesser Advisor: Asperger's is NOT a "mental condition", but a neurological developmental disorder. Thanks for the disinformation.)

Today's final Seeker plays high stakes poker with several friends, one of whom has been seen cheating on several occasions.

Thank you for this simple question. The Sage knows that the best thing to do is to wait until the cheater makes his move, point out the act, and order him to go, leaving any and all winnings on the table. Permit him to return, continuing to be vigilant as to his subterfuge. After he has been caught enough times with large enough stakes remaining, you should each have won back any of his ill-gotten gains. However, it would be more entertaining to hire a pair of actors dressed as policement to break into the game, preferably on cue from just outside the door upon your text command.

Satur-Sage

2010-12-18T10:56:00.000-08:00

The Sage apologizes for the unavoidable delay in advising this week's Seekers. Technical difficulties made the Mystic Cave inaccessible. However, this advise has been waiting in the wings until access was restored.

1. First today (or rather, last Thursday) is a Seeker whose boyfriend refuses to propose marriage until the Seeker has taken a lie detector test to prove that information about her past has been completely true.

The Sage concurs that the past cannot be undone, nor should this gentleman feels as if he were somehow betrayed by your behavior prior to being involved with him. This is provided, naturally, that those occurences do not affect him. For instatnce, a child for whom your are responsible or a communicable disease which might impact him are very much his business.

The Sage is curious about two things, however. First, the Sage wonders why you are not capable of asking him to wed you, since it does need to be by mutual agreement, unlike in the days of yore. More importantly, the Sage wonders why you wish to be tied to someone who has proven his distrust of you in such egregious ways. Are you prepared for him to be uninvolved in any future pregnancies, until the child is born and a paternity test may be performed? What you should do depends, of course, on what you want for the future; however, the Sage sees no happiness ever after within this union. Even employers are generally prohibited from require these tests as a prerequisite for employment.

Be that as it may, since you seem intent upon this marriage, take the test, learn to grovel, and have yourself surgically sterilized.

2. The second Seeker's father has multiple medical problems resulting from poor health habits.

The Sage would remind you, your siblings, and your mother that no one can force an adult to do something they do not wish to do, unless serious threats - such as an Uzi pointed at them - is involved. Rather than giving your father the usual Christmas (or other holiday) gifts this year, collectively purchase him and extra large coffin a tthe local funeral home, to be made available immediately upon his demise. When he objects, notify him that none of you wished to waste funds on a gift he would be using for less than a year.

3. Today's third Seeker is required by her employer to contribute to charities of the employer's choice and to increase this deduction each year, even though the cost of the company medical insurance is also going up.

The Sage recommends that you inform your employer that from this date forth, all of your charitable contributions will be of your own choosing. You should add gently that it is illegal to require or even to intimate that is is necessary to contribute to any charity in order to preserve one's position. Should this invoke the employer's ire, remind him as well of the carious "whistle-blower" laws which forbid termination of employement based on reporting of illegal activitiies. The Sage is not a lawyer and cautions you that each of these laws may depend upon the size of the company, so be certain to consult an attorney before this confrontation.

Barring that, perhaps you can find a "coyote" who will smuggle you south of the Rio Grande, where at least the cost of living is far less.

4. Today's final Seeker has recently graduated from colleged and secured a position in another city. The Seeker's parents immediately moved into a smaller room with no guestroom and seem to have limited the Seeker's visit to their new home.

The Sage understands your uncomfortable feelings of being cast out of your childhood family. However, the Sage also recognizes your parents' feelings of new-found freedom and unwillingness to continue to treat you as their child who is merely away at college. Apparently, your parents are still revelling in the ability to go to the kitchen for a late night snack without having to don a robe first, and have been waiting for two decades to be able to have sex in the living room without worrying about your walking in. Moving into a smaller home was a gentle way of telling you that you no longer live with them. As you are now self-supporting, consider securing a room elsewhere for these visits to your parents' home. Remember that, while you will always have a place in their hearts, their house is no longer your home, and you should not feel entitled to the same privileges there as when you were still their dependent.

Enraged Sage

2010-12-09T06:46:00.000-08:00

The Sage will dispense with the usual caustic directives for this week, as the individuals involved are sufficiently caustic on their own.

1. The first Seeker in line today is a child in a private school, whose favorite teacher is molesting one of the Seeker's close friends.
You have said, "I feel he's abused his position of power over Bee." This is correct, and the Sage strongly believes that Bee is neither the first nor the last girl with whom this will happen. Had you seemed a bit more vulnerable, he may even have tried his wily ways with you. The Sage urges you to report him at once. Bee will be angry, but it is the right thing, both for her and for any future potential victims. (No, you need not admit that you were the "snitch.")

2. The second Seeker has been receiving Chirstmas wish lists from every family member, on orders of the mother-in-law, who believes gift cards are inappropriate, even for those mourning the loss of their firstborn.
The Sage would like to remind Seekers everywhere that gifts are a privilege to receive, not a requirement to give. Ignore or delete the lists and this woman's orders and proceed as you had originally planned. She will know of your plans when the gifts are opened.
3. The third Seeker has had the custom for many years of inviting her daughter's best friend and family to Christmas festivities, as the other family has no in-state family of their own, and wishes to end this custom due to the growth of her own family.
The Sage agrees that you have no moral obligation to invite anyone with whom you do not wish to share your holiday. However, at a minimum, you must discuss it with the now uninvited guests, rather than simply not issuing an invitation. If possibe, offer to have them visit for a short time before or after the meal, so that everyone will get time with those without whom the holiday may not feel complete. The Sage also wonders if you have ever heard of a device known as a "card table".
4. Today's final Seeker has 4 great-nephews and great-nieces, three of whom are infants. The Seeker wishes to continue to contribute to the college fud of the oldest - whose mother has always been gracious about gifts received, and givegive nothing to the younger children, whose parents have been less gracious.

The Sage understands that you may have been distracted during the conversation with today's second Seeker, and will therefore reiterate what is pertinent to your situation. Gifts are a privilege of the recipient, not an obligation of the giver. Give what you want to whom you want. If your sister or the other children's parents complain, explain that you have personal reasons to be more generous to the one child. You need not explain that the personal reasons include the other parents' rudeness. Ignore lesser Seekers who would tell you how to spend your own money. If the other parents cared about you for other than your financial resources, they'd have been closer to you in teh past.

Sage-remental advice

2010-12-02T11:11:00.000-08:00

Today's Seekers are all a-dither regarding celebration - or not - of Christmas, wiht one Seeker unsure of how to act parental. The Seekers may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2276212/

1. The first Seeker wishes to know whether her sexually unfulfilled husband should visit a dominatrix.

The Sage is aware that the Lesser Advisor miscontrued your actual question. Rather than asking whether he should make these visits, you are asking whether he should be permitted to do so. If you are already able to control your husband's actions even when he is not with you to conform to your desires, then he is already married to one. You might ask yourself whether either conforming to his desires or dissolving the marriage would be less expensive than his regular visits to a professional.

2. The second Seeker has been lying to avoid telling her daughter's grandmother that the grandmother's multiple accidents make her ineligible to drive with said child in the vehicle.

The Sage will make the rare recommendation that you provide the whole truth. Inform the dear lady that you trust her with your child - until an automobile is involved, on grounds of her driving record. Suggest that she have her eyes and ears test. If nothing is discovered which can be easily remedied to improve her driving abilities, set your foot down as a parent and tell her absolutely no to transporting your child. Better yet, have her son explain it to her. Perhaps he will understand that the welfare of his child is more important than confrontation avoidance. In any case, perhaps it is time for the licensing agency to reconsider her driving privilege, if this has not happened already.

3. The next Seeker is a non-Christian who has unsuccessfully complained about the company's religiously based Christmas festivities.

The Sage suggests that you fight fire with fire. Rather than having a discreet display of your own faith or practices, go all out this year. For instance, Hannukah has already begun, but you might stil bring an enormous Mennorah to work, place it just outside your cubible or unavoidably nisible to those passing your office, with candles sufficiently large to burn the entire time that you are at work each day. Play music of the holiday or festival which you do celebrate loudly enough for everyone in the office to hear, but not quite loudly enough for anyone to make out any of the words, unless the songs are not in English. When management comes to ask you to tone down your celebration at work, innocently proclaim that you believed this was encouraged, based upon the activities already being endorsed by the company.

Ignore Lesser Advisors who feel that religiously-based activities, as opposed to secular ones, are perfectly acceptable in the workplace, just because they eventually end.

4. The final Seeker for today worries about offending in-laws who wish to celebrate Christmas by treating the Seeker and spouse to a trip which they do not relish.

The Sage see no dilemma here. Tell them simply that you appreciate the more than generous offer, but are unable to make the trip with them.

Lesser Advisors need to recognize that destination weddings require the guests to pay their own travel expenses, and therefore are not comparable to this issue.

Wednesday's child is full of Sage

2010-11-24T06:57:00.000-08:00

This week's Seekers, in deference to the upcoming holiday, have presented themselves on a Wednesday, instead of the typically assigned Thursday, and may be found here: http://www.slate.com/id/2275908/

1. First is a Seeker whose mother smothered the Seeker with well-intentioned kindnesses, and is doing the same for a younger brother, effectively crippling their ability to function as independent adults.

The Sage is aghast that you would speak so ill of your mother. If you are indeed certain that your brother is under a bad influence, enter your parents' home this long weekend, guns a-blazing, and abscond with the young man. Lock him in a dark room for 3 weeks, offering him nourishment or comfort only when he comforms to your wishes. ("He rubs the lotion ...") At the end of this training period, insist he seek remunerative employment by night while continuing his studies by day. Ensure that you have carefully screened whatever courses he wishes to study or whatever employment he wishes to seek. In this way, you may extend his dependence, while simultaneously liberating him from being coddled. Meanwhile, your parents should both applaud your efforts to spur your brother's entrance into the adult world, provided you are not required to shoot them during the abduction.

2. Next is a Seeker who will b e required to shave a beard he has worn for two years if he wishes to participate in his sister's wedding.

The Sage agrees that the hair on your face, as a part of your body, is your choice. Encourage your sister and her betrothed to consider donning beards themselves for the occasion, just to make it all uniform.

3. Our third Seeker became emotionally distraught after being summarily informed that another had been hired for the position for which the Seeker had been training.

The Sage wishes to sympathize with your despondency at your employer's recantation of the promise that you would be given this position, even after having begun to train you for the situation. Given the timing and the startling nature of the announcement, the Sage doubts greatly that anyone would fault you for being human and displaying an emotional reaction at such disappointment. Carry on your duties as if this incident had never happened. However, also update your resume and seek other opportunities, as some employers are extremely reluctant to move an effective employee to other tasks. Also speak quietly to whomever was responsible for this decision, to let them know of your dissatisfaction and your hopes that you will not be sidestepped on any future opportunies within your current organization.

4. Today's final Seeker is married to a medical intern who makes jokes about his patient's private equipment, having pointed out one patient he recognized in public to a friend.

The Sage agrees that your husband is being unethical to discuss patients' personal information with those who are not on a "need to know" basis. Before you sabotage your husband's future, however, remind him of his legal responsibility to protect his patients' privacy and suggest that anyone overhearing his remarks would be in a position to report him to someone able to end his career. If he continues with similar misdeeds, he need not know that you were the source of the complaint.

Sage dressing down

2010-11-18T05:55:00.000-08:00

Like ER workers and police officers, the Sage is need most during holidays, when people's adult manners collide with the childhood roles expected from family, and when the traditions of friends clash with the traditions of family. The holiday Seekers may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2275273/pagenum/all/#p2

The first Seeker had planned to attend the extended family Thanksgiving with her beau, his daughter, and his granddaughter. The Seeker's sister insists that the Seeker and her beau only must attend, or the entire dinner will be cancelled.

The Seeker recognizes coercion wherever it rears its ugly head. Of course your beau must be with his daughter and granddaughter at Thanksgiving, as he may be the only family they have. If your sister and other relations are so inflexible as to be unable to set two more plates at the table, then you have no obligation to accommodate your sister's demands. Tell your sister you will let her know what you decide after you have decided, and wait till late Thursday morning to inform her that you will be unable to attend. One person missing from the meal should not create a crisis of such monumental proportions. Is your sister fully in charge of her faculties?

(Note to Lesser Advisor: Once someone is as old as this Seeker appears to be, a few months may consistute a long courtship.)

The next Seeker has a widowed mother with a boyfriend who comes to family celebrations. The family has "politely" stopped discussing anything about the late father, which upsets the Seeker.

The Sage is confused. Did your mother insist that your father should not be discussed in front of her gentleman friend? Did he demand that such discussions cease? Does he believe that your and your sibling were the result of immaculate conception? The Sage hates to disappoint you, but this man surely knows that his girlfriend once had another man in her life and that she shared many happy memories with him. In fact, he probably wonders if your father was frequently absent or even abusive, that none of those memories seem to resurfacce during his visits with you.

The third Seeker has been living with a man for a year, hoping for marriage. Her parents were not invited to his family Thanksgiving. The Seeker asked if they would have been invited, were she and he married.

The Sage will point out that you have asked the wrong question. You are so focused on marriage that you have failed to consider etiquette. A better question would have been whether your parents might be invited this year. This may or may not have been followed with the questionas to whether marriage is in the offing for the coming year. If the answer is not an unqualified yes, perhaps your holiday would be better spent dining with your parents and moving your belongings from his home.

The final Seeker for this holiday has many family assembling at her home, half of whom are smokers. One smoker, being of advanced age, has been granted special permission to smoke inside the Seeker's home, making the others insist that they, too, must be permitted to do so.

The Sage sees no dilemma here. This is your home, in which you make the ground rules. Whether you permit your grandmother to smoke in your home is entirely up to you and completely unrelated to whether your other relatives are permitted to do so. Inform your other relatives that when they become nonagenarians, they, too may be granted special dispensation. This is provided, of course, that your are still able to be around smoke when you have aged that much, yourself.

The Sage regrets the recent gap in weekly allocations of sage wisdom. However, between technical difficulties and the low quality of Seekers' dilemmas, this was of necessity.

The answer is "Moon".

2010-10-18T14:19:00.000-07:00

While the Sage is on Sabbatical, the Minions offer answers to these Seekers. http://www.slate.com/id/2271555/pagenum/all/#p2 Since this day each week is dedicated to the Moon, this answer seemed only appropriate.

Doggie Mommy: Could be worse. You could have kids. Next time you retrieve the tennis balls, moon your man and see if he keeps complaining.

Friend at seminary: Why is this your problem again? Have him tell the hands-on priest that if he tries againthing again, your friend will send him "to the Moon!" Make sure he puts on his best Jackie Gleason voice.

Not a good friend: Tell your friend you have been away visiting relatives on the moon. Then ask yourself if she is in turn a good friend, or is the perpetually needy one in the raltionship.

Couch-potato toddler: Tell your husband you have bought the two of them tickets for the nearest Moonwalk inflatable, and that you expect them to get used.

Long-distance wedding guests: A gift is whatever you want to give someone. You don't have to explain anything after going to so much expense to make sure people they love can attend. Tell them to enjoy their honeymoon.

Corny mother-in-law: Does your husband agree with you during these heated discussions, or is he out howling at the full moon? Tell the grandparents that your doctor recommends any practices they disagree with. That usually helps.

[Not a question. Go see banker Theodore J. Mooney to pay your fine.]

[Also not a question, but apparently your friend has been too busy mooning over her new husband to think about her old friends.]

Jealous girlfriend: If they live close together and both are sober and healthy, it's not the best plan. Go by when they're having a little sleepover and see if she's looking at the moon out of his bedroom window.

Crotchless dress: Tell her you've ordered a tuxedo with open rear panels. If she can give the guests a beaver shot, you can give them a moon shot.

[Not a question. Not your child. You are sentenced to watch the next moonshot from underneath the rocket.]

Not fully sober grandparents: Is this national Leave the Kids With the Grandparents Week or something? If they can't watch the child without having a few Blue Moons http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink1402.html tell them they can't have your moon-faced cherub stay over.

[Three more which are not questions or double dippers. Just enough for an Apollo moon shot. Make sure the person above is watching.]

Non-cuddler: Get separate beds, before a moon-sized crater is formed in your relationship.

[Another non-question. These used to be once in a blue moon, but apparently Prudie is short on actual questions.]

Simply Sage

2010-10-14T05:37:00.000-07:00

The Sage apologizes for lack of edginess this morning. Not only are the Seekers of even less entertaining caliber than usual, but the Sage is please at the Chilean government's successful attempts to rescue the 33 trapped miners. The Sage believes most governments would have written them off in the first two weeks, and having been unlikely to survive and the task to rescue them as being too daunting and dangerous.

The Sage is considering tabling this format, in lieu of mimicry of the Monday Seekers with a single answer, instead. On to today's Seekers, who may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2271005/pagenum/all/#p2

1. Seeker yelled at sister during a wedding, who then told Seeker how mean she's always been.

The Sage recommends that you own your meanness. Not everyone has the ability to anger everyone by merely entering a room. Revel in your meanness. Embrace it and let it become who you are. This way, you always will be remembered wherever you go.

(The Sage disavows any knowledge of lesser Advisors who attempt to give complex medical/psychiatrist diagnoses by e-mail.)

2. Male Seeker made unwanted sexual advances toward a straight friend while on anesthesia.

The Sage agrees that you should disance yourself from this alleged "friend". Anyone who would take someone fresh from surgery and drop them off at a bus stop is no friend.

3. Seeker's landlord has resumed human sex slave trafficking in Seeker's building of residence.

The Sage urges you to turn in your landlord. While you may still need to pay this reprobate your monthly rent, you will feel better mailing said checks to the state penitentiary.

4. Seeker's relatives drop off their children without warning.

The Sgae long ago deveolped a solution to similar dilemmas. Pack whatever bags you generally take for an evening outing - diaper bag, stroller and the like. Leave them by the door. When the relatives come to drop off their inconvenient children, tell them that you would love to help, except that you were just going out. Explain that had they called first and asked, you might have been able to make other plans. Also mention that you can no longer afford the financial, physical, or emotional costs of watching five children at once, including your own newborn.

Fuzzy Sage

2010-10-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

This week's Seekers may be found here http://www.slate.com/id/2270172/pagenum/all/#p2. The common theme today seems to be fuzz. The first Seeker has a fuzzy image of where her husband's true affections lie, when he could be giving his affections to a fuzzy companion. The second Seeker has a fuzzy-minded daughter, while the third Seeker's friends have a fuzzy understanding of what charity is. The final Seeker is tired of dealing with her husband's fuzzy head.

1. Seeker's husband's new friendship seems overly affectionate to Seeker.

The Sage sees that the simple solution to this problem is to buy your husband a dog. He'll show it just as much affection and still push you out in the cold emotionally, but at least you won't be embarassed for your friends to see him showering affection on the dog.

2. Seeker's adult granddaughters posted pictures of their terminally alcoholic, homeless-by-choice, dying mother on Facebook, which offends Seeker.

The Sage understands this woman's choices have been hard on all of you. They have a different relationship with her, and must deal with their own feelings. Post pictures of your own, showing your daughter progressing from a happy child to a sick drunk, and come to grips with this in your own way, as well. Perhaps they see their own pictures as a warning to their party-going friends.

3. Seeker does charitable work and donates to charities, but is berated by friends on recent purchase of a new car.

The Sage agree with your friends that the money you spent on this vehicle could have gone to help others. So can that of your friends. Each time one of these killjoys picks up a bite of food, purchases a newspaper, or spends any time or money on themselves, remind them of how this choice meant that much time or money not going to their own charities. In order for you to contribute your time and money, you need transportation to earn the money and to contribute the time.

4. Seeker's husband gets a bi-annual buzz haircut, which Seeker despises.

When your husband returns from his next shearing, excuse yourself to have the same done to yourself. If he complains, tell him this is how you feel about his choice of hair style. If he says nothing, he obviously feels your head is your own, and his head is his. Do not heed the advice of lesser Seekers, who would actually have you encourage him to maintain this style.

Sage and Pepper

2010-09-30T05:45:00.000-07:00

Today's hapless Seeker's may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2269153/

1. Former friends of Seeker's late parents threaten to make public pornographic videos of the parents and "friends."

The Sage commends you on your admirable submission of a fake dilemma. At last, the Minions have found fodder worthy of the Sage's prescient Wisdom. The most entertaining solution to this situation, naturally, would be to offer to show the videos to their own family and friends. If these ever even existed, your parents almost certainly destroyed them during your move.

2. Seeker's father is retiring. Seeker's sister refuses to come unless everyone at the party sings "Happy Birthday" to her boyfriend, known to none of the father's coworkers.

The Sage fails to see where the problem is. Simply tell your sister that all of you will see her the next day. Also mention that years from now, when her children ask why she isn't in the pictures of the event, you'll be more than happy to explain it to them.

3. Seeker's wife works at a menial job. Seeker is embarassed to tell his coworkers.

The Sage recommends that you quit your job with all the snooty advertising executives, and join your wife at her fast food job, so that she will no longer be embarassed to tell her own coworkers what you do for a living.

4. Seeker's friend requests that the Seeker take a college course, pretending to be the friend.

The Sage suggests that you do as requested. You will learn a new language, and may hear additional new words when the instructor asks for your identification at the final.

Jocko and the Sage

2010-09-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Seekers! The Sage has had to enlist Jocko and the boys to resolve the technical difficulties which were clouding the Crystal Sphere and making channeling the Sage ever so difficult. Jocko has graciously offered to provide his and his colleages' services while the Sage dispensers Wisdom to this week's Seekers http://www.slate.com/id/2268221/.

1. Seeker was terrorized by a mean teacher as a child, and has discover said teacher is still employed by the same district.

The Sage is stupified that such a travesty has been permitted to persist for such a lengthy period. As you were unable to remedy this egregiousness in your youth, and will be discounted now as having a faulty memory of the situation, you have only two remedies from which to choose. The more memorable of these, naturally, is to hold this teacher and her class hostage, and after releasing the innocents, termiate both this beast and yourself. A significantly less painful route would be to have Jocko and the boys remove her tongue, so that she would be unable to continue inher current profession. Her plight would also serve as a warning to those who might dare intimidate you in the future.

2. Seeker and two other ladies own a business. While the dresscode is relatively formal, one owner does not seem to feel this includes supportive undergarments.

The Sage is dumbfounded that such a condition could persist a mere 2-plus years before the end of the Mayan long-count calendar. It is apparent that this harlot is incapable of conducting herself professionally. Either have Jocko and the boys explain the seriousness of her offense, or buy her out before she drives your enterprise into sure bankruptcy.

And now, a word from our Minions:

All right, all you Seekers and Acolytes out there. Do you think we do this for our health? No! We have to eat, too, you know, and if the Sage doesn't start getting some better Seekers showing up a tthe Mystic Cave, we may find ourselves without a cavern over our heads. So let's get some feedback here, and be sure to submit your personal dilemmas to our Great Sage at Oracle.DelfFly@gmail.com. Don't make us call Jocko and the boys! We now return you to your regularly scheduled Mystic.

3. Seeker's husband finally is employed, but hours are too long to see his son in the evening.

The Sage fails to understand why this is an issue. At age 16-months, your son doesn't require the same hours as other children his age. Either adjust his day to stay up until after his father is home, or get the child up earlier to see him. He will adjust. Perhaps you could also enlist Jocko and the boys to explain to your husband colleagues how playing with his toddler is so much more important than feeding him.

4. Daughter's friend likes to sleep over, but is finicky about meals.

The Sage recognizes how this can be a life altering situation for your family. Obviously, the simplest solution would be for your to feed your own family junk food at every meal, in case one of their friends should chance to be at the table with you. Disregard lesser Advisors who might suggest that the child eat before coming over, or that she be told that this is the meal for tonight and how sorry you are that she won't be able to enjoy it with the rest of you. You definitely need Jocko and the boys to pay a visit to the child before her next outing to your home, to explain what might happen to little girls who fail to be appreciative of what is set before them.

Sage-foolery

2010-09-16T08:44:00.000-07:00

Today's Seekers may be found here: http://www.slate.com/id/2267469/.

1. Daughter's fiance has committed such egregious social blunders as tucking his shirt in while standing in front of Seeker.

The Sage is at a loss to understand why you did not speak up before now. When the gentleman committed ungentlemanly acts which might charitably be explained as a lack of proper upbringing. As to the charge that he intentionally rubbed his clothes genitalia against your back, most individuals would, at that moment, have asked him to desist, or mentioned it to your daughter shortly after. Since you have opted to let these behaviors continued unchecked, the Sage must conclude that you have enjoyed these attentions, and are only bothered now that he intends to become a permanent member of your extended family. Naturally, you must describe, in full detail, every minute transgression you have been forced to endure at the hands of this young degenerate to your daughter, his intended, so that his attentions may directly only toward you in the future.

2. Adult former bullying victim has located former Omega female on Facebook and wishes to apologize.

The Sage recognizes that you have grown since your age was written with a single digit, and surmises that your own former victim has, as well. You may even pat yourself on the back for having prepared this young woman for a lifetime of dicriminatory behaviors directed against herself and any children she may now have. However, the Sage fails to see what harm could come from a simple message, apologizing for youthful misdeeds, particularly if this is not accompanied with a request that she now become your "friend." Many people get past childhood hurts, and she may not remember your actions as well as you do yourself, or she may see you as the one person in her life she wishes never again to see.

3. Seeker's unemployed brother-in-law has invited Seeker and husband to his timeshare, but at their expense.

The Sage is aghast that an unemployed man would expect any financial assistance from his loving family toward a vacation at which he is providing the lodging at no cost to his guests. The Sage demands that you instantly cut this person off from your life forever, so that you never again need to enjoy a vacation without paying for your own room.

4. Seeker has been in therapy for 2 years, and has not yet informed the therapist that the Seeker's name is being misspelled.

The Sage agrees that you are in need of therapy to deal with your issues. A good rule of thumb concerning one's own name is to let errors go with someone you do not expect to see again, and to correct such errors when you do expect a coninued relationship, personal or professional. Now would be a good time to say to your therapist that you have been planning to mention the spelling error, but did not wish to seem petty at the time. Then you must ask the therapist to recommend a therapist you can actually assist you in learning to stand up for yourself.

Cheating cheaters and the Sage who called them on it.

2010-09-02T07:09:00.000-07:00

This week's Seekers or those around them seem to have difficulty grasping and holding onto truths. Fortunately, the Sage has always been a great dispenser of Truth.

1. The first Seeker is devastated that, having married a surgically sterile father a decade ago, she is now unable to fulfill her new-found goal of producing a child within her own womb.

The Sage concurs that by any means necessary, you must produce your own genetic descendants, or else your very existence in this Realm will have been for nought. Do not listen to those scoffers who would suggest that by rearing your husband's two young children, you have already made a difference in the world. Nor should you consider the feelings of your husband, who having teenaged or young adult offspring is now ready to enjoy his life as an empty nester. Nor should you consider the sensibilities of the step-children, who might wonder if you considered them to be poor substitutes for the past decade. Above all, do not consider fostering someone else's child. You are a woman, so it must be your perogative to change your mind, regardless of how old you or your husband will be when the child reaches 18, or the expense involved at the time your husband may be thinking of how to pay for college tuitions. Your overly delayed maternal longings are paramount, above any of those consideration. Find a lover and get pregnant or find OctoMom's doctor and get a turkey baster. Your husband will surely grow to appreciate your seeing beyond his pathetic reasoning, logic, and vasectomy.

2. The second Seeker is a scholar who has uncovered evidence of an earlier scholar having produced work not entirely his own.

The Sage commends you on your hard work to this date and encourages you to recognize, as did this other student, that now is the time to relax and to permit others to do the work for you. Think how fulfilled you will be knowing that cheating (such a harsh word) is such a simple task, provided that one keeps the topic obscure enough and the faculty fails to glance over any of the referenced sources. While there are those who have near-photographic memories and readily quote sources without realizing it, the Sage recognizes that those individuals running the risk of unintentional plagarism generally are aware of it by the post-graduate level. Since the preceding student will not have the degree revoked, your future colleagues might appreciate knowing that they must not permit this person to peruse their own, unpublished works.

3. Next comes a Seeker who is in the same field as the Seeker's daughter, and has been challenged that assisting the daughter is tantamount to dishonesty.

The Sage insists that you and your daughter throw yourselves at the feet of your colleague, and beg that he or she contact your own alma maters with the intent of having your academic and professional qualifications instantly revoked. You committed the most heinous crime of assisting a fellow professional in your field, while she merely failed to admit having consulted another in the field for some guidance. Public quartering would be too good for either of you. Should you miraclulously survive this punishment, discontinue such discussions with this helpful colleague. It is unlikely you would survive the tar and feathers which must surely accompany a second offense.

4. Our final Seeker is a widow whose late husband's parents seem to provoke the Seeker at every turn with respect to how to remember their beloved son.

The Sage conprehends that your husband's parents are themselves grieving. They obviously have had some difficulty letting him be an adult and permitting you and him to form your own nuclear family. With this understanding, the Sage believes that you have found your answer without the Sage's help. However, you might consider discussing with them their latest aggrievement and how it made their grandchildren feel, before you make the final step to remove them from your lives. In this way, they will understand that you were not merely looking to keep them from "all that remains" of their late son.

Collateral Sage

2010-08-26T07:17:00.000-07:00

The Minions have managed to locate a group of Seekers who have or need other Sources of Wisdom, and will be so referred. http://www.slate.com/id/2265082/

1. The first Seeker in need of other Wisdom is a young man with a tiny child, whose wife began to strike him during and argument, and who struck the woman back. He is duly remorseful, but this cannot continue.

The Sage is concerned that this is not an appropriate question for "entertainment only" Advisors. This needs to be dealt with promptly through a professional. With a child now in the the household, tensions will only get higher. Either of you could have called the police during the incident, which could ahve meant both of you in jail and your child in foster care. Concentrate on anger management and marriage counselling. You each could learn something, or many things. For instance, she need to find a way to express herself without losing her temper, and you need to learn to listen to what she is saying rather than defending yourself. While you do not perceive yourself as distant, she has another definition, which you will not learn either by her screaming nor by your "listing ways" that she is wrong. Ask yourselves, is this the marriage you want to model for your child, that your child might one day incorporate as an "ideal" marriage?

2. The next Seeker is a student who believes she has Asperger's Syndrome.

The Sage must find new Minions. These are not entertainment-value concerns. Speak to your school counselor. That is why schools have them, to assist the students in finding their own right path to adulthood.

3. Our only Seeker truly needing the Sage's advice is one who sent cards to newly widowed aunts rather than miss a planned vacation.

The Sage is relieved to see you. It is absolutely so much more important for your children to meet Mickey or for you to turn beet red at the beach than it is to attend the funerals of your uncles. After all, the uncles are dead and will not miss you. The funeral is for them, not for the surviving aunts or cousins. They need to get past this minor setback in their lives and understand that your vacation plans are paramount.

4. Our final Seeker has found a Guru to follow, but resists the new status as Minion.

The Sage commends this gentleman on locating his own Minions and for fully comprehending the meaning of the word, "temporary". You absolutely must not disturb the natural order. By no means may you tell this gentleman that you are unable to continue to provide your services. Certainly his recruiting you as a Minion far outweighs whatever it is the company hired you to do. Even when your temporary assignment end, you must do whatever it takes to continue in your responsibilities to your Overseer, even if you must drive across town with his slices of bread. Also, should anyone suggest such silliness as a grocery which delivers, shield this man from their interference.

Bringing in the Sage

2010-08-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

The Sage has had a truly busy schedule this summer, between dealing with a large bear in the Mystic Cave and having gone on Pilgrimage. As such, several quieter Seekers have waited patiently for a turn at hearing the Sage's Wisdom for their lives. The Sage will attempt to address some of the more pressing issues.

The first of this pair of Seekers http://www.wowowow.com/life/dear-margo-who-should-kiss-whom-and-how-488267 is the wife in a blended family. She kisses her daughter on the cheek, but her husband kisses his own on the lips, which the Seeker finds to be a sensual action.

The Sage applauds your efforts to come between your husband and his small child. Most new wives suppress their jealousy of their husband's time, attention, and reminder of a previous sexual relationship, but you have permitted yours to flourish into a fully blooming paranoia. The Sage sees several possible actions. Murder the child and report her "missing", as other step-mother figures have done in the past. Continue your whisper campaign with your own daughter - whose age you conveniently have failed to specify - until your husband and his daughter both see how perverse this loving peck must be. Or you may continue to nag at the man in an attempt to he himself as a pedophile until he recognizes you for the jealous Harpie that you are and removes you from the lives of both himself and his daughter. Any of these will ensure that you no longer have to witness this lecherous behavior on the part of your husband.

The second Seeker in this early procession wishes to assist her new love and others with whom she has contact in their use of the English language.

The Sage commends your intention at preserving your native tongue in the form which it has had for ... well, not that long, actually. While it is the duty of English teachers and similar instructors to correct the pupils under their tutelage as to the proper form and function of each word and each sentence, it is the duty of a sweetheart to listen to the meaning behind the actual words. However, you certainly have the Sage's permission to correct each and every misstatement of both the man you are dating and any others whom you overhear abusing the language, provided that you do so in a clear, projecting voice which will draw this error to the attention of any within earshot. This should greatly minimize the poor grammar to which you are subjected.

Our next brace of Seekers http://www.wowowow.com/life/dear-margo-what-do-when-mothers-out-lunch-490792 begins with a teenager whose mother seems to feel is her confidante.

The Sage has compassion for you, as you are yet a child and being asked to assume a very adult role, which you recognize as extremely inappropriate for you. You fear hurting your mother's feelings, and the Sage knows that you must harbor some concerns about your livelihood should you push your mother away too hard. In situations like this, a close at hand school counselor may be your first line of defense. If this is not an opton or has proven unfruitful in the past, the Sage suggests that you let your mother begin her soliloquy, and gently interrupt. Practice phrases like, "I know you're angry with him, but he's still my father," and "I really don't think I'm the best person for you to discuss this with." After using one of your well-rehearsed phrases on your mother, excuse yourself from the room, even if you have just begun dinner. You won't enjoy a meal with this going on, anyway.

The Seeker chaperoning the teen to the Mystic Cave is a woman whose sister appears to undermine the Seeker at every opportunity.

The Seeker laments your unsettled childhood and bemoans your loss of a once close sister. However, as she has told you to "get over" your problems while remaining one of them, the Sage endorses you to sever as many ties with this woman as is necessary to maintain the physical health of your child, the emotional health of your fiance, and your own mental health.

As it turns out, there was not such a plethora of Seekers as the Sage had originally thought. One Seeker http://www.wowowow.com/life/dear-margo-sometimes-it-pays-yo-conform-490926 has actually attempted to return for a second opinion! However, the Sage has permitted Lesser advisors to deal with those lesser dilemmas. Those Minions simply must be disciplined over permitting such banal and redundant entreaties to come before the Sage!

However, other Seekers in need of the Sage's wisdom are invited to sidestep the Minions by contacting the Sage directly via Oracle.DelFly at gmail.com. The usual punctuation mark has been redacted to ellude robotic troublemakers. Seekers are also encouraged to consider additional Advisors to be found at http://theflymagazine.blogspot.com/

Sage what you mean

2010-08-19T05:44:00.000-07:00

This week's Seekers may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2264417/

1. The earliest Seeker accused a man of "cornering" the Seeker as a small child, knowing this was untrue.

The Sage congratulates you on your new and improved memory, but sees no legal ramifications of "unsuppressing" a memory created as a child. While you may have little memory of the details, be assured the man who was castigated as an offender remembers them well, if he is still alive, as do the records at the police department. The Sage does wonder how so young a child knew to claim you had been "cornered in a bathroom" unless at some time you had been, by someone.

2. Next we have a highly-placed professional who wonders if telling someone that a relative is a difficult person so that the relative is not hired makes the Seeker a bad person.

The Sage assures you that you are correct. Wanting to undermine this person before she is even on the short list of candidates does make you a horrible person. If your relative is indeed the difficult person you portray, this will get back to your company. At a minimum, the relative's behaviors will assure she is not with your company long. However, feel free to express to one and all how you feel about this person. This will cement in their heads how alike you and she are.

3. Along comes a Seeker who lied when her boyfriend once asked the number of prior lovers.

The Sage urges you to contact this man at once, to set straight the record of exactly how many male bodies have been crushed up against yours. Better yet, e-mail him a spread sheet with names, dates, number of encounters for each man, preferred positions, locations of each rendezvous, and so forth. Be certain to include crushes as a small child or idolizing of celebrities of either gender. This will highlight positively for him your honesty and virtue.

4. The final Seeker in today's lineup is a non-custodial mother who shares an apartment with a roommate, so her son shares her bed when he is there, unless the Seeker's boyfriend is in her bed, instead.

The Sage is dumbfounded as to how you can let this situation continue. You absolutely must leave your son in your own bed until he is an adult and have your boyfriend take the couch. If your boyfriend is uncomfortable, consider getting a foldout couch for his exclusive use when he comes over. The Sage cannot begin to fathom how a woman with such keen instincts for child-rearing was not granted full and sole custody of this child.

As always, the Minions at the Mystic Cave will be happy to present your dilemma for the Sage's careful consideration. Simply use the e-mail address linked to the main page.

Tardy Sage

2010-08-16T22:43:00.000-07:00

The Sage respectfully acknowledges the recent absence, and appreciates the Oracle at DelFly having dealt with Thursday's Seekers. Today's Seekers may be found here: http://www.slate.com/id/2264125/

Due to the sheer volume of Seekers today, synopses will be dispensed with.

Wife-zilla: By all means, the Sage you must inform your wife of who presented her with this anonymous gift. Perhaps after she tosses you out and cuts off her friend, you can hook up with the friend.

Kumquat's Grandma: The Sage cannot see why you would doubt the need to criticize your child on such an important decision. Obviously, no thought at all was put into choosing the name, and the child certainly will be unable to assign himself a nickname of his own choosing when he is a bit older.

Unadopted sibling: The Sage suggests simply not informing your mother of the time and date as a proper way of not inviting her. A more entertaining way might be to inform her of the incorrect time and place.

Horny employee: The Sage suggests going into the boss' office to discuss the matter. Be certain to close the door and to wear something particularly revealing. If you truly wish to derail this budding relationship, make every effort to have this discussion moments before is wife plans to drop in for a surprise lunch.

Poor excuse for a wife: The Sage recommends that the next time you are subjected to these verbal beratings, that you agree wholeheartedly with your husband, pick up your pre-packed suitcase, and walk out the door.

Spoiled rich brat: Lesser advisors would have you ignore these claims as to your character. The Sage, however, realizes that you must embrace the role that has been created for you. When (and if) you subsequently revert to character, your in-laws will be thrilled to note the "change" in you. If your intended doesn't choose to defend you from these allegations on his own, perhaps he agrees with her.

Accidental farter: The Sage has long been aware of the phenomenon that most people cannot place who created any given noise - even if an odor accompannies it - without that person's help. You have a choice either to say, "Excuse me," at a volume comparable to that of the gaseous release, or to look around furtively as if trying to determine the source. The Sage generally prefers the second option in cases such as your own.

(Note to "Jane": Odd names are typically an asset to females, but a detriment to males. You are neither Seeker nor Advisor. Go away.)

Blabby medico: The Sage generally does not address matters of law, which yours is. The only recourse is to approach the former patient, and to suggest that he come clean to your cousin.

Non-kisser: The Sage too is not free with public affections, particular to those with whom the Sage has never shared a bed nor parented. As the direct approach nor deflection has worked, consider screaming and slapping the perpetrators.

Parent-to-be's sibling: The Sage wonders how this is any of your business? Surely adults are capable of adjusting their lifestyles to accommodate a child. If you find the as yet un-begun child is either neglected or abused, the Sage is certain that you will do your duty and report same.

(Note to future Bridezilla: Again, neither Seeker nor Advisor. The Sage has surmised that those who were direct were castigated, and the friend - apparently rightly - feared further abuse. Go away and join "Jane".)

(Final note to SP's Granny: Go join the others. Stay away from the Mystic Cave unless you have a question to ask of the Sage.)

Early morning Sage

2010-08-05T05:45:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Seekers and Acolytes. The Sage is early to the mouth of the Mystic Cave, by virtue of being late to other duties. Alas. The Minions have been hard put to find worthy Seekers of late, but the Sage will still address these which have been found. Today's full entreaties may be found here http://www.slate.com/id/2262763/. Below is a fragment of each, followde by the Sage's counsel.

1. Our first Seeker has an adult daughter questing to find the Golden Father. The first candidate was considered father by default, as the other "proved" his sterility. However, the first candidate failed the DNA test.

The Sage commends you on creating this lengthy quest for the young woman. Nothing can compare to developing a reltionship with one's own father, only to find out that this is not so. How much more delighted she will be to discover that the other candidate managed to "prove" that he could not be he, yet must be. The Sage hopes that you have similar names and stories lined up after bachelor number 2, as it sounds like he will not be as willing to contempplat the possibility as bachelor number 1 was. The fact that neither wanted to step up to the plate to have "anything to do with" this young woman likely only serves her determination to force someone's hand. Give her the information she seeks. He can't be any worse than the first one.

Incidentally, the Sage has never heard of anyone requiring a blood test to be mentioned in a will before, and suspects this was merely the ploy he used hoping to get out of having to acknowledge her to his legally recognized family. The Sage wonders whether he indeed used his own DNA for the test, as some tests use samples collected at home and mailed in.

2. Our second Seeker is a law firm intern being harased by individuals from the law firm next door to her own.

The Sage cannot fathom why one should wish not to have their own outer beauty constantly acknowledged by such fine, outstanding men, and wonders how their firm came to be the larger one. Have you perhaps seen their associates in traffic, following rapidly behind out-going ambulances? The first impulse was the correct one. If an employee is being harassed at work, as you are, then it is up to the employer to collect any data and file any suits. Before you do this, however, you must inform the gentlemen that this attention is, indeed unwanted. It falls to the employee to gather data when the employer is remiss in these duties. You will not be perceived as a "little girl" by reporting this, but as a woman standing up for what you know to be your rights.

3. Our third Seeker has received a "friend" request from her octogenarian father, but does not wish him to see the Seeker's actual life.

The Sage wonders why you must so zealously shield your father from your real life. However, the Sage encourages you to use a small device that the internet makes readily affordable - the alter ego. Block your father from your primary Facebook account. Create a second one using an alternate e-mail. Inform your ffather that you use this address there in order to keep the spam e-mails to a minimum. You must block him from the other site, however, for this ploy to work. You might also enlist the help of a few others to maintain the appearance that this is the site you normally use, by posting comments of a G-rated nature every now and then.

4. Our last Seeker is perhaps the most touching in a while. The Seeker is divorced and engage to another divorced individual. However, a "friend" bemoans the fact that the happy coouple fails to argue with suffiecient frequency for the friend's liking.

The Sage implores you to remember that while you did have regular strong arguments with your first husband, you and he are no longer together. Different couples have different communication styles, and certainly the one in which neither one shouts nor demeans the other is in truth the healthiest for both parties involved. Ignore your "friend". Some people like to throw rocks at hornets nests and dislike seeing anyone happier than themselves.

Sage advice for flailing Seekers

2010-07-29T21:23:00.000-07:00

This week's Seekers: http://www.slate.com/id/2261488/

1. The Sage recommends that you step into the time machine conveniently parked in the cavern next door and go back to when you were only dating this gorgerous, hairy man. Tell your other self that above all she/you must not have carnal relations with him under any circumstance, as she/you produce a hairy daughter with a unibrow. Return to the present, and if you failed to alter the timeline, take the child at once to the nearest adoption agency, or at least pack up and leave her upbringing to her hairier side of the family.

2. The Sage clearly sees what you do not, that if you proceed with this wedding, every event will be a tit-for-tat affair. "I know you changed the last diaper, but I changed a poopy one, and that counts for three." "Yes, You washed and dried my jeans, but I walked your dog last night." The Sage recommends that you take up with the husband of Seeker #1, should she follow the Sage's recommendations and let her husband keep the little Capuchin. Failing that, you might consider prolonging the engagement until you are certain that this is indeed the man you hope to spend the next 75 long years with.

3. The Sage does not need to provide your answer, as you have already. You say to them, "I'm hurt about [your] lack of concern and would like to be treated by [you] once in a while." You might even add "apparent" before "lack". However, this is the bed you have made and in which you must now poorly lie.

4. The Sage acknowledges that there are those who feel that romantic encounters, particularly initial ones, should include a grand and extravagent display of wealth, whether one has such wealth or not. However, the Sage wonders whether you might be happier with someone who, like you, sees this as a fine way to have that which you normally might be able to afford. Be certain, however, that you tip based on what the price would have been had you been without the coupon.

Mixed bag of Sage

2010-07-22T05:22:00.000-07:00

The Sage has but a moment to orate today, as the Mystic Cave needs to be cooled down soon. On to todays Seekers. http://www.slate.com/id/2261000/

1. Our first Seeker works partially from home, where her new, unemployed husband is trying to begin a new business, which keeps him to busy to help with the chores, but not to busy to berate his bride over having not done them. Damage is being done to the home during these conversations.

The Sage recognizes your failings here, and admires you for acknowledging them. Certainly, you must continue to apologize for living the way you have been, even as you repair the damage in your home. Ignore the Lesser Advisors who would surely command you designate an area in your home for your work which is off-limits to your husband, or worse yet, to inform him that if the dishwasher bothers him so much, he is free to empty it himself. Resist those Advisors who would have you leave or toss your husband out. Whom else could he turn to once he is out of items in your home to destroy?

2. The next Seeker overdosed in college with the intention of suicide, and wonders whether the fiance is entitled to know.

The Sage insists that you bring this up at your next romantic encounter. What could possibly be more exciting than the thought of your betrothed retching heer guts out as she breathes her last? While this is a topic he needs to be aware of, lest these thought return perhaps with a new prescription, for instance, timing is everything.

3. Our third Seeker works in a cubicle with a mentally intense position, which her supervisor and other coworkers chat just beyond the cubicle wall. The Sage confesses to strong empathy here, as the Mystic Cave used to be next door, apparently, to Fox News headquarters.

The Sage recommends that you take a direct approach. When the coffee klatch appears on your ... er, cubicle step, ask in a loud voice, "Don't you have any real work to do?" An alternative phrase might be, "Excuse me, but some of us are trying to work!" Should this fail to be effective, and the Sage is convinced that it will not, go for a walk. Check back every few minutes to see if the group has broken up. If, after enough time, they have not, ask if they are nearly finished, so that you may get back to work. You could always go over your supervisor's head, but there is little satisfaction in that. The Sage suspects that your supervisor was promoted internally, rather than having been hired from outside or transferred from another department, and has not yet quite accepted the mantle of leadership.

4. Today's final Seeker has msigivings about a friend visiting, as teh friend berates the Seeker over the occasional use of air conditioning, even though it is ninety degrees outside on most days.

The Sage advises you, when you know your alleged friend is coming for a visit, to shut all the windows and turn off the air, so that the house gets as hot as can be during the day. Make sure pets and plants are somewhere safe first, however. When the friend arrives, sit inside to talk. Bring up the topics of children and elderly who have died because of excessive heat and the inability to turn on an air conditioner to cool their bodies. If the friend continues to insist that 90 degree weather is not a valid reason to cool the house, find a new friend.

Contorted Sage

2010-07-15T07:36:00.000-07:00

The Sage has become aware of the difficulty Followers might have with jumping back and forth between teh page of Seekers and the Sage's wisdom. Therefore, brief synopses will henceforth be included with each response. Today's Seekers may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2260483/
1. First is a Seeker with a small child. The woman's longterm boyfriend wants her to have her breasts enlarged. The rest of the details are in the link.

The Sage fails to understand why you didn't take care of this inadequacy on your part years ago. Pity the poor man, who has had to endure sexual relationships with you time and again, all the time knowing that he was forcing himself to make do without Dolly-sized cups. Did you think that he was with you for your winning personality and intelligent mind? Your daughter's self-perception is immaterial, since size tends to be hereditary, and regardless of her education or accomplishments or personality, she will one day also need to have her own body enhanced in order to keep a boyfriend stung along for years. Surely you would not expect that she ever would marry, since that would require a commitment on the part of her beau, even knowing that some day she, too, will wrinkle and sag and get age spots. Besides, this augmentation will help you secure another temporary father figure for your child, when this one tires of you and moves on.

2. Next is a Seeker whose elderly in-laws wish to be included on ever trip, particularly vacation trips, that the couples make. Far-flung siblings of the husband are reticent about assisting with their parents.

The Sage reminds you that, yes, you absolutely are being selfish. Why would you need any time away from household chores, pressures at any outside employment or volunteer responsibilities, and ensuring that your husband's parents are well taken care of? You certainly have not expected your husband to be the primary one looking out for his own parents the times when you have consented to take them with you. It should not matter that your sight-seeing may be limited to whatever an octogenarian might be able to do, since you absolutely must not go to any ruins or caverns or the like which might make it difficult for them to be with you for every step of your journey. The Sage is also aware that as a responsible daughter-in-law, you must be sharing a room in whatever hotels you stay at with your mother-in-law, while your husband bunks with his father, in case they have needs or desires during that night that only a loving child would be able to assist with.

3. Our next Seeker is an individual with a psychiatric disorder which is being well-managed. A new intern uses disagreements between them as an excuse to comment negatively on the Seeker's disorder.

The Sage recommends that when this person makes such a comment, you remind her of the Americans with Disabilities Act, and that constant harassment of someone due to their disabilitity is an actionable item. Document every such occurence, especially who else was present when these comments are made. Should it continue, bring your complaint and documentation to your Director of Human Resources. Neither your nor anyone else in your field will be subjected to this person's condescending attitude in the future should it reach this point.

4. Our final Seeker of the day is a former florist who was asked to make an arrangement for a funeral, which upset most members of the family, including the one who made the initial request.

The Sage commends you on embarassing your entire side of the family, with the exception of your step-mother. You really will need to try harder in the future. When the others call and complain, tell them that you have acheived your goal, and hang up.

Sage branching into newer fields

2010-07-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

Today's Seekers come from a new pasture of Seekers and may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2259970/

1. The Sage is in full sympathy with your ire toward Andy, James, and Valerie. How dare they assume that because they once were fully autonomous adults, they no longer have to asnswer to you, especially in their relationships with one another. The Sage insists that you go on Facebook, MySpace, the local media, whatever it takes, and fully denouce these backstabbing former compatriots for the turncoats that they are.

2. The Sage realizes that you need to be a light to your weary cohort. Continue to provide as many examples to her of your own good fortune, so that she may continue to aspire to your own success, both professionally and personally. In time, she'll forget her campaign of negativity, and recognize your efforts for what they truly are.

3. The Sage applauds your unique method of battling evil gossip by sharing with the ones gossiped about. However, the Sage notices that you have failed to continue this effort by reporting back to your soon-to-be sister-in-law about the gossip which has been shared about her. With all decorum, you and your new-found friend must each report back to this almost-relative. In this way, all transmission of tales between the three of you should be nipped soundly in the bud.

The Oracle's Visions

2010-07-08T16:56:00.000-07:00

As the Sage is still on Pilgrimage, the Oracle will answer this week's Seekers, who may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2259807/

1. The Pracle says, drinking with the boss never leads to success.
2. The Oracle says, never loan a relative money that you hope to see again.
3. The Oracle says, the best way for someone to put something behind them is to quit turning around to look at it.
4. The Oracle says, not everything which is ask for will be received.
The Sage expects to return next week, fully rested and ready to take on yet another batch of doltish Seekers, to inform them of the best ways not to proceed with their banal lives.

Receding Sage

2010-07-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

The Sage barely has time for this week's Seekers, as the Sage prepares to make pilgrimage and to leave the Minions in charge of maintaining order in the Mystic Cave. The Sage sincerely hopes that no harm will come to the Minions from any Seeker unwilling to wait for the Sage's return. This week's Seekers are linked to the headline, above.

1. The Sage recognizes that college students will do many things to finance themselves during those typically lean years. Yes, you should tell this woman, just on the very slight chance that your future progeny with her might one day wish to mate with one of your existing biological offsprings. You might even be the father of her niece or nephew, and never know it. Should she find that this is something she simply cannot bear the idea of, you will be better off without her. However, the Sage does expect to hear from your ladylove soon after this proclamation.

2. The Sage has known a few ethical and competent litigators, but very few who were both. Since this career is still considered a man's profession by many, the Sage understands the that "good old boys" might be at a loss as to what to say to you. Do not accept these back-handed compliments. Stand up with every inch of your five-foot-two frame and lambast them into submission, so that they might see that you indeed are NOT too nice to join their ranks. The Sage is quite certain that you will not continue to hear such remarks much longer.

3. The Sage is of the opinion that both children should immediately be sent off to boarding school, where you and their father will be quite unable to damage these children by showing favoritism to one over the other. In the meantime, however, take the younger child to the mall and force her to watch an entire morning of ear piercings. The Sage doubts that she will wish to return to watch her sister's perforation take place. If she does, the Sage could always use a brave young neophyte.

4. The Sage concurs that your entire family must enter this fracas, and should insist that the date be changed for your own conveniences. Weddings have nothing to do with the bride or her family. If her relations have conflicts with the other dates your sister has in mind, that is their loss. The groom, as your "widdle bwudder", should have all the say in this matter, and needs to begin to whip "Jane" into shape early as to who gets to make all the decisions for the other. Then again, it sounds as if he has already abdicated this role, in permitting his bride-to-be decide who in his family is worthy of coming to her wedding.

Paternally Sage

2010-06-17T07:17:00.000-07:00

The Sage acknowledges that occasions such as Mother's Day and especially Father's Day can be very trying for many Seekers. Not all Seekers had adequate parentage, and many had malignant guardians in their minority. Even so, the Sage will attempt to address the concerns of the following http://www.slate.com/id/2257149/ Seekers.

1. The Sage assures you to follow your instincts. You absolutely must let this child know, as soon as humanly possible, of his mother's slatternly ways and that his father is not his own. Armed with this knowledge, the child may at once begin to afford each of your the respect which you so solicitously have earned. With luck, you may even be able to secure child support for two unique sources.

2. The Sage is confident that you daughter will understand your coaching her brother and showing only a modicum of interest in her own endeavors. Knowing early on where on stands in regard to the affections of one's own parents can be a positive thing. If nothing else, she may save the costly expense of Father's Day gifts throughout her adulthood.

3. The Sage recognizes the need for meditative contemplations to maintain one's balance and harmony with the universe, even if this introspection includes a gallon of Rocky Road ice cream. However, your nearly-adult progeny are unable to invest in this same opportunity by be required to grace their father's home on such a regular basis. Many teenagers in households including both of the original and immediate progenitors rarely grace said household with their presence over an entire weekend. The Sage recommends that you convene a meeting with them to discuss what you options are and what is fair for each person. Armed with this knowledge, they may then approach their father about whether their presence is genuinely required on such a regular basis. At a minimum, they should be permitted as teenagers to continue about the usual age-appropriate activities, regardless of where they make their bed that night.

4. The Sage suggests that you inform your father that you cannot give a recommendationas to his qualifications as anyone's suitor, given that your own relationship with him necessarily precludes that parameter.

Journalistic Sage

2010-06-10T08:08:00.000-07:00

The Sage is understandably dismayed that so many Seekers and their acquaintances have failed to grasp the simple concept that anything in writing, particularly that which is not anonymous, may and probably will eventually be held against the writer. This is the case for at least two individuals known by today's Seekers, who may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2256360/

1. The Sage wonders whether the Seeker was up to no good as a teenager. If not, what sort of teenager were you, anyway? If you are female, it is perfectly natural for your mother not have gotten along with you. This is why Romans married off their daughters at age 12, and why wolves, lions, etc. chase away their young shortly after weaning. If you are male, you may have suffered from an Oedipal complex, and should remember that in the wild, some parents eat their young. In either case, the Sage suggests that you dig up your mother's corpse, flail it until it is but dust, and crush her marker so that no one may know where her remains had been. Additionally, take your daughter to the county clerk's office and have her name legally changed, regardless of her age or protestations. Naturally, lesser advisors would perhaps recommend that you accept that she died during a time of great upheaval in your life, and that she may have misunderstood your actions, perhaps filtering them through memories other teens she had known when she was younger. While you do not mention how your mother died, she may have had some mental disturbance which distorted her view of her assuredly perfect progeny.

2. The Sage recognizes that this woman needs to learn how to deal with her feelings toward her husband's shortcoming. You must stress that she is overacting. Should such an action occur in the future, you need to decide upon one of two responses. You may ignore her actions for a time, followed by a concerned, "Are you all right? Are you choking?" to force her to say what she is thinking. Alternately, you may change your top into the most revealing article you have in your possession. The Sage grants you permission to purchase something more revealing than you likely have at present, just to make your point. Neither you nor this man's wife are responsible for his thoughts nor his actions. You alone can impress this upon her enfeebled soul.

3. The Sage insists that you have issued a Cease and Desist order at once, followed by legal proceedings against her on grounds of defamation of character. While blogging may be an entertaining way for many to share their personal diaries - along with many private thoughts and emotions, your former flame needs to consider what may happen with an even less private journal, such as those of the mother of today's first Seeker. Do not lister to the advice of Lesser Advisors, who would have you empower this woman's neuroses concerning you.

4. The Sage agrees that you must protect this woman at all costs. Grovel to her manager and to the manager's supervisors, insisting that she remain with the company, to continue to cost the enterprise money with little return. Offer to permit her to assume your own position, if necessary. After all, her needs should be foremost in your mind, not whether the company is getting a return on its investment or whether your own household must to without in order to support her. The Sage is positive that this inept employee must be the first widow with college-aged children ever to seek employment, and must therefore be justly rewarded for her failed attempt to be productive. Certainly her college-aged children could not be expected to contribute to securing their own education, when this woman is still so able to procure such sympathies in Seekers like yourself. In the unlikely event that your prostrating yourself on her behalf does not achieve the desired results, you absolutely must inform her in advance of her impending doom. Sacrificing your own position and future employability is a small price to pay to give her a few extra days of preparation to secure alternate means to sustain her offsprings' comfortable lives.

A kinder and gentler Sage.

2010-06-03T08:20:00.000-07:00

The Sage is now resettled in the Mystic Cave. The large carnivore which had taken up residence there has evacuated the premises, and all is well on the Astral Plane. Therefore, the Sage is offering kinder and gentler remarks than usual to this week's Seekers. http://www.slate.com/id/2255751/

1. The Sage recommends that you let this go and learn to knock before entering Bill's office. The Sage is certain that most people, while alone in an otherwise empty office, engage in at least some activity which they would prefer others not see, even if the social faux pas is trimming one's toenails.

2. The Sage has ruled out having Jocko and the Wrench going over to consult with your ex. Therefore, your best course would be to sit your son down and tell him that if he has any questions about you or about your former marriage, that he should feel free to ask you at any time. You might add the caveat reminder that all people have the tendency to adjust the truth at times to make themselves look better, but only if you thin he will not take this as an admission that you intend to lie to him. If he continues to act sullen toward you, you must insist that he speak with you. You can tell him, without an admission of having looked into his personal writings, that you believe he is now old enough to hear what happened between his father and yourself. Include both positives and negatives about the relationship, and do not only cover what items about which the father has apparently altered the truth. At some point in his life, your son will most likely decide either to accept what you have told him or to put the entire matter in the past, where it belongs. His feelings that you and his father were forced to marry due to your pregnancy no doubt makes him feel as if he were unwanted, rather than the loved and cherished individual the Sage is certain that he is.

The Lesser Advisor, incidentally is mistaken. It is not inherently wrong for a loving parent to look at the writings of a minor child to determine whether they are still on the straight and narrow path. It would be wrong for a parent believing their child is having problems which they are not mature enough to handle not to use any resource at the parent's disposal to help the child. Directly attacking the father's credibility will only cause the child to defend the father and will further damage the parent's relationship with the child.

3. The Sage insists that you let these material items go. You have lost a book and a friend. They have lost a child and all of the future that they had envisioned for for this child. Buy a new book and enjoy the memories and mementoes of your friend which are currently in your possession.

4. The Sage suggests that your husband ask these well-meaning strangers why they ask as to his veteran status. If they callously mention his missing limb, he can inform them that the injury and his military service had nothing to with one another, or he can simply shake his head and walk away. If they say they merely wish to thank him for his service, he can answer, "You're welcome."

The Sage's Cardinal Minion served in the military and is disabled. He has been informed by many well-meaning people when he parks in a handicapped parking space that he can get a "disabled veteran" plate. However, like with your husband, this is incorrect; the disability for these plates must be service related, and the Cardinal Minion's disability is not.

Summer Sage

2010-05-27T06:15:00.000-07:00

As it finally has now exceeded 90° F outside the Mystic Cave, the Sage welcomes the longest season of the year, summer. It is anticipated that this season should end sometime in September or October or possibly November; being replaced by a few weeks each of autumn, winter, and spring.

This week's Seekers are located here. http://www.slate.com/id/2254999/

1. The Sage commends you on recognizing the correct path, that of encouraging your mother's poor decisions and of endangering the security and peacefulness of your own home. You must inform your husband that you will be staying at your mother's home for the entire time that your mother is gone, plus a few days before and a few days after her trip, in order to make the transition for this destructive child much easier. After all, should your mother become disabled or deceased, you will need to know how to be the fulltime caregiver for the child and possibly for your mother.

2. The Sage recognizes that your overpowering love for this young man who you scarcely know must be paramount in your decisions. Insist that he withdraw from school immediately, so that you may begin to llive your fantasy with him. Being the older and surely wiser member of this yet-to-be coupling, you must not risk your own employment situation, but must begin preparations to support him as a future stay-at-home father to your many children. Do not let him deny his love for you, as it surely must be.

3. The Sage concurs with the concept of living eachday as though it may be your last. Regrettably, this is more true for you than for most. Rather than dwelling upon your eventual demise - which happens to all at some point - concentrate on making the best memories for your children that you can. This does not mean taking them from school and making a whirlwind tour of every amusement park in the country, but rather trying to convey to them in however much time you may have your values and your love for them. While the average expectancy may be only five years, your own timeline may be considerably longer, or possibly even a bit shorter. Remind yourself that every day that you can function well is a gift, and live it to its fullest.

4. The Sage suggest that you lie. You suddenly have developed a condition in your back forbidding you to lift something of the weight of these bottles. Inform the ladies that a more athletic one of them must now assume this responsibility. Lesser Advisors would recommend that you discuss this with management and encourage them to get the sort of water coolers which do not require one to heft large jugs.

Sage Employment

2010-05-20T19:22:00.000-07:00

Today' Seekers may be for here. http://www.slate.com/id/2254228/ All appear to have something to do with work situations, or in the case of the ex-spouse of the first Seeker, finding something to do with years of experience stamping out license plates.

1. The Sage would have you tread on the side of caution regarding protection of your children. However, unless and until the boy's father, whom you chose to mate with, gives up his rights to his son or has them removed by court order, you must permit visitation. The Sage recommends that you first consult an attorney to ensure that this man is still legally permitted to be around young boys. Assuming he is - that his crime was of a non-violent nature such as public urination, insist on supervised visitation only. Have your current husband and another male, preferably a blood relative of your son, remain in your home while you take your daughter elsewhere. When the visit is over, return home and debrief your husband. No, not THAT type of debriefing; find out what happened during your absence. The Sage suspects that the glitter will wear quickly off of seeing his son and being asked about support, without the ex being able to have the boy alone or to have you there to start an argument with. Ask the attorney how long the ex must go without contact or support payments for you to petition the court to terminate his rights for abandonment, unless he is willing to do so without a protracted fight.

Incidentally, if step-parent becomes a possibility, ask the boy before having the step-father adopt him. Some children have different worries than the adults expct which should be addresssed, and others simply do not wish to be adopted at all. Make sure your husband knows that if your marriage ends, he will be responsible for support, but probably denied visitation. That was the case at least for the men whom the Sage has met who had adopted step-children and subsequently divorced the mother.

2. The Sage recommend that you lay it on the line with these recruiters and with any potential employers or contacts who make the same inquiry. Remind them that millions of people are without gainful employment, and that you highly resent any implication that you have been lax in your attempts to alter your situation. Do not fail to ask as to whether their own positions might be available soon. Be certain to whine about difficulties you may have had which are beyond that which you perceive most unemployed individuals have endured. These tips should avoid the danger of competing with the many other under- or unemployed Seekers you may encounter.

3. The Sage believes in the axiom, "The more, the merrier." You most definitely should interfere with your mother-in-law's attack upon your alma mater. Decisively defend your mother and your uncle, and any other friends or family who happen to be involved in this in-bred, er ... well-bred institution of learning. Eventually, the fall-out should include your in-laws, your family of origin, and countless ... well, several others involved in some capacity with this school. At some point, your school should make the news, perhaps even the national news, so that millions of others may also know of your ire at your mother-in-law's over-zealous defense of her child. This near-adult (the graduate) should not be molly-coddled in the least, nor should her classmates. The enormous embarassment resulting from the character assassination of her peers and public ridicule of her educational background is minimal compared to ensuring that you are correct, even if it means that your family must begin a new school for your own daughter someday to attend.

4. The Sage is aware of the many varied things which can go on behind a closed door, and the greater variety of things which may be imagined by those with less than pure minds. Since the woman has been laid off, she probably has no standing at the conference other than as a hopeful passing out resumes and generally annoying the company representatives who will be attending to promote their companies. Doubtless they would not want to be pestered by well-qualified and interested candidates for any positions available within their businesses. Stand your ground and insist that this woman stay home, or failing that, find the means to pay for her own room. The Sage has been informed that many young and adventurous women find many forms of temporary employment and temporary quarters during conventions, especially from middle-aged men whose wives are not in attendance. In addition, demand that you be permitted to accompany this man to the conference. Keep abreast of him every moment, eyeing each woman or metro-sexual male with suspicion. Question him endlessly as to the motivation behind each glance and each word spoken by him or toward him. In this way, you can be positive that you never again need to concern yourself as to his faithfulness to you.

Graduated Sage

2010-05-13T06:38:00.000-07:00

1. The Sage disagrees with your assessment that this is none of your affair. How dare this slacker colleague force you to overwork in order to get his jollies on the clock! Next time you speak with him, inform him that he must perform his share of the duties at the office. Tell him that if he is unable to adjust his social calendar to keep his personal affairs off of company time, then he must remain at the office longer each day to make up for his lassitude. ASsure him that he needn't worry about his young family, as you have just the person in mind to fulfill his conjugal duties at his home.

2. The Sage recognizes that, naturally, work is all about feelings. Take the woman to lunch, Cry literally on her shoulder at how hurt you felt by her audacious attempt at undermining your worth as a person in suggesting an improvement which had not sprouted directly from your own extensive year of experience. Make certain that your boss in the other state and others about your local office learn of this, as well, so that everyone is forced to remmeber that your feelings are tantamount in the office, and that everyone should tread light so as not to damage them in any way. This will ensure that no one in that office is ever tempted again to enact such a despicable scheme.

3. The Sage will ask but one question: Is it a deal-breaker? If it is, move on. If you can easily envision yourself living this way for the next 60 years or so, go through with the wedding.

The Sage will ask a second question, but of the Lesser Advisor. Why is a man's sexual orientation always called into question when his urges are less strong than that of his mate? Perhaps she smells and he is unable to figure out how to tell her without hurting her feelings. Or perhaps he simply isn't as interested in sex as she is. That does not necessarily equate to his pining for a young man to be in her stead.

4. The Sage recommends that you handle these rude remarks with a succinct, "In that case, feel free not to attend." If anyone implies an expense which they seem to expect your mother to cover, remind them that you did not send them an invitation, because you cannot in good faith expect your mother to cover such expenses. The Sage is at a loss as to why anyone who has only shown you meanness and criticism would be in the least interested in flying across the country for your graduation. You probably could have announced early on that you were only given so many tickets for the event, but it is probably too late for that now.

Sage is Sage, but Laurel is a Twig.

2010-05-12T10:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, the Sage was assailed by a snippet of that lesser Advisor known for her doctorate in physiology. A young, female Seeker was concerned that perhaps her feelings regarding a childhood molestation had been trivialized by her parents. When the "doctor" pressed for details, the Seeker mentioned that her father had "attacked" the near-adult cousin who had perpetrated the act. "Dr" L answered that "that was acknowledgement enough." When the Seeker mentioned lesser incidents during her adolescence, the "good doctor" told the Seeker that since she had been "getting off" on this attention, she needed to deal with her own "guilt" and leave her parents out of it.

The Sage is incensed. Even if the parents reacted strongly when first hearing of this incident, there is no evidence that they did not subsequently sweep it under the rug. The parents failed to protect their child by preventing further contact with this child molestor as she matured. Even if a child "gets off" on being molested or otherwise inappropriately misused by an adult, they cannot be held at fault. It is the duty of the adult NOT to harm the child, and that of her parents and other caring adults who know that an evil person has harmed her to keep her away from this vile soul.

People like this "doctor" give power to abusers, molestors, and rapists by making the violation the responsibility of the victim. She is an accessory in harming this youth, and the Sage strongly detests those who harm the young or others who are vulnerable.

Sage advice to this young Seeker, should she happen upon the Mystic Cave:

By all means you must speak with your parents. Tell them that you feel they devalued you and cared more about the feelings of your relatives than about their own child's safety and well-being. If you are fortunate, they will acknowleedge their wrong-doing and help you work through this now. If they continue to insist that you "make nice" with your contemptable cousin and the other common relations, then you need to disavow yourself of the family you were born with, and find a group of loving friends to be the new family of your own making.

A Bouquet of Sage

2010-05-06T19:50:00.000-07:00

The Sage understands that this Sunday is the day that all the sons and daughters who have ignored their mothers for no particular reason feel obliged to e-mail them or perhaps send them a mass-produced card. People who have had good reasons to ignore their mothers will feel compelled to contact them, in spite of the damage it might do to their own psyches. And people who have tried to maintain good relations with their mothers will continue to do teh same this Sunday, regardless of the date of the calendar.

Some of these various people are this week's Seekers, who may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2252949/

1. The Sage certainly supports your feelings. How dare your mother have a failing prior to your birth! She should have been aware that you'd eventually been born and eventually find out. What did it matter whether her options might have been posing for these, selling drugs, or starving? She should at least have posted these pictures around your nursery, so it wouldn't have been such as shock now that you are older. However, the Sage suggests that you gently tell your mother how conflicted you are feeling about this. Together, you can work through those negative feelings. Holding this in will only harm you.

2. The Sage can't understand why anyone could possibly have been born to do anything more than remain tied to their mothers' apron strings their whole life, and to live as a serf under their patronage until inheriting whatever pittance they have saved for you. Unbelievably, your mother seems to be some sort of rare aberration who feels that her child(ren) should be independent adults. She actually expects you to put your own needs first, while somehow still caring for her and helping where you can. The Sage is at a loss as to handle such deviants, other than to honor their true wishes for building your best possible future.

3. The Sage finds your mother to be more the sort expected of most Seekers, rather than the loving, caring parents demonstrated above. This is an unreasonable demand being placed upon you, your sister, and the friend's daughter. Look into helping her apply for SSI or whatever welfare is available in your mother's state, such as foodstamps. The Sage accepts that your mother should not be the burden of the state, but if your permit her to drain you financially, you may be in need of such assistance yourself soon. If your mother was married to your father at his death, or for at least 10 years before the marriage ended, she may be entitled to some Social Security Survivors Benefits, which you father did earn.

4. The Sage agrees that people should be kind to others (despite the Sage's typical advice), but strongly disagrees that there is something inherently wrong with being popular. The Sage envisions that you were one of the "dorky girls" as a youth. Explain to the girls that even if the girls did not want to be their friend for some reason, she is still deserving of respect as a human being, and that you cannot accept their taunting behavior, even if it is not directly in front of this girl. Such things have a way of getting around until they get back to the target of such derision.

Spring Sage (kerchoo!)

2010-05-03T21:27:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Seekers. The Sage apologizes for having been away from the Mystic Cave. The Seekers of last week, who may be found here http://www.slate.com/id/2252304/ positively flooded the Mystic Cave. The Sage was able to dash off a quick response during the evacuation, which may be found here http://fray.slate.com/discuss/forums/thread/3862486.aspx In addition, the bear inhabiting the Mystic Cave of late is fully out of hibernation, and its cubs have grown both large and curious.

The Sage will now address the short-answer Seekers found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2252792/

To the Seeker with the bare housemate: By all means create a scene. This is your home, and you have the right to determine who does what in it. Assert your rights, and demand that all your housemates conform to your sensibilities or that they all find another place to live this summer. After all, it would be better to room with 5 unknowns than to be the one fly in the ointment opposing this man's nudity.

To the Seeker with the nephew eager to bathe his cousins: Keep your children away from this boy. If you must be around him, insist that your children remain in your sight at all times. Better that you offend your family than you permit him to misuse your offspring. Share your concerns with the child's parents. This may well be a symptom of the boy himself having been sexualized, and your concerns may help them help him.

To the uninvited friend: You don't. It's not.

To the blushing bride: The Sage fails to comprehend why more people don't engage in annual renewal of vows, complete with gift registries. Certainly no one outside of invited guests to your wedding would welcome an announcement - as opposed to an invitation - or consider sending a gift without attending a formal ball, complete with 7-course dinner.

What? Another wedding question? And a non-invitation question at that! Spring fever must be in the air. As mentioned above, surely you would never consider sending your two friends a small wedding present with a congratulatory card. Obviously, that could only be taken for the insult which it must surely be.

The Sage doubts you could alienate any couple who manage international travel, yet fail to find funds to schedule a visit to the grandmother of their children, and who then extend such a warm welcome as to graciously permit you one full day with your grandchildren. Perhaps they were in need of a sitter that day? The Sage recommends that you let them know that you hope for a longer visit, considering the not-inconsiderable expense involved, and suggest that if that isn't workable for them, that the four of them come to visit you.

To the Seeker with the neurological condition: The Sage believes that the best way is to find a way to work this into casual conversation. For instance, before the two of you go out for a climb to the Mystic Cave, state that you must remember to take your medication before you leave. This opens the conversation for him to ask or for you to volunteer for what reason this medication is needed.

Skipping the chitchat to the Seeker of employment: Inform your friend that you didn't want to waste the time of the Human Resourrces personnel to interview you a position for which you felt unqualified or merely disinterested. The friend may have been trying to help you get your foot in the door of what is perceived as a good company, so don't bristle too strongly.

The Sage sees no reason not to ask how George is faring, if you've been on any sort of speaking relationship. He may be away on a trip, deployed, or hospitalized; and your concern may be appreciated. Be aware, however, that your kind thoughts may be taken as an excuse to debrief you on what "that louse" has done of late.

To the Seeker from Providence: Providence has brought you to the Sage, who recommends that you wear a paper bag over your head at all such events in the future.

The Sage has never condoned compromise, in which for instance you might get your small wedding and he his formal one. Put your foot down and tell him it's your way or the highway.

The Sage sees many options for a college student lacking direction. At the bottom of the list is forcing the student to continue studies which she has no interest in taking. The parents might require their adult child support herself for the year, or require that she do volunteer work in order to continue to enjoy their support, or perhaps work with the young woman to help her decide what would attract her attention. Poor interest reflects in poor grades, and forcing a student to attend often results in a dropout with no intention ever to return to school to complete a degree. Also consider having her take career guidance exams, to see if perhaps she'd have more interest in a different field of study.

The Sage must now return to the Lean-To. A strong breeze is coming up, and the Minions need direction on how best to shore up the temporary quarters.

Saged at last - a real concern!

2010-04-22T05:14:00.000-07:00

Here are the latest batch of Seekers: http://www.slate.com/id/2251570/

1. The Sage is aghast that someone who works in a youth-oriented business and admittedly appears to be in her mid-20's would try to deceive everyone in such a way. Looking and feeling younger than the calendar declares one to be must be one of the worst, most heinous, and truly disgusting sins of all. She almost certainly has destroyed all of her resumes on a regular basis and constantly reinvents herself so that no astute listener will realize how many years she has worked in this industry, in an effort to get ahead in a field in which experience is the key to advancement. By all means, you must force this woman to confess, preferably during her morning show and during a major promotion which will bring in the most listeners. The Sage personally recommends tying her to a stake and branding her with hot pokers as you scream, "Confess, witch! How old ARE you!?" Your employers will decidely reward you handsomely for saving their young listeners from continuing to tune in to hear this old hag prattle on as if she were youthful herself.

2. The Sage will take pity upon you and not dispense the usual Sagely Sagery. You did nothing wrong. Repeat that to yourself, over and over. It was callous of someone to try to blame you for this, and sad that you overheard it. While most people do disregard the speed limit, it usually has been determined by what is safe for the particular road so limited. There are also yellow stripes and solid lines to indicate to people when it is safe to pass. She chose, on her own volition, to ignore all of these safety rules, in addition to one taught in every drivers ed class, which is never to pass more than one vehicle at a time. What happened was unfortunate, but the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the deceased young victim. Contact the law-enforcement agency where the accident happened. They usually have people, or people they can refer you to, who are well acquainted with helping victims of survivors guilt such as your own.

3. The Sage wonders why you have made this trip to the Mystic Cave when you obviously have hit upon the best course of action all on your own. It is undortunate that you failed to take pictures or better still a video which could also be used on the internet. Since this is not possible, perhaps a large billboard on the busiest street near each participant's home, facing both directions, so that all coming and going might know of this non-gentleman's indiscretion. Also, set your couch outside, painted with a large "A". An "F" would be more appropriate, but an "A" is a more familiar cancept. After a week passes and you have had sufficent opportunity to explain your couch's sudden appearance outside, set the couch ablaze. After the fire is extinguished, send the bill from the fire department, the fine from the city, and the receipt for a new couch to your boyfriend's surely former friend.

Note: The Sage is shocked - shocked! - that the lesser advisor would feel that any decent person would ever use a piece of furniture other than one's own bed for purposes of sex, or that individuals who are not married to one another might participate. Even then, it must only be done with the lights off, in the missionary position, and still wearing as much clothing as possible while still getting the job done. After all, this IS the 19th century! The Sage is positive that you and your boyfriend have separate bedrooms, in which you do nothing but sleep.

4. The Sage cannot imagine why one spouse might possibly want to feign interest in something of import to the other spouse. Certainly you are right to be snappish and discourteous when your husband asks you these menial questions. How much easier it is to tell him that you don't care and want nothing to do with it than to answer, "I prefer green over red." Continue on with a new resolve, and perhaps soon, you no longer will be called upon to share any decisions with this man.

oo-EE-oo Sage

2010-04-15T05:24:00.000-07:00

This week's Seekers may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2250840/ The Lesser Advisor found at this site may miss to decide whether she wishes to become an endorse or wikipedia.org or dictionary.com. These evoke somewhat different levels of authoritativeness.

1. The Sage recalls this story. Didn't that star Sandra Bullock? No, wait, different plot.

By any means possible, you must do everything in your power to stop this man from taking this position. Many individuals have vivid dream, often relating to things one has discussed, overheard, glimsed - and often it turns out that the dreams have some similarity to events which actually occor in one's life. Because of this occasional happenstance, there is a small likelihood that something similar to your dream could occur, especially considering that people are still being killed in unstable political situations such as exists in Iraq. Camp on the gentleman's door. Inform your husband that your household will now be supporting this person's household. You must absolutely not allow him to live his life and to take a calculated risk to accept this position with what surely includes some hazardous duty pay. Certainly your husband and children will understand why you are so invested in this former love.

2. The Sage is a strong defender of the young. You say you manage to treat the boy with respect. This is a big plus in your favor. However, until you can graduated from showing respect to being able to find something in teh boy to like, you are correct not to wed the boy's father. Part of your dislike may well be a twinge of jealousy that your own child must share a father with this boy. This was your choice, and perhaps should have been considered before creating your own child. You are also correct that the boy probably hears negative things about you. You are still an outsider to the child. Give him some more time, making a concerted effort to relate to him. Perhaps when you see him and your own child beginning to bond, your maternal feelings will expand to include him.

3. The Sage insists that you and your colleague storm into the manager's office, clubs and torches in hand, to press him for permission to lynch whoever called for this seminar. Should you be remiss to do this, consider walking out en masse. The Sage does wonder what having gray hair has to do with etiquette. Perhaps management would be happier if each of died, off the clock of course, so that you could be replaced with younger and cheaper employees. You might be well advise in your next departmental meeting actually asking the manager what these features had to do with the stated subject.

4. The Sage realizes that you need to sell your car in order to participate fully in this young woman's wedding. If you won't be able to secure the entire amount this way, then you must consult with the bride to be to clarify what she meant by helping you with the expenses. If she indeed meant a loan, tell her that it would be irresponsible of you to incur such debt without knowing that you would be able to pay off the debt. Suggest that if she truly wishes your participation in this wedding, that perhaps you could work with her to scale back the expenses which would be incurred by the attendants. This is an extremely large sum for non-principals to be expending for to them is essentially a large party.

Exasperated Sage

2010-04-08T05:33:00.000-07:00

The Sage grows weary of these faint of heart Seekers, with issues that the Sage has such difficulty sinking teeth into. The Minions need to screen better lest the Sage take a Sabbatical and leave the Oracle in charge.

Today's Seekers may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2250007/

1. The Sage wonders if your roommate had been living in a place even more inaccessible than the Mystic Cave before becoming pregnant. Is the father perhaps extremely tall and hairy, with exceptionally large feet? No? Then the Sge suspects that your roommate is well aware of the dangers to both her own health and that of her unborn children, not to mention the hazards presented to her roommates if this smoking is done inside your home. Sadly, the Sage doubts there is anything you might say to change the mother-to-be's question. If the opportunity arises, you might ask what she plans to do when the pregnancy has gone full term. This would not be an invasion of privacy, as this is potentially an additional roommate currently dwelling within her womb. During this conversation would be your best opportunity to suggest that it would be best for the unborn child to abstain from cigarettes and alcohol for a short time.

2. The Sage recommends that you casually chat with the mother. Tell her that you are sorry that Charlemagnia missed Marmaduchess' birthday party, but that the invitation somehow was lost. The Sage suspects that either Marmaduchess chose to lose the invitation, or that Charlemagnia didn't realize the import of the invitation when she received it. Marmaduchess' mother's response to the conversation should help you clarify what happened. If the fault was on Marmaduchess, be assured that her mother will take greater care to see that Charelmagnia gets her invitation next year.

Incidentally, the Sage is quite familiar with this Charlemagnia's condition through the lives of the Minions. Following the lesser Advisor's advice to point out your child's differences may help, but is more likely to cause the parents to avoid your child even more. Over-reacting is a good way to ensure your daughter gets even more unwelcome attention. While you need to be her advocate, you also need to back off and learn to allow her to live her own life as much as she is able to. Your job as her mother is to teach her to function as an adult without your constant intervention.

3. The Sge is so glad to see a Seeker of your caliber, enabling the Sage to offer the kind of advice which makes the Sage great. By all means, make advances toward this gentleman. Chat with him as often as possible. Bring him little gifts such as brownies or a frame picture of yourself. Ensure that you sit with him or dine at the same restaurant as he each day. Let him hear you comment regularly and loudly about the attractiveness of his glutimus maximus or on the fullness of his pouch. As an added bonus, stick to him like glue at the next office party at which your husband is present. In this manner, you may embarass yourself, trash your marriage, and be slapped with a sexual harassment suit as you lose your job, perhaps all in the same week.

4. The Sage is certain that your friend would want to hear the truth. While she may initially blame you for her pet's demise, even the incarcerated deserve to hear the truth. As to her tendency toward depression, she is more likely to have help dealing with her emotions while on the inside than after she is out.

Bonsai Sage

2010-04-01T10:28:00.000-07:00

The Sage is enduring, for a time, funtioning in an exceedingly tight space. The Mystic Cave is also home to several large predatory mammals, which are now coming out of hibernation, forcing the Sage and the Minions into a smaller chamber off of the main cavern. As such, the Sage finds it difficult to exercise the usual rapier wit, and must respond to these http://www.slate.com/id/2249388/ Seekers with a greater dose of kindness than usual.

1. The Sage appreciates your attempt at humor with this query. To reward your meager efforts, the Sage will grace you with an answer. Were this truly a physical problem with no emotional component, the Sage doubts the doctors would have advised you to come back later after you acquired a serious boyfriend. The Sage also suspects that you are dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt, which is preventing you from "doing the deed", more than any physical anomaly may be doing. If you find a man who truly cares for you, you may be able to get beyond your guilt or flashbacks or whatever is troubling you. If not, a loving partner would be patient and supportive while you undergo the medical treatment required to remedy your physical barrier.

2. The Sage has learned to say, "Glad to see you" when addressing the terminally ill. While your father may not be on death's door, he certainly is not in the physical condition he and you would surely like him to be. Apparently your father is communicative. Try discussing a happy earlier memory, but not your favorite memory. If he is unwilling to bring up those former times, you will be able to tell by his voice or his eyes, if not by his actually saying so. If this goes well, you can bring up even happier times. If not, you won't have marred such a fine memory by associating it with causing your father grief. Alternately, you could offer to read to him, perhaps from Sports Illustrated or a similar publication.

3. The Sage believes that one never knows unless one tries. The Sage's personal and vicarious experiences would indicate that people become much more attractive as a relationship progresses, and that some people actually have a preference for those others would consider less attractive. You would be well advised to progress slowly, lest you make the current friendship untenable; but remember that going too slowly may mean that you miss the opportunity for what may be a beautiful future.

4. The Sage first recommends that you avoid shopping with either one of this couple or entering the store where she is employed, if it can be avoided. You or your wife might ask Betty or her hsband how they happened upon such wonderful treasures, and how they can bear to part with so many of them at once, especially if there appear to be several which are nearly identical. Additionally, if the items were obviously purchased recently, such as an electronic device which only recently became available, you may need to confront your friend - the husband - about your concerns and your worries that he might be considered an accessory, which could result in his dishonorable discharge. If that doesn't stop it, or even if it does, a call to the manager explaining that you've overheard that his employees are bolstering their wealth at the company's expense, would be in order.

As the Oracle might say, Knowing of evil and ignoring it is no better than commiting the evil yourself.

Hurried Sage

2010-03-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

The Sage was away from the Mystic Cave today, so this is a repost of what was stated on the Lesser Advisor's site. The Seekers may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2248716/

The original of this post may be found here. http://fray.slate.com/discuss/forums/thread/3777697.aspx

1. The Sage inisists that you absolutely must share this with your father immediately. After all, he certainly has a right to know about his mother's torrid sexual history. What harm could it do, after all, besides shaking your father's sense of self, causing him to lose respect for his mother, and feeling lost when condolences are offered once your grandfather does pass, in addition to your having violated your grandmother's trust. But what a small price to pay for your father to know that probably in come cemetery somewhere is the biological father whom he will never know, because of being loving raised by the imposter who is now dealing with that tiny little condition known as Alzheimer's?

2. The Sage demands that you go door to door, airing your dirty laundry about your ex-wife, complete with a multitude of explitives, and then continue the conversations to express how kind and loving your and your wife are. Naturally, the neighbors will admire your attempting to set the record straight and involving them in a nasty family matter involving a potentially ill jilted spouse. This of necessity will make all your neighbors feel more warm and kindly to all of you, and eager to bring you and your current wife into their homes, so as to encourage your ex to pay them an eye-opening visit. Alternately, permit them to assume that the ex is deranged, and continue to get to know the two of you on your own merits.

3. The Sage wonders why Karen isn't consulting the Sage if she is the one with this dilemma. The Sage wonders also why Karen is incapable of telling Eileen that this is simply an inconvenient time, and perhaps offering to assist her in locating a suitable, inexpensive, and safe hotel. However, since Karen is not the Seeker, and it is not your problem, the Sage will abstain from becoming involved in a third party's vexation.

4. It is the Sage's experience that when one casts aspersions upon oneself, that one is hoping that the listener will assure the speaker of the absurdity of the claims being made. As to the second query, simple questions demand simple answers. "No" sounds appropriate in this case, if that indeed is the truth. You might add, as appropriate and if you feel generous, that you were made aware of the position in part due to her having known of the opening.

Spring Sage

2010-03-22T10:16:00.000-07:00

Ah, Spring. A time when the birds sing, the flowers bloom, the wind howls, and everyone descends into various states of madness. When the projects which the mere Voters rejected numerous times finally come to fruition at the politicians' behest. When the working classes dash about to pay their Tributes to Caesar. When the Minions' thoughts turn toward the cleaning and airing out of the Mystic Cave, and their curiosity gets the better of them when they happen across forgotten containers. When the mischievous Cupid has a new supply of arrows fashioned during the winter. When the young Scholars risk successful completion of their studies in order to have more time for daytime frolickings.

No, there are no Seekers lined up to inquire of the Sage today. The creek has risen with recent precipitation, and the trip up the mountain to the Mystic Cave is more perilous than at other times of the year. The Sage is able to bask in the sun, at least mentally, to peruse some long anticipated scrolls, and generally to re-energize in preparation for the many Seekers hoping to find easy remedies for the repercussions of their spring feverishness.

Ah, Spring.

Surly Sage

2010-03-18T05:34:00.000-07:00

The Sage continues to marvel at the waste of time, energy, and alertness imposed upon our society in a semi-annual attempt to pretend that the sun is overhead when it is still on th e rise. The Sage has yet to comprehend why people who wish to have an earlier evening simply do not themselves begin their days an hour earlier, rather than insisting that the world join them in this costly jest.

However, the Sage will now continue onto answering this week's Seekers, who may be found here:
http://www.slate.com/id/2248158/

1. The Sage commends you on your strong memory and fully supports your right to find fault in a young man who, being the same age as yourself, was himself being babysat when these terrible crimes occurred. The earth has a long history of community responsibility, by which an entire culture must be punished for the crimes of any of its members. How enlighted you are to confine this merely to anyone who shares DNA with your molestor! By all means, you must announce to this young man the sins of his father - oops, GRANDfather, who surely tutored him daily on how to select his young, innocent victims and must certainly have given him a list of former victims to terrorize. Hesitate not to make this announcement during class, so that this apprentice reprobate might have his reputation ruined for life, lest he ever consider repeating his ancestor's actions, for which the youth must surely himself be guilty.

2. The Sage realizes that this child must be permanently traumatized by what he saw, as evidence by the fact that he has not mentioned it to you. Naturally, he could not possibly think that Mommy and Daddy were "playing" when he entered the room. Certainly, the mere fact that he was able to calmly explain his bright breakfact concept proves that he can no longer think clearly, being totally obsessed with what sort of games his parents involve themselves in during his nightly absences. Sit the child down immediately with the "Kama Sutra", in order to help enlighten him in the truth of what he may have seen in the dark. Have your husband available, to provide live interpretaions of anything about which he may be unclear. If your child is fortunate, your adult friends will get wind of his eduation, and the society will find him a more suitable household in which to be reared.

3. The Sage fails to comprehend how any woman might feel protective toward a product of her own womb, who has had only one serious relationship since the age many people are graduating from college, and that with a woman who was at the time the relationship began the age at which most people graduate from high school. This must mest be taught how mature and adult you and her son are, with your vast store of worldly experience. Start surreptitiously, with notes tossed into your beau's laundry, threatening her with vile consequnces should she handle his Joe Boxer's again. Follow this up by screaming at her when he is ill, so that to regain some peace and quiet, he will insist that she leave while he lies feverishly upon his bed. If this fails to cement the role of the primary woman in your swain's life, the Sage fears nothing will.

4. The Sage has heard of these intriguing cards of which you speak. The Sage actually saves every date, as the Sage intends to be immortal, and every date in the future is one which the Sage plans to savor. What the Sage intends to do on these days is a different matter entirely. What the Sage does not intend to do is to shake down complete strangers who might have a decent income to provide niceties for the the Sage's future, nor to respond to requests of those eager to acquire assests from the Mystic Cave. This is a situation for which companies such as Hallmark or American Greetings are extremely convenient. The next time you are visiting your local retailers, acquire a card which wishes this couple well. Sign your name, and your spouse's name if it was listed. Mail this greeting to the happy couple, and consider your obligation to be fulfilled.

Sagely riches

2010-03-13T07:06:00.000-08:00

Today's Seekers (http://www.slate.com/id/2247473/) seem to concentrate strongly on financial matters, with one notable exception. However, this exception is concerned about something more valuable than earthly riches.

1. The Sage has nothing to add to that stated by the Lesser Advisor other than this: The Sage sincerely hopes that you are not of such a conservative background that you believe this infection is grounds to make your child motherless. Rarely, this can be passed to a child at birth by its mother. Tell yourself this is what happened and go on about your life.

2. The Sage is aware that many couples become betrothed and then choose rings together. This prevents the misfortune of a gentleman spending a fortune on a ring which the woman either rejects by declining the engagement or simply dislikes. Purchase an inexpensive ring with a pretty stone, perhaps her birthstone or yours, as a token of your love. If she spurns you or your gift, you will realize her superficiality goes far deeper than you had suspected, and you can cut your losses.

3. The Sage believes that life is too short to be stuck in a profession which one detests. Since your husband is supportive, consider this venture to be setting an example to your young child in following one's dreams.

4. The Sage is not in the habit of encouraging illegal gambling. However, were the Sage to do so, the host would advised to act like "the house", and leave one's own wager out. A more fun yet magnanimous gesture might be that you and your spouse both play, but either return whatever funds the two of you might win, or use those winnings to treat your friends to another party sans cover charge.

The Sage must now depart the Mystic Cave for a time. The Keepers of Scrolls have informed the Sage that there is a penalty awaiting for failure to return a given scroll in a timely manner. The Minions must be duely chastised.

The Sage on being a Grup

2010-02-26T20:55:00.000-08:00

Warning: If you are looking for a chuckle, this is not the post in which to find it.

When the Sage was only a Disciple in knee robes, the Sage read an article stating that most Grups* have forgotten what it felt like to be a child, and that only those Grups who made a conscientious effort to do so really did well at recalling this. The Sage, therefore, made a conscious decision then and there to maintain a sense of the childlike thoughout life. This generally has been a positive; although, on occasion it has made it difficult to respond appropriately as a Grup.

This weekend, the Sage must be a Grup. One of the Sage's favorite Mentors has left for another plane of existence. Tonight, the Sage made the Grup-ly visit to see the Minions left behind. Tomorrow, many individuals, both sage and unwizened, will gather to send the Mentor upon her way, and to comfort each other in the darkness left behind from the extinguishing of so bright a candle.

As Mentors go, this was truly one of the finest. Unlike the Sage, this Mentor never had a bad word for any Soul. When others of this world were unkind, the Mentor was more apt to respond with confusion than with anger. Literal hundreds, and perhaps thousands, of lives were touched by the Mentor. Who could hope to do better?

The Sage marvels sadly at the truth of the axiom that only the good die young. This Mentor had many long years ahead, but was cruelly snuffed out prematurely by a Darkness which crept upon her unaware. Meanwhile, one of the vilest malefactors the Sage has ever had misfortune to know goes on strongly, approaching the century mark. The Sage is both saddened and angered by the unfairness of this certainty, that it does indeed rain on both the good and the evil; but the evil, it seems, are often provided with better umbrellas.

The Sage acknowledges that life goes on; although, a large part of the harmony in life's song has paled, at least for the moment. The Sage promises the many Seekers that the Sage's usual meditations upon matter more festive will return shortly.

*For those Seekers unfamiliar with the term Grup, kindly refer to the Star Trek episode entitled "Miri".

Saging logs

2010-02-25T08:32:00.000-08:00

The Sage must confess that these Seekers http://www.slate.com/id/2245889/ were quite tedious. The Sage must look for new Minions, with better discernment as to what constitutes a Sage-worthy endeavor.

1. The Sage is pleased that you didn't waste your time bothering to consult an expert in child psychology, as these lesser Advisors might merely confuse you. The Sage will helpfully advise you to question this boy about his deviant interest at every opportunity. When he stares at them in the stoer, be certain to loudly call him by his entire anme and say something like, "Homer Eustacious Klein! I've told you you can't have any more latex gloves to play with in your room!" This works especially well if friends, preferably of the opposite gender, of his happen to be in the store. In this way, you will be sure not only to drive this hobby underground, but as an added bonus, he'll want nothing further to do with you once he is old enough to leave home.

2. The Sage will go lightly on you, due to your apparent naivete. Inform your friend that you wish to keep you personal life and your work life completely separated. That is, you will not discuss work outside of work, and will only discuss work while at work. This should ameliorate your need to explain to your friend after hours why you were upset during the day. Once you have done this, begin immediately to seek another position, so that your friend may once more become only a friend.

3. The Sage fails to see any ethical delimma. Your roommate has caused no harm to your pet, and does not use an abusive tone with said pet. As long as the animal is happy, why should its human care exactly what is said to it?

4. The Sage feels that this may be a good opportunity for your friends to get to know one another. Unless you have reason to suspect that some of these people will take an instant dislike to each other, go ahead. Make the event as informal as possible, so that they aren't stuck eating dinner next to and making small talk with strangers all evening. If you could have some sort of icebreaker or other games planned, to pull out if needed, it should lessen any initial awkwardness.

The Sage considers movies

2010-02-19T05:21:00.000-08:00

The Sage does not understand what has happened with the motion picture industry in recent years. Long ago, Hollywood had a rule, of sorts, that movie goers did not have the attention span to watch a movie over 100 minutes long. In reality, this tended to be how long people were able to sit.

Long movies have existed in the century or so that movies have been made. However, these tended to be in single- or double-screen movie houses, and intermissions were provide. The Sage believes that the movie industry is harming itself.

When movies are excessively long, many people choose to wait till they can rent the movie, rather than going to see the movie in the theater. This causes the theaters to sell fewer tickets. Even those moviegoers who do choose to bite the bullet and sit for 2 or even 3 hours in a darkened theater, tend to eschew the refreshments which are the bread and butter of most theaters. The Sage has long heard that the profits are not so much in the ticket sales, but in the consessions.

A customer who declines the purchase of concession is better able to sit through a lengthier movie. This greatly reduces the profitability of the theater in which the movie is shown. Also, if each movie is an extra half-hour longer, on average, then this also means that fewer movie goers can view even the greatest blockbuster on any given day.

Hollywood has begun to recognize this trend, the Sage believes. The quality of longer films seems to have improved greatly in recent months. Unfortunately for theater owners, this means that customers are even less likely to purchase concession. When longer movies were virtually guaranteed to have a long segment that was either boring or quickly explained to the absent viewer, moviegoers were able to plan on slipping out for a few moments during the film to relieve any discomfort caused by the ingestion of gigantic soft drinks, tubs of popcorn, and other tasty yet expensive treats. Now, there is concern that too much will be missed, so these purchases are put off until it is determined whether there is such a lull in the action.

While the Sage has immensely enjoyed these lengthier, high quality films, the Sage also fears that more theaters will discover that too many profits are lost to them. The Sage has noticed a number of quality, well-attended theaters which have simply shut down with little to no warning, and is convinced that it is the loss of concessions that has contributed to the demise of many.

The Sage would hope that Hollywood recognizes this trend, and either the manufacturers of these films will begin to make features of more manageable lengths, or will help theater owners discover a way to provide intermissions in these megaplexes which contain 10, 20, or even more screens. The alternates are movies which are priced well beyond the ability of many moviegoers - which they are approaching now - or having the best films being produced directly to BluRay.

Fraternal Sage

2010-02-18T10:25:00.000-08:00

Today's Seekers may be found here: http://www.slate.com/id/2244465/

1. You owe them nothing. Tell them you do not wish to be contacted again. End of story. The Sage further advises you to caution her that if she persists, you will first tell her exactly why you want no contact, before you obtain a restraining order.

2. The Sage recommends that you gather about your family friends of all ages, both of your husband's generation and of your own. As many of the younger me may be looking to your husband for employment, advice, loans, montoring, or whatever, I doubt he will experience the type of isolation you are experiencing.

3. The Sage suggests removing only the joint from the tatoo. It will be easier to explain to the children that your husband regrets the tatoo of the tiger, than that he also once condoned the use of marijuana. He can chalk off any scar remaining from removing the joint to being something that he got in the military, and let them imagine it is a battle scar.

4. The Sage concurs with the lesser Advisor on this one. However, the Sage also wonders why this was of such import that one would go to the trouble of approaching the Mystic Cave for an answer.

Hearts, flowers, and a sprig of Sage

2010-02-11T10:03:00.000-08:00

1. The Sage recognizes a trick question when the Minions send one through. Assuming the husband is unaware of what is going on around him, such as not being sure who his wife even is, there is no one remaining inside to cheat on. Don't neglect him in the process, such as kicking her husband out of her bed in order to indulge her lover. However, beyond that, it is a matter of personal ethics. The Sage doubts that you, at least, have a Spiritual Advisor of your own, considering to whom you addressed your query. However, if your sweetheart does, she needs to consult this person to help her make a decision she can live with 10 years from now.

2. Lesser Advisors would suggest that you wait until after Valetine's Day, permitting a competitor to swoop in and sweep your cherished one off her feet. The Sage suspects that most girls would like a secret admirer. Where the plan tends to go awry is when the young lady decides who she believes bestowed the gift, only to express open disappointment when the true giver reveals himself. The Sage recommends that if you go through with this plan, that you permit no more than a few hours to transpire before unveiling the truth.

3. The Sage encourages you by all means to expose this mountebank immediately. This will ensure that that Alice will cut you entirely from her life, defend the man with all her being, and run away with him in order to spite you. Alternately, respect your mother's years of wisdom and familiarity with Alice, and accept her decision. It may be that Alice indulges the man's fantasies in order to add some excitement to both their lives, or even possible that like the husband in letter #1, Brian is in the throes of dementia.

4. The Sage would be remiss to permit you to continue in this manner. If you do not share this very important point with the young charmer, he will continue in his current manner for your entire relationship. The Sage suspect that even if you do, he will continue in this manner. However, losing one's early love is a far less danger than to live a life with someone whose core values appear to be so different from what you ultimately desire. The Sage would further point out that one's feelings are never "silly"; only what one does because of them may be.

Marital Sage

2010-02-04T06:07:00.000-08:00

Today's Seekers may be found here: http://www.slate.com/id/2243578/

1. The Sage agrees that by all means your wife should be punished for not recognizing that the man she was momentarily attracted to so long ago would have a brother whom she would ultimately marry. Naturally, it is unforgiveable that she would ever have passed in the night a ship which docked near yours. Enlist the aid of the media. Rent several billboards exposing her for the temprtress she is, and by all means, visit your children's classes at school or daycare to explain to them what "harlot" means, along with several pictures of your wife. Anyone should recognize that your feelings in the years to come were - and are - suprememly more important than the youthful actions of a young woman with no obligations.

2. By all means, the Sage is positive that you should bare all. Perhaps the previous Seeker will have some spare space on some of his billboards advertising his own wife's shameless behavior on which you may broadcast your own. The present is meaningless. You definitely need to live as far back in the past as humanly possible.

3. The Sage understands that you fail to comprehend exactly what this loss means to your husband. The Sage divines that he was a well-respected professional in his earlier life, and is now reduced to the level of a well-kept but doddering uncle. Encourage your husband to recognize how far he has come. Assure him that your love and respect for him remains, regardless of how much farther he is able to come. Confirm to him that you are willing to help him regain as much of his former life as he can. Additionally, invite former associates to come and cheer him up. Perhaps if they invite him to activities which will get him out of the house and active again, his depression will be somewhat lifted. A support group for each of you also might be in order.

4. The Sage knows that your husband needs to remind his manager that if he continues to work for this company without remuneration, that your husband may be bringing in the next sob story. Additionally, this good hearted man neeeds to be reminded that not only does charity begin at home, but that the chain may well be in violation of many labors laws. Permit the manager to give away his own resources, provided that your husband's labors are not in vain.

A Sage in time

2010-01-22T19:17:00.000-08:00

Today's Seekers may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2242067/

1. The Sage is thunderstruck that you would dare consider doing anything to endanger this dear, precious, close friendship! Friends always share things. She just happened to share your husband. Rather, when you rent a house together for the next vacation - as you surely will - be certain to return the favor. Then, you can talk with your husband about starting a longterm 4-way. After all, what are friends for?

2. The Sage recommends that you take your wife out for dinner approximately every other night. After you have done this for about two weeks, complain of a cramp and go to a doctor. It's probable there is something else wrong with your digestive tract, but even if there is not, you can invent something when you get home. Tell her that the doctor has given you very specific instructions about what you may and may not eat, and that you would prefer to take over this chore, at least for your own meals, yourself.

3. The Sage once had the misfortune of being the first upon the scene of a young man who was killed instantly when his car rolled. (This is a true story.) The accident was on public property. However, about 30 days or so after the accident, a sign appeared alongside the memorials, informing everyone that on a given date, all of this paraphernalia would be reomved and discarded. This gave the loved ones a reasonable opportunity to take pictures of the memorial and to remove the items they had placed there. Late in the day on whatever date you choose for your own cleanup, discard whatever cannot be given to charity.

4. Long ago, the Sage completed a degree just as a recession took root in the economy. The Sage was contacted by many familiar individuals who appeared to be True Seekers, but when granted audience with the Sage, merely wished to filled the Mystic Cave with items which the Sage could neither use nor afford. Simple tell these misguided souls that you have no interest in any products or opportunities of this nature, and that while you are happy to meet them for social engagements, you would prefer they not contact you for business purposes. As for customers, tell them that you have your own investments, and that your financial advisor has forbidden you to take on any more.

The Sage ruminates on MP3 players.

2010-01-19T20:29:00.000-08:00

The Sage is naming names.

The Sage is in possession of no less than 3 MP3 players. The first was presented by the junior-most Minion, when he acquired a newer one for himself. This one, by Cowon, works very well and holds a charge a long time. It has an LCD display, but only has .5 Mb of storage. This was quite sufficient for the Sage at the time, until the Sage tired of replacing the MP3 regularly or else listening to the same tunes over and over. However, this easily randomized the entire library of tunes.

However, one day the Sage was perusing the clearance row, and acquired a Zen Stone Plus. Again, a fine player. The first one had a display problem, so the Sage returned it on warranty for a new one. The new one arrived promptly, but the Sage was saddened that the gimmicky color option which attracted the Sage to this player was not available for the replacement. This one had 2 Mb memory, much more than the Cowon. However, with the LED display, the charge didn't last as long. This player was only able to randomize the tunes in a given album, not the entire library.

Shortly after this, the Sage acquired a new radio for the Trancendental Carriage. This radio had two types of connectors for MP3 players, along with an "iPod tagging" button. The Cowon, sadly, would not play through either connector, but would charge through the MP3 connection. The Stone Plus played through the MP3 connection, and the Sage was able to search not only through individual songs, but also through entire albums with the push of a button.

The Chief Minion, however, felt that the Sage needed to be able to employ the iPod tagging feature, and found an excellent price on a Gen 4 iPod Nano, with 16 Mb of storage. The Sage initially was extremely pleased. However, the Sage's delight was not to last long.

First, the Sage has yet to finish working through the onerous instruction manual which accompanied the Nano. The tagging feature works well, and the Sage has even worked out how to view what has been tagged. At least 2 videos have been recorded, and there are 3 pre-installed games. However, the Sage is far less than pleased with iTunes.

Additionally, while the Sage is able to play the tunes through the radio, the iPod will not scroll through albums. Rather, the Sage must scroll through every tune contained within the 16 Mb to access desired tunes or albums. While the Nano randomizes the entire album, it appears to randomize the tunes in the exact same order every time. Nor can the Sage figure out how to get the recorded videos from the Nano to the compiter.

Worst of all, the Sage does not enjoy having to resync the entire 16 Mb every time the Sage wishes to add or delete a tune, involving searching through the entire computer's library of audio files, including such things as telephone messages saved for legal purposes. With both of the supposedly lesser brands, the Sage merely adds or deletes tunes or albums at will via the computer, or hits "delete" on the player itself whenever the Sage decides that a given tune should no longer be in the collection.

Bottom line, the Sage strongly endorses the other products, but highly recommends against the iPod.

Sister won’t give up on her brother serving prison time.

2010-01-02T22:14:00.000-08:00

No, this headline is not something the Sage wrote, but something which appeared atop an article which the Sage recently read. The Sage will not mention where it originated, lest the editors of said periodical be embarassed by their oversight. However, the Sage will comment on the various meanings of this headline.

First, this has the meaning which the writer intended. As one delves deeper into the article, one reads that the subject's brother is imprisoned, and subject hopes tobring to an end that incarceration. While the brother admitted committing a crime, the family feels that the punishment meted out does not fit the crime actually committed. The Sage will not analyze here whether the punishment is just or unjust.

Second, this headline has a meaning completely opposite what was intended. The Sage read this heading to one of the Minions, whose first stated impression was similar to the Sage's own first impression. The Sage immediately pictured a woman cruelly mistreated by her brother, who has sought legal respite from her plight, only to be denied the justice she sought. Still, the woman toils on, valiantly seeking her brother's incarceration.

The Sage believes that editors would do well to read at least their headlines aloud to someone not immediately familiar with what story is being presented, to verify the listener's reaction. Perhaps a better heading might have been, "Sister won't give up on imprisoned brother." Unless the editor believes that the readership is incapable of comprehending words of three or more syllables, this would have served as a much clearer headline, with the added benefit of greater brevity.

Better luck next time, Dear Editor.

The Sage on "best and worst"

2009-12-29T19:05:00.000-08:00

The article to which the Sage is responding may be found here:
http://www.slate.com/id/2240073/

The Sage will dispense with commenting on the items mentioned in passing. However, the "pollster" who wrote Prudie had no more a scientific poll than did Prudie. Researchers are well aware of respondents' tendency to give the answer they believe the pollster wants to hear. Even more likely is this to happen when the pollster is personally known to the respondent. Additionally. the phrasing of the question makes a major difference. For instance, the question could have been phrased from "You wash your bra every day, don't you?" to "Do you think it's a big deal if a woman doesn't wash her bra every day?" Both suggest answers, and neither Prudie nor her reader gave us the sampling along with the phrasing of the question.

The Sage is less patient with those who insist that anyone over the age of perhaps 6 needs to "grow up", by which they mean to give up any and all things which children might enjoy, regardless of whether adults might enjoy them or whether they even serve a useful purpose. The Sage wonders how many of these "mature" individuals have given up eating desserts or drinking soft drinks.

Neither does the Sage wish to revisit the polyamory or the prom. The Sage agrees that things things are a matter of personal preference, but agrees that children approaching adulthood certain have the right to express their own personal preferences in lifestyle changes which affect them. It is difficult enough to be a teenager, without adding fuel to the fire from which other youths will ridicule them.

The Sage appreciates Prudie's acknowledgement of her less than stellar answer to the dorm resident. The Sage agrees that a more responsible adult presence is in order in that place, but the resident is unlikely to be able to cause that to happen, short of having a parent who donated a wing to the school library. Intervention by a school advisor of some sort is certainly in order in this situation, both to calm the narc and to control the more flagrant violators.

Exit Sage left, even!

2009-12-10T05:50:00.000-08:00

Most of the Seekers http://www.slate.com/id/2237851/ simply need to exit the situation.

1. The Sage assures you that you must never tell this child that Santa does not exist. One might as well claim that the Sage does not exist. Ensure that your son is so convinced of the existence or Mr. Claus, that he enters college still entrenched in this believe. Never permit doubt to surface. In this way, the boy can always trust you to tell him the whole, unvarnished truth as you see it, rather than the ridiculous truths he might hear from his friends or at school, such as the foolish notion that the Earth actually circles the sun, instead of the other way around. Of course, if you could instead tell your son that his father doesn't exist, he might have an easier life. The Sage suspects that "Papa" wanted to get out of buying such pricey presents in the future. Tell the boy that you believe, and that people's beliefs sometimes disagree, but you respect the father's right to believe what he wishes.

2. The Sage believes you should inform your coworkers that when you receive a $75 raise, you will be happy to contribute. The Sage in incensed that such a high figure should be placed upon brown-nosing the boss. In many companies, the total of this gift would exceed that permitted between employers and employees. If the boss encourages this excess, perhaps you should reconsider your position.

3. There is no gift like that from the heart. Since your husband has always been this way, the Sage feels you have little room to complain. However, rather than wasting your time finding a gift to be returned or your money purchasing an item to give away, bake your husband a special treat such as cookies or brownies. If you don't bake, buy some at your local bakery. He might not eat the present, but he will be unable to return them. While he could give them away, it is more likely that they will stay in your home for you, at least, to enjoy. Make sure these treats are something that you like, as well as being something he might eat.

4. The Sage cautions you to consider what you really want. If you want to spare your mother's feelings, then leave things as is. If your mother has a large estate you have been eyeing, certainly let her tell you how you must relate to her. However, with your brother especially, you have every right to be the person you are. Inform your brother - and your mother, if she can take it - that you feel devalued as a person and will no longer accept this treatment. Naturally, you will need to kiss the estate goodbye.

Disbelieving Sage

2009-12-03T05:12:00.000-08:00

The Sage is willing to believe many things, but these Seekers may be beyond the Pale.
http://www.slate.com/id/2237217/

1. The Sage recognizes your dilemma. Your choices are to continue with a poor housekeeper; to try a new, random housekeeper; or to trust a friend to attempt the job and augment their income, at least on a trial basis. By all means, tell your friends that you don't trust them to do a good job, ask a fair price, or leave your private belongings alone. Then, when they cease to be friends, they should be happy to work as unfriendly housekeepers for even less. Even a one month trial might be enough to make them think you care, so carefully avoid it.

2. The Sage no longer is surprised by who steals what from common refrigerators. Executives usually don't get to their positions by acting fairly or nicely to those equal to or beneath them professionally. Unless the culprit is called out in the act or a security camera is placed in front of the refrigerator, there is no way to accuse anyone and have it turn out well, particularly not someone in a position to terminate the accuser. The Sage, therefore, prefers the bait-and-hitch method of catching food thieves. Leave something in the refrigerator, commenting in ths person's presence how delicious it is, which leaves a non-toxic but embarassing surprise, such as a laxative or bright ink which will be noticeable on the culprit's mouth after the meal.

3. The Sage recognizes your terror in this issue, that you might actually come into contact with someone's germ, which you could so easily hide from it it came in the form of a sudden sneeze, If you have children over the age of 6, post one of them by the restroom in your home to stop each offender coming out of the bathroom without washing to request they complete the task. Be certain to post public health posters about the proper method of washing, usually reserved for food service employees. At work is trickier; perhaps you can borrow the previous Seeker's security camera after her thief has been exposed. How you might use this camera to suitably embarasser the unwashed masses without exposing yourself as the source of the pictures is up to you.

4. The Sage strongly urges you to show your schizophrenic brother your great trust of him. Have him help you polish the knives in your home or clean any weapons, and then ask. Certainly he will be amused at your distrust of him, given the strong lack of any evidence of evil-doing. I certain he would be more than happy to confess to this and many other crimes when confronted like this. With luck, he might even return to his previous state of madness, triggered by your question.

Stuffed Sage

2009-11-27T08:31:00.000-08:00

The Sage's parchment containing this week's admonitions was misplaced amongst all the hubbub. However, what was lost has been found. Please refer to this week's Seekers at http://www.slate.com/id/2236537/ .

1. The Sage embraces others' pursuit of a Higher Being. That said, you have the right to your own opinions. Will your boyfriend use religion to control your actions in other ways later in life, such as, "God told me that women should be seen and not heard"? The Sage is certain, however, that your love can overcome whatever barriers this man is placing before you, and that you will grow accustomed to his making edicts which to which you must adhere. When he reallizes that you are too free with your sexuality for him to marry, and he marries the first new woman at his church that he meets, you will be off the hook anyway.

2. The Sage recognizes that most people cannot control what involuntary noises emit from their bodies. By all means, start a campaign to let this woman know how annoying her snorting laugh is. She will then become so self-conscious that she is unlikely to laugh casually again, at least in the presence of her coworkers.

3. The Sage encourages you to lie on your father's behalf, provided that you are willing to support him when he becomes terminally unemployable over this ruse. Employers have not been permitted to "bad mouth" employees for years now, over concerns about legal proceedings concerning slander. However, feel free to go against your own moral code if you feel it will make your father love you.

4. The Sage is aware of the many layers of assistance most situations have before involving the law. Apartments generally have landlords, managers, or superintendents. Unless the brawlers are one of these people, consider turning there first. If you make a recording and enhance it with additional sound affects from whatever horror movie is on television that night, your problem should be resolved permanently.

Sage with Turkey

2009-11-19T15:53:00.001-08:00

Here are today's Seekers: http://www.slate.com/id/2235694/

1. The Sage applauds your independence, and recommends that you find another Smith or perhaps a homeless Jones to fill in your spot for the in-law's picture. When your fiance discovers how much more pleasant it is to deal with someone who knows how to get along with his family, the issue of appearing in this picture should never trouble you again.

2. No.

Oh, you wanted a Sagely response. The Sage suggests that, by all means, you should encourage this hobby. Perhaps you could organize a Brownie troop, and he could take pictures of each of them in their unmentionable twice a year until they are adults, so that he can modify these pictures just to see what they might look like nude. Be sure to encourage him to offer his services asa babysitter for these girls whenever you are otherwise occupied for the evening. The Sage is convinced he would soon become the talk of the town.

3. The Sage fails to understand why it might be unacceptable to approach someone through a dating site in which he has voluntarily enrolled. At worst, he can tell you he isn't interested or simply ignore you. At best, it saves him that awkward moment of explaining to you that he has terminal cancer. The Sage does wish you to consider your motivations in pursuing this relationship, to ensure that you are not simply misplacing your compassion beyond the environs of your office.

4. The Sage assumes that you already have met this uncle and are not merely over-reacting to descriptions your boyfriend has given you of him. The Sage commends your hospitality and urges you to send your friends Guido and Tiny to meet with this uncle, at least to have them greet the guests entering your home to give them each a proper frisking. The uncle may need to be given an offer he can't refuse to leave his peace-maker at home. Perhaps you know a uniformed officer who could use a good meal on Thanksgiving Day, just before or just after his (not her) shift.

Sagely consternation

2009-11-16T05:23:00.000-08:00

Today, the Sage address not a Seeker, but the Seeker's wife. Here is the link.
http://www.azstarnet.com/sn/accent/317737.php

Madame, the Sage applauds your feelings against smoking. The Mystic Cave has a strict no-smoking policy, and the Minions have instructions to escort any Seeker reeking of smoke (of any variety) to the waterfall to shower before approcahing the Sage. However, the Sage did not seek out these souls. The Sage has made no vows to these souls. The Sage, in fact, could go through life entire without ever knowing these souls existed.

You, however, have committed a gross violation of your marriage vows. Even if you wed with the local Justice of the Peace, you promised to be a helpmate to this man, throughout both your lives, for better or worse, until one of you dies or you get a divorce. At the rate you are going, the latter is becoming highly probable.

This man loves you and is trying to honor his marriage vows. However, you have changed the rules, arbitrarily and without any change on his own part. Unless this man did NOT smoke before you wed or claimed to be a non-smoker and only told the truth after the wedding, the only thing that has changed is you. It doesn't matter if his doctor has told him to quit smoking or die next week; this is his choice to make.

Certainly you should have input on this decision, and you are certainly within your rights to do everything reasonable to help him stop smoking. However, it is his body. You may forbid him to smoke in your presence, in the house, or in the car; although, the Sage believes he would agree that if you are not present, it is his house and car, also. He does not indicate that his smoking is cutting your own life drastically short, so that he is intentionally harming you, either.

The Sage agrees with a simple axiom: The only person you can change is yourself. Using conjugal rights as a reward for your husband's compliance with your wishes is simply WRONG. If you really wish him to stop, explain to him why you want him to stop, offer to help in any way to make it easier for him to stop, and offer to change a habit of your own that he finds unacceptable.

You know you have your own bad habits, and probably several. Your husband married and loves you in spite of these habits. Your actions may be intended to show him that you love him, but are in fact counterproductive. You are adding stress to his life, which in turn makes him desire cigarettes even more.

The fact that you have managed to withhold sex for an entire year indicates to the Sage one of three things: You have another lover; you don't care for sex (at least with your husband); or you have a stubborn streak the likes of which few have seen. Once your husband realizes this, he may decide that, despite his love for you, he is better off alone.

Once he is alone, he'll probably be ready to stop smoking, but he'll also be unlikely to take you back.

Sunrise Sage

2009-11-12T05:51:00.000-08:00

Today's Seekers may be found here.

1. The Sage is confused, having never met anyone too unattractive to flirt nor too unattractive to be flirted with. Perhaps your understanding of the purpose of flirting is skewed. The Sage sees two alternatives for you. You can begin flirting with members of whatever gender you are attracted to, regardless of how attractive or unattractive the flirtee is, and just have fun doing it. Alternately, resign yourself to the concept that you simply aren't worthy. The Sage has seen many objectively unattractive individuals in deep relationships. Fortunately for their partners, these individuals didn't worry about how they appeared to others, and just went with the flow. However, convents, monasteries, and the like can always use a new novice. Have you considered a position as a Minion in a Mystic Cave?

2. The Sage see no problem here, either. Explain to your in-laws that you wish to host the event this year, your way, or accept that the rest of your life will be spent having Thanksgiving dinner where children are unwelcome and leftovers are unavailable.

[Note to Novices: Where are you finding these flailing Seekers who have no Questions of Import? Have you been trying to sell the Sage's autograph again?]

3. Thank you, Minions, this is more like it. The Sage recommends that you approach your employer with a question. Ask if he would like to have a share of the finder's fee for turning in the perpetrator of insurance fraud whom you have discovered. When he inquires further, explain that it is his office manager who is perpetrating this fraud. This will give him opportunity to explain to her the error of her ways, find a new office manager and perhaps a new wife, and make restitution on his own. If he fails to do this and you likewise fail to report this to someone, then all with this knowledge are considered co-conspirators. Unless you would enjoy having the office manager as your cellmate, you need to act at once. Be sure to document this conversation and your evidence, as you may be told something is being done and then be accused of being the thief yourself.

4. At last, a trule Sage-worthy dilemma. The Sage insists that you make the most of any communication you have with this man. When he shows the least proclivity to communicate with you, as he did in this instance, immediately turn off all media, lock out any children or pets, and close the blinds so that he may give you his undivided attention. Carefully watch his eyes as you speak. If his eyes begin to wander or he begins to squirm, reassert that this is your time and that he must pay heed. Be as insistent as the Sage's computer, which just demanded that it be rebooted, and only appeared to offer an option as to when. Finally, when you have nothing else to add, you may permit him to resume his previous activities. He may, at this point, wish to communicate to you, now that his role as receptor has been exhausted. Indulge him if you wish, but never forget that communication in your marriage is all about what you have to say.

A Pinch of Sage

2009-11-05T19:39:00.000-08:00

Today's Seekers appear to be a rather youthful lot who are greatly in need of the Sage's great wisdom.

1. The Sage believes that the vibrator is certainly a safer alternative to most partners one is like to find. Ignore what You-Know-Who said; she fears that her own child might bring up this subject and is projecting this fear onto you. The Sage sees some real advantages to discussing this with your mother. Instead of the cheap model with flash around the edges, perhaps your mother would be willing to invest in the deluxe model for you. After all, Christmas is coming. As a nurse, perhaps she will even help you maintain the machine, to ensure it remains sanitary. Above all, her relief that your partner is merely of the mechanical sort might mean she would be willing to extend your curfew.

2. The Sage recommends that you insist on determining this man's fertility immediately. In fact, the Sage is aghast that this was not part of the 83-part questionaire you had him complete before going out with him. Be certain to have him get a complete physical, including genetic testing, along with a complete background check and a financial analysis. Anything less would be tantamount to agreeing to live in poverty with a man who had a vascectomy in prison, and who is supporting his genetically deficient children left over from a previous failed marriage.

3. The Sage encourages you to force your father's hand immediately. Go at once to his home, and explain to your younger half-brother how to set up the various booby traps you once employed, so that he might follow in your footsteps. This act of love toward your sibling should certainly endear you further to your father. Insist to your father that the entire family - there may be additional siblings - simply must be at your wedding in order for you to maintain your facade as a well-balanced person in front of your new in-laws. Don't forget to sit your father and his family next to your mother at the reception, as well.

4. The Sage is confused as to why someone as trustworthy and efficient as yourself has not yet been given the key to the executive washroom. You must remedy this situation as best you can. The instant the workman enters the restroom, bang on the door and remind him to lower the seat when he is finished. Wait at the door and inspect the room when he exits. You can acquire a "grabber" at a medical supply store, so that the seat may be lowered (loudly, of course) if he is remiss in this duty. Then use the grabber to pick up his socks and deposit them with a flourish upon his desk. Announce in a loud yet clear voice that he obvious has forgotten to reclaim his hosery. Inform him that if the socks are no longer needed, there is a disposal bin handy for the purpose of removing unwanted articles.

Simply Sage

2009-10-30T17:01:00.000-07:00

Today's Seeker has wisely turned to the Sage, albeit indirectly, for the Sage's great dispensation of wisdom. (The Sage's Minions have repaired this link.)

The Sage recognizes that this is a very important woman in your life. After all, what more can a man ask for than a woman who does NOT lie, cheat, or generally treat you like human excrement? One surely can ask nothing more out of a relationship than to remain unabused. Lesser Advisors would recommend that you either cut your losses or insist that she get therapy for the problems which affect her shows of intimacy.

The Sage discerns that you that you must insure that you never lose this special relationship. Only being "with her", and not being legally committed to her enables her to leave at any time. You must insist upon a wedding, as quickly as the laws in your state permit. We all know that when someone gets married, all of those annoying or quirky habits only get better, once the need to impress each other has become less imperative. Since you don't want to annoy her nor to hear her complain, you must also purchase a second bedroom suite for yourself, to put into another bedroom. This may require you moving into a larger home, but no sacrifice is too great to bear for such a close, satisfying relationship.

Liberated Sage

2009-10-29T16:25:00.000-07:00

It is I, the Great Sage, late of the Fray. As the Oracle is somewhat possessive of the Temple at DelFly, I have returned to the Mystic Cave, from whence I shall emerge to address the dilemmas of variouss Seekers.

1. The Sage cannot understand why anyone would be so unreasonable. You obviously have no sense of compassion for this man, who asks only one simple request of you, that he be permitted to incapacitate you on a daily basis. You must make pennance by recalling to him several other behaviors which you recall from various movies involving horror or torture, and beg him to employ those techniques, as well. Be certain not to make any plans in the future which would deprive him of even a moment of your time, so that he may employ these techniques ass often as possible.

2. The Sage sees a common theme in these Seekers who refuse to grant others power over themselves. Lesser Advisors (cough *the oracle* cough) might advise you to share only those events upon which you look back fondly. However, the Sage knows that you must use this as a carartic experience. Enumerate every event, thought, mispoken word to which you were subjected as a child, either from your mother or perceived to be a a result of her inability to protect you. When you are finished, be sure to thank her for not being there for you, which surely made you a stronger person.

3. The Sage grows weary of these selfish Seekers this week. Obviously, there is only one solution to your problem. You must immediately tear down your home and build something large enough to entertain these individuals, their significant others, their parents and potential in-laws, and any progeny or the significant others of those progeny which might appear in the future. Do not be alarmed if you are in an apartment. Simply have removed all the other tenants, tear down or rearrange a few walls, and your mansion should be complete.

4. The Sage intensely disapproves of those who would fail to protect the minors in their care. Obviously, you have recognized that these individuals, from whom the child was removed, are in a much better position to protect her than you are yourself. Pack the child's bag and send her to live with these people for six months. If she survives until the visitation is over, naturally she will have learned why these people must remain such an enormous factor in her life. If there are any scars, remember that counselling and plastic surgery can work wonders.