Friday, October 30, 2009

Simply Sage

Today's Seeker has wisely turned to the Sage, albeit indirectly, for the Sage's great dispensation of wisdom. (The Sage's Minions have repaired this link.)

The Sage recognizes that this is a very important woman in your life. After all, what more can a man ask for than a woman who does NOT lie, cheat, or generally treat you like human excrement? One surely can ask nothing more out of a relationship than to remain unabused.  Lesser Advisors would recommend that you either cut your losses or insist that she get therapy for the problems which affect her shows of intimacy.

The Sage discerns that you that you must insure that you never lose this special relationship. Only being "with her", and not being legally committed to her enables her to leave at any time. You must insist upon a wedding, as quickly as the laws in your state permit. We all know that when someone gets married, all of those annoying or quirky habits only get better, once the need to impress each other has become less imperative. Since you don't want to annoy her nor to hear her complain, you must also purchase a second bedroom suite for yourself, to put into another bedroom. This may require you moving into a larger home, but no sacrifice is too great to bear for such a close, satisfying relationship.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Liberated Sage

It is I, the Great Sage, late of the Fray. As the Oracle is somewhat possessive of the Temple at DelFly, I have returned to the Mystic Cave, from whence I shall emerge to address the dilemmas of variouss Seekers.

1. The Sage cannot understand why anyone would be so unreasonable. You obviously have no sense of compassion for this man, who asks only one simple request of you, that he be permitted to incapacitate you on a daily basis. You must make pennance by recalling to him several other behaviors which you recall from various movies involving horror or torture, and beg him to employ those techniques, as well. Be certain not to make any plans in the future which would deprive him of even a moment of your time, so that he may employ these techniques ass often as possible.

2. The Sage sees a common theme in these Seekers who refuse to  grant others power over themselves. Lesser Advisors (cough *the oracle* cough) might advise you to share only those events upon which you look back fondly. However, the Sage knows that you must use this as a carartic experience. Enumerate every event, thought, mispoken word to which you were subjected as a child, either from your mother or perceived to be a a result of her inability to protect you. When you are finished, be sure to thank her for not being there for you, which surely made you a stronger person.

3. The Sage grows weary of these selfish Seekers this week. Obviously, there is only one solution to your problem. You must immediately tear down your home and build something large enough to entertain these individuals, their significant others, their parents and potential in-laws, and any progeny or the significant others of those progeny which might appear in the future. Do not be alarmed if you are in an apartment. Simply have removed all the other tenants, tear down or rearrange a few walls, and your mansion should be complete.

4. The Sage intensely disapproves of those who would fail to protect the minors in their care. Obviously, you have recognized that these individuals, from whom the child was removed, are in a much better position to protect her than you are yourself. Pack the child's bag and send her to live with these people for six months. If she survives until the visitation is over, naturally she will have learned why these people must remain such an enormous factor in her life. If there are any scars, remember that counselling and plastic surgery can work wonders.