Saturday, December 18, 2010


The Sage apologizes for the unavoidable delay in advising this week's Seekers. Technical difficulties made the Mystic Cave inaccessible. However, this advise has been waiting in the wings until access was restored.

1. First today (or rather, last Thursday) is a Seeker whose boyfriend refuses to propose marriage until the Seeker has taken a lie detector test to prove that information about her past has been completely true.

The Sage concurs that the past cannot be undone, nor should this gentleman feels as if he were somehow betrayed by your behavior prior to being involved with him. This is provided, naturally, that those occurences do not affect him. For instatnce, a child for whom your are responsible or a communicable disease which might impact him are very much his business.

The Sage is curious about two things, however. First, the Sage wonders why you are not capable of asking him to wed you, since it does need to be by mutual agreement, unlike in the days of yore. More importantly, the Sage wonders why you wish to be tied to someone who has proven his distrust of you in such egregious ways. Are you prepared for him to be uninvolved in any future pregnancies, until the child is born and a paternity test may be performed? What you should do depends, of course, on what you want for the future; however, the Sage sees no happiness ever after within this union. Even employers are generally prohibited from require these tests as a prerequisite for employment.

Be that as it may, since you seem intent upon this marriage, take the test, learn to grovel, and have yourself surgically sterilized.

2. The second Seeker's father has multiple medical problems resulting from poor health habits.

The Sage would remind you, your siblings, and your mother that no one can force an adult to do something they do not wish to do, unless serious threats - such as an Uzi pointed at them - is involved. Rather than giving your father the usual Christmas (or other holiday) gifts this year, collectively purchase him and extra large coffin a tthe local funeral home, to be made available immediately upon his demise. When he objects, notify him that none of you wished to waste funds on a gift he would be using for less than a year.

3. Today's third Seeker is required by her employer to contribute to charities of the employer's choice and to increase this deduction each year, even though the cost of the company medical insurance is also going up.

The Sage recommends that you inform your employer that from this date forth, all of your charitable contributions will be of your own choosing. You should add gently that it is illegal to require or even to intimate that is is necessary to contribute to any charity in order to preserve one's position. Should this invoke the employer's ire, remind him as well of the carious "whistle-blower" laws which forbid termination of employement based on reporting of illegal activitiies. The Sage is not a lawyer and cautions you that each of these laws may depend upon the size of the company, so be certain to consult an attorney before this confrontation.

Barring that, perhaps you can find a "coyote" who will smuggle you south of the Rio Grande, where at least the cost of living is far less.

4. Today's final Seeker has recently graduated from colleged and secured a position in another city. The Seeker's parents immediately moved into a smaller room with no guestroom and seem to have limited the Seeker's visit to their new home.

The Sage understands your uncomfortable feelings of being cast out of your childhood family. However, the Sage also recognizes your parents' feelings of new-found freedom and unwillingness to continue to treat you as their child who is merely away at college. Apparently, your parents are still revelling in the ability to go to the kitchen for a late night snack without having to don a robe first, and have been waiting for two decades to be able to have sex in the living room without worrying about your walking in. Moving into a smaller home was a gentle way of telling you that you no longer live with them. As you are now self-supporting, consider securing a room elsewhere for these visits to your parents' home. Remember that, while you will always have a place in their hearts, their house is no longer your home, and you should not feel entitled to the same privileges there as when you were still their dependent.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Enraged Sage

The Sage will dispense with the usual caustic directives for this week, as the individuals involved are sufficiently caustic on their own.

1. The first Seeker in line today is a child in a private school, whose favorite teacher is molesting one of the Seeker's close friends.
You have said, "I feel he's abused his position of power over Bee." This is correct, and the Sage strongly believes that Bee is neither the first nor the last girl with whom this will happen. Had you seemed a bit more vulnerable, he may even have tried his wily ways with you. The Sage urges you to report him at once. Bee will be angry, but it is the right thing, both for her and for any future potential victims. (No, you need not admit that you were the "snitch.")

2. The second Seeker has been receiving Chirstmas wish lists from every family member, on orders of the mother-in-law, who believes gift cards are inappropriate, even for those mourning the loss of their firstborn.
The Sage would like to remind Seekers everywhere that gifts are a privilege to receive, not a requirement to give. Ignore or delete the lists and this woman's orders and proceed as you had originally planned. She will know of your plans when the gifts are opened.
3. The third Seeker has had the custom for many years of inviting her daughter's best friend and family to Christmas festivities, as the other family has no in-state family of their own, and wishes to end this custom due to the growth of her own family.
The Sage agrees that you have no moral obligation to invite anyone with whom you do not wish to share your holiday. However, at a minimum, you must discuss it with the now uninvited guests, rather than simply not issuing an invitation. If possibe, offer to have them visit for a short time before or after the meal, so that everyone will get time with those without whom the holiday may not feel complete. The Sage also wonders if you have ever heard of a device known as a "card table".
4. Today's final Seeker has 4 great-nephews and great-nieces, three of whom are infants. The Seeker wishes to continue to contribute to the college fud of the oldest - whose mother has always been gracious about gifts received, and givegive nothing to the younger children, whose parents have been less gracious.

The Sage understands that you may have been distracted during the conversation with today's second Seeker, and will therefore reiterate what is pertinent to your situation. Gifts are a privilege of the recipient, not an obligation of the giver. Give what you want to whom you want. If your sister or the other children's parents complain, explain that you have personal reasons to be more generous to the one child. You need not explain that the personal reasons include the other parents' rudeness. Ignore lesser Seekers who would tell you how to spend your own money. If the other parents cared about you for other than your financial resources, they'd have been closer to you in teh past.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Sage-remental advice

Today's Seekers are all a-dither regarding celebration - or not - of Christmas, wiht one Seeker unsure of how to act parental. The Seekers may be found here.

1. The first Seeker wishes to know whether her sexually unfulfilled husband should visit a dominatrix.

The Sage is aware that the Lesser Advisor miscontrued your actual question. Rather than asking whether he should make these visits, you are asking whether he should be permitted to do so. If you are already able to control your husband's actions even when he is not with you to conform to your desires, then he is already married to one. You might ask yourself whether either conforming to his desires or dissolving the marriage would be less expensive than his regular visits to a professional.

2. The second Seeker has been lying to avoid telling her daughter's grandmother that the grandmother's multiple accidents make her ineligible to drive with said child in the vehicle.

The Sage will make the rare recommendation that you provide the whole truth. Inform the dear lady that you trust her with your child - until an automobile is involved, on grounds of her driving record. Suggest that she have her eyes and ears test. If nothing is discovered which can be easily remedied to improve her driving abilities, set your foot down as a parent and tell her absolutely no to transporting your child. Better yet, have her son explain it to her. Perhaps he will understand that the welfare of his child is more important than confrontation avoidance. In any case, perhaps it is time for the licensing agency to reconsider her driving privilege, if this has not happened already.

3. The next Seeker is a non-Christian who has unsuccessfully complained about the company's religiously based Christmas festivities.

The Sage suggests that you fight fire with fire. Rather than having a discreet display of your own faith or practices, go all out this year. For instance, Hannukah has already begun, but you might stil bring an enormous Mennorah to work, place it just outside your cubible or unavoidably nisible to those passing your office, with candles sufficiently large to burn the entire time that you are at work each day. Play music of the holiday or festival which you do celebrate loudly enough for everyone in the office to hear, but not quite loudly enough for anyone to make out any of the words, unless the songs are not in English. When management comes to ask you to tone down your celebration at work, innocently proclaim that you believed this was encouraged, based upon the activities already being endorsed by the company.

Ignore Lesser Advisors who feel that religiously-based activities, as opposed to secular ones, are perfectly acceptable in the workplace, just because they eventually end.

4. The final Seeker for today worries about offending in-laws who wish to celebrate Christmas by treating the Seeker and spouse to a trip which they do not relish.

The Sage see no dilemma here. Tell them simply that you appreciate the more than generous offer, but are unable to make the trip with them.

Lesser Advisors need to recognize that destination weddings require the guests to pay their own travel expenses, and therefore are not comparable to this issue.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Wednesday's child is full of Sage

This week's Seekers, in deference to the upcoming holiday, have presented themselves on a Wednesday, instead of the typically assigned Thursday, and may be found here:

1. First is a Seeker whose mother smothered the Seeker with well-intentioned kindnesses, and is doing the same for a younger brother, effectively crippling their ability to function as independent adults.

The Sage is aghast that you would speak so ill of your mother. If you are indeed certain that your brother is under a bad influence, enter your parents' home this long weekend, guns a-blazing, and abscond with the young man. Lock him in a dark room for 3 weeks, offering him nourishment or comfort only when he comforms to your wishes. ("He rubs the lotion ...") At the end of this training period, insist he seek remunerative employment by night while continuing his studies by day. Ensure that you have carefully screened whatever courses he wishes to study or whatever employment he wishes to seek. In this way, you may extend his dependence, while simultaneously liberating him from being coddled. Meanwhile, your parents should both applaud your efforts to spur your brother's entrance into the adult world, provided you are not required to shoot them during the abduction.

2. Next is a Seeker who will b e required to shave a beard he has worn for two years if he wishes to participate in his sister's wedding.

The Sage agrees that the hair on your face, as a part of your body, is your choice. Encourage your sister and her betrothed to consider donning beards themselves for the occasion, just to make it all uniform.

3. Our third Seeker became emotionally distraught after being summarily informed that another had been hired for the position for which the Seeker had been training.

The Sage wishes to sympathize with your despondency at your employer's recantation of the promise that you would be given this position, even after having begun to train you for the situation. Given the timing and the startling nature of the announcement, the Sage doubts greatly that anyone would fault you for being human and displaying an emotional reaction at such disappointment. Carry on your duties as if this incident had never happened. However, also update your resume and seek other opportunities, as some employers are extremely reluctant to move an effective employee to other tasks. Also speak quietly to whomever was responsible for this decision, to let them know of your dissatisfaction and your hopes that you will not be sidestepped on any future opportunies within your current organization.

4. Today's final Seeker is married to a medical intern who makes jokes about his patient's private equipment, having pointed out one patient he recognized in public to a friend.

The Sage agrees that your husband is being unethical to discuss patients' personal information with those who are not on a "need to know" basis. Before you sabotage your husband's future, however, remind him of his legal responsibility to protect his patients' privacy and suggest that anyone overhearing his remarks would be in a position to report him to someone able to end his career. If he continues with similar misdeeds, he need not know that you were the source of the complaint.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Sage dressing down

Like ER workers and police officers, the Sage is need most during holidays, when people's adult manners collide with the childhood roles expected from family, and when the traditions of friends clash with the traditions of family. The holiday Seekers may be found here.

The first Seeker had planned to attend the extended family Thanksgiving with her beau, his daughter, and his granddaughter. The Seeker's sister insists that the Seeker and her beau only must attend, or the entire dinner will be cancelled.

The Seeker recognizes coercion wherever it rears its ugly head. Of course your beau must be with his daughter and granddaughter at Thanksgiving, as he may be the only family they have. If your sister and other relations are so inflexible as to be unable to set two more plates at the table, then you have no obligation to accommodate your sister's demands. Tell your sister you will let her know what you decide after you have decided, and wait till late Thursday morning to inform her that you will be unable to attend. One person missing from the meal should not create a crisis of such monumental proportions. Is your sister fully in charge of her faculties?

(Note to Lesser Advisor: Once someone is as old as this Seeker appears to be, a few months may consistute a long courtship.)

The next Seeker has a widowed mother with a boyfriend who comes to family celebrations. The family has "politely" stopped discussing anything about the late father, which upsets the Seeker.

The Sage is confused. Did your mother insist that your father should not be discussed in front of her gentleman friend? Did he demand that such discussions cease? Does he believe that your and your sibling were the result of immaculate conception? The Sage hates to disappoint you, but this man surely knows that his girlfriend once had another man in  her life and that she shared many happy memories with him. In fact, he probably wonders if your father was frequently absent or even abusive, that none of those memories seem to resurfacce during his visits with you.

The third Seeker has been living with a man for a year, hoping for marriage. Her parents were not invited to his family Thanksgiving. The Seeker asked if they would have been invited, were she and he married.

The Sage will point out that you have asked the wrong question. You are so focused on marriage that you have failed to consider etiquette. A better question would have been whether your parents might be invited this year. This may or may not have been followed with the questionas to whether marriage is in the offing for the coming year. If the answer is not an unqualified yes, perhaps your holiday would be better spent dining  with your parents and moving your belongings from his home.

The final Seeker for this holiday has many family assembling at her home, half of whom are smokers. One smoker, being of advanced age, has been granted special permission to smoke inside the Seeker's home, making the others insist that they, too, must be permitted to do so.

The Sage sees no dilemma here. This is your home, in which you make the ground rules. Whether you permit your grandmother to smoke in your home is entirely up to you and completely unrelated to whether your other relatives are permitted to do so. Inform your other relatives that when they become nonagenarians, they, too may be granted special dispensation. This is provided, of course, that your are still able to be around smoke when you have aged that much, yourself.

The Sage regrets the recent gap in weekly allocations of sage wisdom. However, between technical difficulties and the low quality of Seekers' dilemmas, this was of necessity.

Monday, October 18, 2010

The answer is "Moon".

While the Sage is on Sabbatical, the Minions offer answers to these Seekers. Since this day each week is dedicated to the Moon, this answer seemed only appropriate.

Doggie Mommy: Could be worse. You could have kids. Next time you retrieve the tennis balls, moon your man and see if he keeps complaining.

Friend at seminary: Why is this your problem again? Have him tell the hands-on priest that if he tries againthing again, your friend will send him "to the Moon!" Make sure he puts on his best Jackie Gleason voice.

Not a good friend: Tell your friend you have been away visiting relatives on the moon. Then ask yourself if she is in turn a good friend, or is the perpetually needy one in the raltionship.

Couch-potato toddler: Tell your husband you have bought the two of them tickets for the nearest Moonwalk inflatable, and that you expect them to get used.

Long-distance wedding guests: A gift is whatever you want to give someone. You don't have to explain anything after going to so much expense to make sure people they love can attend. Tell them to enjoy their honeymoon.

Corny mother-in-law: Does your husband agree with you during these heated discussions, or is he out howling at the full moon? Tell the grandparents that your doctor recommends any practices they disagree with. That usually helps.

[Not a question. Go see banker Theodore J. Mooney to pay your fine.]

[Also not a question, but apparently your friend has been too busy mooning over her new husband to think about her old friends.]

Jealous girlfriend: If they live close together and both are sober and healthy, it's not the best plan. Go by when they're having a little sleepover and see if she's looking at the moon out of his bedroom window.

Crotchless dress: Tell her you've ordered a tuxedo with open rear panels. If she can give the guests a beaver shot, you can give them a moon shot.

[Not a question. Not your child. You are sentenced to watch the next moonshot from underneath the rocket.]

Not fully sober grandparents: Is this national Leave the Kids With the Grandparents Week or something? If they can't watch the child without having a few Blue Moons tell them they can't have your moon-faced cherub stay over.

[Three more which are not questions or double dippers. Just enough for an Apollo moon shot. Make sure the person above is watching.]

Non-cuddler: Get separate beds, before a moon-sized crater is formed in your relationship.

[Another non-question. These used to be once in a blue moon, but apparently Prudie is short on actual questions.]

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Simply Sage

The Sage apologizes for lack of edginess this morning. Not only are the Seekers of even less entertaining caliber than usual, but the Sage is please at the Chilean government's successful attempts to rescue the 33 trapped miners. The Sage believes most governments would have written them off in the first two weeks, and having been unlikely to survive and the task to rescue them as being too daunting and dangerous.

The Sage is considering tabling this format, in lieu of mimicry of the Monday Seekers with a single answer, instead. On to today's Seekers, who may be found here.

1. Seeker yelled at sister during a wedding, who then told Seeker how mean she's always been.

The Sage recommends that you own your meanness. Not everyone has the ability to anger everyone by merely entering a room. Revel in your meanness. Embrace it and let it become who you are. This way, you always will be remembered wherever you go.

(The Sage disavows any knowledge of lesser Advisors who attempt to give complex medical/psychiatrist diagnoses by e-mail.)

2. Male Seeker made unwanted sexual advances toward a straight friend while on anesthesia.

The Sage agrees that you should disance yourself from this alleged "friend". Anyone who would take someone fresh from surgery and drop them off at a bus stop is no friend.

3. Seeker's landlord has resumed human sex slave trafficking in Seeker's building of residence.

The Sage urges you to turn in your landlord. While you may still need to pay this reprobate your monthly rent, you will feel better mailing said checks to the state penitentiary.

4. Seeker's relatives drop off their children without warning.

The Sgae long ago deveolped a solution to similar dilemmas. Pack whatever bags you generally take for an evening outing - diaper bag, stroller and the like. Leave them by the door. When the relatives come to drop off their inconvenient children, tell them that you would love to help, except that you were just going out. Explain that had they called first and asked, you might have been able to make other plans. Also mention that you can no longer afford the financial, physical, or emotional costs of watching five children at once, including your own newborn.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Fuzzy Sage

This week's Seekers may be found here The common theme today seems to be fuzz. The first Seeker has a fuzzy image of where her husband's true affections lie, when he could be giving his affections to a fuzzy companion. The second Seeker has a fuzzy-minded daughter, while the third Seeker's friends have a fuzzy understanding of what charity is. The final Seeker is tired of dealing with her husband's fuzzy head.

1. Seeker's husband's new friendship seems overly affectionate to Seeker.

The Sage sees that the simple solution to this problem is to buy your husband a dog. He'll show it just as much affection and still push you out in the cold emotionally, but at least you won't be embarassed for your friends to see him showering affection on the dog.

2. Seeker's adult granddaughters posted pictures of their terminally alcoholic, homeless-by-choice, dying mother on Facebook, which offends Seeker.

The Sage understands this woman's choices have been hard on all of you. They have a different relationship with her, and must deal with their own feelings. Post pictures of your own, showing your daughter progressing from a happy child to a sick drunk, and come to grips with this in your own way, as well. Perhaps they see their own pictures as a warning to their party-going friends.

3. Seeker does charitable work and donates to charities, but is berated by friends on recent purchase of a new car.

The Sage agree with your friends that the money you spent on this vehicle could have gone to help others. So can that of your friends. Each time one of these killjoys picks up a bite of food, purchases a newspaper, or spends any time or money on themselves, remind them of how this choice meant that much time or money not going to their own charities. In order for you to contribute your time and money, you need transportation to earn the money and to contribute the time.

4. Seeker's husband gets a bi-annual buzz haircut, which Seeker despises.

When your husband returns from his next shearing, excuse yourself to have the same done to yourself. If he complains, tell him this is how you feel about his choice of hair style. If he says nothing, he obviously feels your head is your own, and his head is his. Do not heed the advice of lesser Seekers, who would actually have you encourage him to maintain this style.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Sage and Pepper

Today's hapless Seeker's may be found here.

1. Former friends of Seeker's late parents threaten to make public pornographic videos of the parents and "friends."

The Sage commends you on your admirable submission of a fake dilemma. At last, the Minions have found fodder worthy of the Sage's prescient Wisdom. The most entertaining solution to this situation, naturally, would be to offer to show the videos to their own family and friends. If these ever even existed, your parents almost certainly destroyed them during your move.

2. Seeker's father is retiring. Seeker's sister refuses to come unless everyone at the party sings "Happy Birthday" to her boyfriend, known to none of the father's coworkers.

The Sage fails to see where the problem is. Simply tell your sister that all of you will see her the next day. Also mention that years from now, when her children ask why she isn't in the pictures of the event, you'll be more than happy to explain it to them.

3. Seeker's wife works at a menial job. Seeker is embarassed to tell his coworkers.

The Sage recommends that you quit your job with all the snooty advertising executives, and join your wife at her fast food job, so that she will no longer be embarassed to tell her own coworkers what you do for a living.

4. Seeker's friend requests that the Seeker take a college course, pretending to be the friend.

The Sage suggests that you do as requested. You will learn a new language, and may hear additional new words when the instructor asks for your identification at the final.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Jocko and the Sage

Greetings, Seekers! The Sage has had to enlist Jocko and the boys to resolve the technical difficulties which were clouding the Crystal Sphere and making channeling the Sage ever so difficult. Jocko has graciously offered to provide his and his colleages' services while the Sage dispensers Wisdom to this week's Seekers

1. Seeker was terrorized by a mean teacher as a child, and has discover said teacher is still employed by the same district.

The Sage is stupified that such a travesty has been permitted to persist for such a lengthy period. As you were unable to remedy this egregiousness in your youth, and will be discounted now as having a faulty memory of the situation, you have only two remedies from which to choose. The more memorable of these, naturally, is to hold this teacher and her class hostage, and after releasing the innocents, termiate both this beast and yourself. A significantly less painful route would be to have Jocko and the boys remove her tongue, so that she would be unable to continue inher current profession. Her plight would also serve as a warning to those who might dare intimidate you in the future.

2. Seeker and two other ladies own a business. While the dresscode is relatively formal, one owner does not seem to feel this includes supportive undergarments.

The Sage is dumbfounded that such a condition could persist a mere 2-plus years before the end of the Mayan long-count calendar. It is apparent that this harlot is incapable of conducting herself professionally. Either have Jocko and the boys explain the seriousness of her offense, or buy her out before she drives your enterprise into sure bankruptcy.

And now, a word from our Minions:

All right, all you Seekers and Acolytes out there. Do you think we do this for our health? No! We have to eat, too, you know, and if the Sage doesn't start getting some better Seekers showing up a tthe Mystic Cave, we may find ourselves without a cavern over our heads. So let's get some feedback here, and be sure to submit your personal dilemmas to our Great Sage at Don't make us call Jocko and the boys! We now return you to your regularly scheduled Mystic.

3. Seeker's husband finally is employed, but hours are too long to see his son in the evening.

The Sage fails to understand why this is an issue. At age 16-months, your son doesn't require the same hours as other children his age. Either adjust his day to stay up until after his father is home, or get the child up earlier to see him. He will adjust. Perhaps you could also enlist Jocko and the boys to explain to your husband colleagues how playing with his toddler is so much more important than feeding him.

4. Daughter's friend likes to sleep over, but is finicky about meals.

The Sage recognizes how this can be a life altering situation for your family. Obviously, the simplest solution would be for your to feed your own family junk food at every meal, in case one of their friends should chance to be at the table with you. Disregard lesser Advisors who might suggest that the child eat before coming over, or that she be told that this is the meal for tonight and how sorry you are that she won't be able to enjoy it with the rest of you. You definitely need Jocko and the boys to pay a visit to the child before her next outing to your home, to explain what might happen to little girls who fail to be appreciative of what is set before them.

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Today's Seekers may be found here:

1. Daughter's fiance has committed such egregious social blunders as tucking his shirt in while standing in front of Seeker.

The Sage is at a loss to understand why you did not speak up before now. When the gentleman committed ungentlemanly acts which might charitably be explained as a lack of proper upbringing. As to the charge that he intentionally rubbed his clothes genitalia against your back, most individuals would, at that moment, have asked him to desist, or mentioned it to your daughter shortly after. Since you have opted to let these behaviors continued unchecked, the Sage must conclude that you have enjoyed these attentions, and are only bothered now that he intends to become a permanent member of your extended family. Naturally, you must describe, in full detail, every minute transgression you have been forced to endure at the hands of this young degenerate to your daughter, his intended, so that his attentions may directly only toward you in the future.

2. Adult former bullying victim has located former Omega female on Facebook and wishes to apologize.

The Sage recognizes that you have grown since your age was written with a single digit, and surmises that your own former victim has, as well. You may even pat yourself on the back for having prepared this young woman for a lifetime of dicriminatory behaviors directed against herself and any children she may now have. However, the Sage fails to see what harm could come from a simple message, apologizing for youthful misdeeds, particularly if this is not accompanied with a request that she now become your "friend." Many people get past childhood hurts, and she may not remember your actions as well as you do yourself, or she may see you as the one person in her life she wishes never again to see.

3. Seeker's unemployed brother-in-law has invited Seeker and husband to his timeshare, but at their expense.

The Sage is aghast that an unemployed man would expect any financial assistance from his loving family toward a vacation at which he is providing the lodging at no cost to his guests. The Sage demands that you instantly cut this person off from your life forever, so that you never again need to enjoy a vacation without paying for your own room.

4. Seeker has been in therapy for 2 years, and has not yet informed the therapist that the Seeker's name is being misspelled.

The Sage agrees that you are in need of therapy to deal with your issues. A good rule of thumb concerning one's own name is to let errors go with someone you do not expect to see again, and to correct such errors when you do expect a coninued relationship, personal or professional. Now would be a good time to say to your therapist that you have been planning to mention the spelling error, but did not wish to seem petty at the time. Then you must ask the therapist to recommend a therapist you can actually assist you in learning to stand up for yourself.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Cheating cheaters and the Sage who called them on it.

This week's Seekers or those around them seem to have difficulty grasping and holding onto truths.  Fortunately, the Sage has always been a great dispenser of Truth.

1. The first Seeker is devastated that, having married a surgically sterile father a decade ago, she is now unable to fulfill her new-found goal of producing a child within her own womb.

The Sage concurs that by any means necessary, you must produce your own genetic descendants, or else your very existence in this Realm will have been for nought. Do not listen to those scoffers who would suggest that by rearing your husband's two young children, you have already made a difference in the world. Nor should you consider the feelings of your husband, who having teenaged or young adult offspring is now ready to enjoy his life as an empty nester. Nor should you consider the sensibilities of the step-children, who might wonder if you considered them to be poor substitutes for the past decade. Above all, do not consider fostering someone else's child. You are a woman, so it must be your perogative to change your mind, regardless of how old you or your husband will be when the child reaches 18, or the expense involved at the time your husband may be thinking of how to pay for college tuitions. Your overly delayed maternal longings are paramount, above any of those consideration. Find a lover and get pregnant or find OctoMom's doctor and get a turkey baster. Your husband will surely grow to appreciate your seeing beyond his pathetic reasoning, logic, and vasectomy.

2. The second Seeker is a scholar who has uncovered evidence of an earlier scholar having produced work not entirely his own.

The Sage commends you on your hard work to this date and encourages you to recognize, as did this other student, that now is the time to relax and to permit others to do the work for you. Think how fulfilled you will be knowing that cheating (such a harsh word) is such a simple task, provided that one keeps the topic obscure enough and the faculty fails to glance over any of the referenced sources. While there are those who have near-photographic memories and readily quote sources without realizing it, the Sage recognizes that those individuals running the risk of unintentional plagarism generally are aware of it by the post-graduate level. Since the preceding student will not have the degree revoked, your future colleagues might appreciate knowing that they must not permit this person to peruse their own, unpublished works.

3. Next comes a Seeker who is in the same field as the Seeker's daughter, and has been challenged that assisting the daughter is tantamount to dishonesty.

The Sage insists that you and your daughter throw yourselves at the feet of your colleague, and beg that he or she contact your own alma maters with the intent of having your academic and professional qualifications instantly revoked. You committed the most heinous crime of assisting a fellow professional in your field, while she merely failed to admit having consulted another in the field for some guidance. Public quartering would be too good for either of you. Should you miraclulously survive this punishment, discontinue such discussions with this helpful colleague. It is unlikely you would survive the tar and feathers which must surely accompany a second offense.

4. Our final Seeker is a widow whose late husband's parents seem to provoke the Seeker at every turn with respect to how to remember their beloved son.

The Sage conprehends that your husband's parents are themselves grieving. They obviously have had some difficulty letting him be an adult and permitting you and him to form your own nuclear family. With this understanding, the Sage believes that you have found your answer without the Sage's help. However, you might consider discussing with them their latest aggrievement and how it made their grandchildren feel, before you make the final step to remove them from your lives. In this way, they will understand that you were not merely looking to keep them from "all that remains" of their late son.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Collateral Sage

The Minions have managed to locate a group of Seekers who have or need other Sources of Wisdom, and will be so referred.

1. The first Seeker in need of other Wisdom is a young man with a tiny child, whose wife began to strike him during and argument, and who struck the woman back. He is duly remorseful, but this cannot continue.

The Sage is concerned that this is not an appropriate question for "entertainment only" Advisors. This needs to be dealt with promptly through a professional. With a child now in the the household, tensions will only get higher. Either of you could have called the police during the incident, which could ahve meant both of you in jail and your child in foster care. Concentrate on anger management and marriage counselling. You each could learn something, or many things. For instance, she need to find a way to express herself without losing her temper, and you need to learn to listen to what she is saying rather than defending yourself. While you do not perceive yourself as distant, she has another definition, which you will not learn either by her screaming nor by your "listing ways" that she is wrong. Ask yourselves, is this the marriage you want to model for your child, that your child might one day incorporate as an "ideal" marriage?

2. The next Seeker is a student who believes she has Asperger's Syndrome.

The Sage must find new Minions. These are not entertainment-value concerns. Speak to your school counselor. That is why schools have them, to assist the students in finding their own right path to adulthood.

3. Our only Seeker truly needing the Sage's advice is one who sent cards to newly widowed aunts rather than miss a planned vacation.

The Sage is relieved to see you. It is absolutely so much more important for your children to meet Mickey or for you to turn beet red at the beach than it is to attend the funerals of your uncles. After all, the uncles are dead and will not miss you. The funeral is for them, not for the surviving aunts or cousins. They need to get past this minor setback in their lives and understand that your vacation plans are paramount.

4. Our final Seeker has found a Guru to follow, but resists the new status as Minion.

The Sage commends this gentleman on locating his own Minions and for fully comprehending the meaning of the word, "temporary". You absolutely must not disturb the natural order. By no means may you tell this gentleman that you are unable to continue to provide your services. Certainly his recruiting you as a Minion far outweighs whatever it is the company hired you to do. Even when your temporary assignment end, you must do whatever it takes to continue in your responsibilities to your Overseer, even if you must drive across town with his slices of bread. Also, should anyone suggest such silliness as a grocery which delivers, shield this man from their interference.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Bringing in the Sage

The Sage has had a truly busy schedule this summer, between dealing with a large bear in the Mystic Cave and having gone on Pilgrimage. As such, several quieter Seekers have waited patiently for a turn at hearing the Sage's Wisdom for their lives. The Sage will attempt to address some of the more pressing issues.

The first of this pair of Seekers is the wife in a blended family. She kisses her daughter on the cheek, but her husband kisses his own on the lips, which the Seeker finds to be a sensual action.

The Sage applauds your efforts to come between your husband and his small child. Most new wives suppress their jealousy of their husband's time, attention, and reminder of a previous sexual relationship, but you have permitted yours to flourish into a fully blooming paranoia. The Sage sees several possible actions. Murder the child and report her "missing", as other step-mother figures have done in the past. Continue your whisper campaign with your own daughter - whose age you conveniently have failed to specify - until your husband and his daughter both see how perverse this loving peck must be. Or you may continue to nag at the man in an attempt to he himself as a pedophile until he recognizes you for the jealous Harpie that you are and removes you from the lives of both himself and his daughter. Any of these will ensure that you no longer have to witness this lecherous behavior on the part of your husband.

The second Seeker in this early procession wishes to assist her new love and others with whom she has contact in their use of the English language.

The Sage commends your intention at preserving your native tongue in the form which it has had for ... well, not that long, actually. While it is the duty of English teachers and similar instructors to correct the pupils under their tutelage as to the proper form and function of each word and each sentence, it is the duty of a sweetheart to listen to the meaning behind the actual words. However, you certainly have the Sage's permission to correct each and every misstatement of both the man you are dating and any others whom you overhear abusing the language, provided that you do so in a clear, projecting voice which will draw this error to the attention of any within earshot. This should greatly minimize the poor grammar to which you are subjected.

Our next brace of Seekers begins with a teenager whose mother seems to feel is her confidante.

The Sage has compassion for you, as you are yet a child and being asked to assume a very adult role, which you recognize as extremely inappropriate for you. You fear hurting your mother's feelings, and the Sage knows that you must harbor some concerns about your livelihood should you push your mother away too hard. In situations like this, a close at hand school counselor may be your first line of defense. If this is not an opton or has proven unfruitful in the past, the Sage suggests that you let your mother begin her soliloquy, and gently interrupt. Practice phrases like, "I know you're angry with him, but he's still my father," and "I really don't think I'm the best person for you to discuss this with." After using one of your well-rehearsed phrases on your mother, excuse yourself from the room, even if you have just begun dinner. You won't enjoy a meal with this going on, anyway.

The Seeker chaperoning the teen to the Mystic Cave is a woman whose sister appears to undermine the Seeker at every opportunity.

The Seeker laments your unsettled childhood and bemoans your loss of a once close sister. However, as she has told you to "get over" your problems while remaining one of them, the Sage endorses you to sever as many ties with this woman as is necessary to maintain the physical health of your child, the emotional health of your fiance, and your own mental health.

As it turns out, there was not such a plethora of Seekers as the Sage had originally thought. One Seeker has actually attempted to return for a second opinion! However, the Sage has permitted Lesser advisors to deal with those lesser dilemmas. Those Minions simply must be disciplined over permitting such banal and redundant entreaties to come before the Sage!

However, other Seekers in need of the Sage's wisdom are invited to sidestep the Minions by contacting the Sage directly via Oracle.DelFly at The usual punctuation mark has been redacted to ellude robotic troublemakers. Seekers are also encouraged to consider additional Advisors to be found at

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Sage what you mean

This week's Seekers may be found here.

1. The earliest Seeker accused a man of "cornering" the Seeker as a small child, knowing this was untrue.

The Sage congratulates you on your new and improved memory, but sees no legal ramifications of "unsuppressing" a memory created as a child. While you may have little memory of the details, be assured the man who was castigated as an offender remembers them well, if he is still alive, as do the records at the police department. The Sage does wonder how so young a child knew to claim you had been "cornered in a bathroom" unless at some time you had been, by someone.

2. Next we have a highly-placed professional who wonders if telling someone that a relative is a difficult person so that the relative is not hired makes the Seeker a bad person.

The Sage assures you that you are correct. Wanting to undermine this person before she is even on the short list of candidates does make you a horrible person. If your relative is indeed the difficult person you portray, this will get back to your company. At a minimum, the relative's behaviors will assure she is not with your company long. However, feel free to express to one and all how you feel about this person. This will cement in their heads how alike you and she are.

3. Along comes a Seeker who lied when her boyfriend once asked the number of prior lovers.

The Sage urges you to contact this man at once, to set straight the record of exactly how many male bodies have been crushed up against yours. Better yet, e-mail him a spread sheet with names, dates, number of encounters for each man, preferred positions, locations of each rendezvous, and so forth. Be certain to include crushes as a small child or idolizing of celebrities of either gender. This will highlight positively for him your honesty and virtue.

4. The final Seeker in today's lineup is a non-custodial mother who shares an apartment with a roommate, so her son shares her bed when he is there, unless the Seeker's boyfriend is in her bed, instead.

The Sage is dumbfounded as to how you can let this situation continue. You absolutely must leave your son in your own bed until he is an adult and have your boyfriend take the couch. If your boyfriend is uncomfortable, consider getting a foldout couch for his exclusive use when he comes over. The Sage cannot begin to fathom how a woman with such keen instincts for child-rearing was not granted full and sole custody of this child.

As always, the Minions at the Mystic Cave will be happy to present your dilemma for the Sage's careful consideration. Simply use the e-mail address linked to the main page.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Tardy Sage

The Sage respectfully acknowledges the recent absence, and appreciates the Oracle at DelFly having dealt with Thursday's Seekers. Today's Seekers may be found here:

Due to the sheer volume of Seekers today, synopses will be dispensed with.

Wife-zilla: By all means, the Sage you must inform your wife of who presented her with this anonymous gift. Perhaps after she tosses you out and cuts off her friend, you can hook up with the friend.

Kumquat's Grandma: The Sage cannot see why you would doubt the need to criticize your child on such an important decision. Obviously, no thought at all was put into choosing the name, and the child certainly will be unable to assign himself a nickname of his own choosing when he is a bit older.

Unadopted sibling: The Sage suggests simply not informing your mother of the time and date as a proper way of not inviting her. A more entertaining way might be to inform her of the incorrect time and place.

Horny employee: The Sage suggests going into the boss' office to discuss the matter. Be certain to close the door and to wear something particularly revealing. If you truly wish to derail this budding relationship, make every effort to have this discussion moments before is wife plans to drop in for a surprise lunch.

Poor excuse for a wife: The Sage recommends that the next time you are subjected to these verbal beratings, that you agree wholeheartedly with your husband, pick up your pre-packed suitcase, and walk out the door.

Spoiled rich brat: Lesser advisors would have you ignore these claims as to your character. The Sage, however, realizes that you must embrace the role that has been created for you. When (and if) you subsequently revert to character, your in-laws will be thrilled to note the "change" in you. If your intended doesn't choose to defend you from these allegations on his own, perhaps he agrees with her.

Accidental farter: The Sage has long been aware of the phenomenon that most people cannot place who created any given noise - even if an odor accompannies it - without that person's help. You have a choice either to say, "Excuse me," at a volume comparable to that of the gaseous release, or to look around furtively as if trying to determine the source. The Sage generally prefers the second option in cases such as your own.

(Note to "Jane": Odd names are typically an asset to females, but a detriment to males. You are neither Seeker nor Advisor. Go away.)

Blabby medico: The Sage generally does not address matters of law, which yours is. The only recourse is to approach the former patient, and to suggest that he come clean to your cousin.

Non-kisser: The Sage too is not free with public affections, particular to those with whom the Sage has never shared a bed nor parented. As the direct approach nor deflection has worked, consider screaming and slapping the perpetrators.

Parent-to-be's sibling: The Sage wonders how this is any of your business? Surely adults are capable of adjusting their lifestyles to accommodate a child. If you find the as yet un-begun child is either neglected or abused, the Sage is certain that you will do your duty and report same.

(Note to future Bridezilla: Again, neither Seeker nor Advisor. The Sage has surmised that those who were direct were castigated, and the friend - apparently rightly - feared further abuse. Go away and join "Jane".)

(Final note to SP's Granny: Go join the others. Stay away from the Mystic Cave unless you have a question to ask of the Sage.)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Early morning Sage

Greetings, Seekers and Acolytes. The Sage is early to the mouth of the Mystic Cave, by virtue of being late to other duties. Alas. The Minions have been hard put to find worthy Seekers of late, but the Sage will still address these which have been found. Today's full entreaties may be found here Below is a fragment of each, followde by the Sage's counsel.

1. Our first Seeker has an adult daughter questing to find the Golden Father. The first candidate was considered father by default, as the other "proved" his sterility. However, the first candidate failed the DNA test.

The Sage commends you on creating this lengthy quest for the young woman. Nothing can compare to developing a reltionship with one's own father, only to find out that this is not so. How much more delighted she will be to discover that the other candidate managed to "prove" that he could not be he, yet must be. The Sage hopes that you have similar names and stories lined up after bachelor number 2, as it sounds like he will not be as willing to contempplat the possibility as bachelor number 1 was. The fact that neither wanted to step up to the plate to have "anything to do with" this young woman likely only serves her determination to force someone's hand. Give her the information she seeks. He can't be any worse than the first one.

Incidentally, the Sage has never heard of anyone requiring a blood test to be mentioned in a will before, and suspects this was merely the ploy he used hoping to get out of having to acknowledge her to his legally recognized family. The Sage wonders whether he indeed used his own DNA for the test, as some tests use samples collected at home and mailed in.

2. Our second Seeker is a law firm intern being harased by individuals from the law firm next door to her own.

The Sage cannot fathom why one should wish not to have their own outer beauty constantly acknowledged by such fine, outstanding men, and wonders how their firm came to be the larger one. Have you perhaps seen their associates in traffic, following rapidly behind out-going ambulances? The first impulse was the correct one. If an employee is being harassed at work, as you are, then it is up to the employer to collect any data and file any suits. Before you do this, however, you must inform the gentlemen that this attention is, indeed unwanted. It falls to the employee to gather data when the employer is remiss in these duties. You will not be perceived as a "little girl" by reporting this, but as a woman standing up for what you know to be your rights.

3. Our third Seeker has received a "friend" request from her octogenarian father, but does not wish him to see the Seeker's actual life.

The Sage wonders why you must so zealously shield your father from your real life. However, the Sage encourages you to use a small device that the internet makes readily affordable - the alter ego. Block your father from your primary Facebook account. Create a second one using an alternate e-mail. Inform your ffather that you use this address there in order to keep the spam e-mails to a minimum. You must block him from the other site, however, for this ploy to work. You might also enlist the help of a few others to maintain the appearance that this is the site you normally use, by posting comments of a G-rated nature every now and then.

4. Our last Seeker is perhaps the most touching in a while. The Seeker is divorced and engage to another divorced individual. However, a "friend" bemoans the fact that the happy coouple fails to argue with suffiecient frequency for the friend's liking.

The Sage implores you to remember that while you did have regular strong arguments with your first husband, you and he are no longer together. Different couples have different communication styles, and certainly the one in which neither one shouts nor demeans the other is in truth the healthiest for both parties involved. Ignore your "friend". Some people like to throw rocks at hornets nests and dislike seeing anyone happier than themselves.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Sage advice for flailing Seekers

This week's Seekers:

1. The Sage recommends that you step into the time machine conveniently parked in the cavern next door and go back to when you were only dating this gorgerous, hairy man. Tell your other self that above all she/you must not have carnal relations with him under any circumstance, as she/you produce a hairy daughter with a unibrow. Return to the present, and if you failed to alter the timeline, take the child at once to the nearest adoption agency, or at least pack up and leave her upbringing to her hairier side of the family.

2. The Sage clearly sees what you do not, that if you proceed with this wedding, every event will be a tit-for-tat affair. "I know you changed the last diaper, but I changed a poopy one, and that counts for three." "Yes, You washed and dried my jeans, but I walked your dog last night." The Sage recommends that you take up with the husband of Seeker #1, should she follow the Sage's recommendations and let her husband keep the little Capuchin. Failing that, you might consider prolonging the engagement until you are certain that this is indeed the man you hope to spend the next 75 long years with.

3. The Sage does not need to provide your answer, as you have already. You say to them, "I'm hurt about [your] lack of concern and would like to be treated by [you] once in a while." You might even add "apparent" before "lack". However, this is the bed you have made and in which you must now poorly lie.

4. The Sage acknowledges that there are those who feel that romantic encounters, particularly initial ones, should include a grand and extravagent display of wealth, whether one has such wealth or not. However, the Sage wonders whether you might be happier with someone who, like you, sees this as a fine way to have that which you normally might be able to afford. Be certain, however, that you tip based on what the price would have been had you been without the coupon.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Mixed bag of Sage

The Sage has but a moment to orate today, as the Mystic Cave needs to be cooled down soon. On to todays Seekers.

1. Our first Seeker works partially from home, where her new, unemployed husband is trying to begin a new business, which keeps him to busy to help with the chores, but not to busy to berate his bride over having not done them. Damage is being done to the home during these conversations.

The Sage recognizes your failings here, and admires you for acknowledging them. Certainly, you must continue to apologize for living the way you have been, even as you repair the damage in your home. Ignore the Lesser Advisors who would surely command you designate an area in your home for your work which is off-limits to your husband, or worse yet, to inform him that if the dishwasher bothers him so much, he is free to empty it himself. Resist those Advisors who would have you leave or toss your husband out. Whom else could he turn to once he is out of items in your home to destroy?

2. The next Seeker overdosed in college with the intention of suicide, and wonders whether the fiance is entitled to know.

The Sage insists that you bring this up at your next romantic encounter. What could possibly be more exciting than the thought of your betrothed retching heer guts out as she breathes her last? While this is a topic he needs to be aware of, lest these thought return perhaps with a new prescription, for instance, timing is everything.

3. Our third Seeker works in a cubicle with a mentally intense position, which her supervisor and other coworkers chat just beyond the cubicle wall. The Sage confesses to strong empathy here, as the Mystic Cave used to be next door, apparently, to Fox News headquarters.

The Sage recommends that you take a direct approach. When the coffee klatch appears on your ... er, cubicle step, ask in a loud voice, "Don't you have any real work to do?" An alternative phrase might be, "Excuse me, but some of us are trying to work!" Should this fail to be effective, and the Sage is convinced that it will not, go for a walk. Check back every few minutes to see if the group has broken up. If, after enough time, they have not, ask if they are nearly finished, so that you may get back to work. You could always go over your supervisor's head, but there is little satisfaction in that. The Sage suspects that your supervisor was promoted internally, rather than having been hired from outside or transferred from another department, and has not yet quite accepted the mantle of leadership.

4. Today's final Seeker has msigivings about a friend visiting, as teh friend berates the Seeker over the occasional use of air conditioning, even though it is ninety degrees outside on most days.
The Sage advises you, when you know your alleged friend is coming for a visit, to shut all the windows and turn off the air, so that the house gets as hot as can be during the day. Make sure pets and plants are somewhere safe first, however. When the friend arrives, sit inside to talk. Bring up the topics of children and elderly who have died because of excessive heat and the inability to turn on an air conditioner to cool their bodies. If the friend continues to insist that 90 degree weather is not a valid reason to cool the house, find a new friend.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Contorted Sage

The Sage has become aware of the difficulty Followers might have with jumping back and forth between teh page of Seekers and the Sage's wisdom. Therefore, brief synopses will henceforth be included with each response. Today's Seekers may be found here.
1.  First is a Seeker with a small child. The woman's longterm boyfriend wants her to have her breasts enlarged. The rest of the details are in the link.

The Sage fails to understand why you didn't take care of this inadequacy on your part years ago. Pity the poor man, who has had to endure sexual relationships with you time and again, all the time knowing that he was forcing himself to make do without Dolly-sized cups. Did you think that he was with you for your winning personality and intelligent mind? Your daughter's self-perception is immaterial, since size tends to be hereditary, and regardless of her education or accomplishments or personality, she will one day also need to have her own body enhanced in order to keep a boyfriend stung along for years. Surely you would not expect that she ever would marry, since that would require a commitment on the part of her beau, even knowing that some day she, too, will wrinkle and sag and get age spots. Besides, this augmentation will help you secure another temporary father figure for your child, when this one tires of you and moves on.

2. Next is a Seeker whose elderly in-laws wish to be included on ever trip, particularly vacation trips, that the couples make. Far-flung siblings of the husband are reticent about assisting with their parents.

The Sage reminds you that, yes, you absolutely are being selfish. Why would you need any time away from household chores, pressures at any outside employment or volunteer responsibilities, and ensuring that your husband's parents are well taken care of? You certainly have not expected your husband to be the primary one looking out for his own parents the times when you have consented to take them with you. It should not matter that your sight-seeing may be limited to whatever an octogenarian might be able to do, since you absolutely must not go to any ruins or caverns or the like which might make it difficult for them to be with you for every step of your journey. The Sage is also aware that as a responsible daughter-in-law, you must be sharing a room in whatever hotels you stay at with your mother-in-law, while your husband bunks with his father, in case they have needs or desires during that night that only a loving child would be able to assist with.

3. Our next Seeker is an individual with a psychiatric disorder which is being well-managed. A new intern uses disagreements between them as an excuse to comment negatively on the Seeker's disorder.

The Sage recommends that when this person makes such a comment, you remind her of the Americans with Disabilities Act, and that constant harassment of someone due to their disabilitity is an actionable item. Document every such occurence, especially who else was present when these comments are made. Should it continue, bring your complaint and documentation to your Director of Human Resources. Neither your nor anyone else in your field will be subjected to this person's condescending attitude in the future should it reach this point.

4. Our final Seeker of the day is a former florist who was asked to make an arrangement for a funeral, which upset most members of the family, including the one who made the initial request.

The Sage commends you on embarassing your entire side of the family, with the exception of your step-mother. You really will need to try harder in the future. When the others call and complain, tell them that you have acheived your goal, and hang up.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Sage branching into newer fields

Today's Seekers come from a new pasture of Seekers and may be found here.

1. The Sage is in full sympathy with your ire toward Andy, James, and Valerie. How dare they assume that because they once were fully autonomous adults, they no longer have to asnswer to you, especially in their relationships with one another. The Sage insists that you go on Facebook, MySpace, the local media, whatever it takes, and fully denouce these backstabbing former compatriots for the turncoats that they are.

2. The Sage realizes that you need to be a light to your weary cohort. Continue to provide as many examples to her of your own good fortune, so that she may continue to aspire to your own success, both professionally and personally. In time, she'll forget her campaign of negativity, and recognize your efforts for what they truly are.

3. The Sage applauds your unique method of battling evil gossip by sharing with the ones gossiped about. However, the Sage notices that you have failed to continue this effort by reporting back to your soon-to-be sister-in-law about the gossip which has been shared about her. With all decorum, you and your new-found friend must each report back to this almost-relative. In this way, all transmission of tales between the three of you should be nipped soundly in the bud.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Oracle's Visions

As the Sage is still on Pilgrimage, the Oracle will answer this week's Seekers, who may be found here.

1. The Pracle says, drinking with the boss never leads to success.
2. The Oracle says, never loan a relative money that you hope to see again.
3. The Oracle says, the best way for someone to put something behind them is to quit turning around to look at it.
4. The Oracle says, not everything which is ask for will be received.
The Sage expects to return next week, fully rested and ready to take on yet another batch of doltish Seekers, to inform them of the best ways not to proceed with their banal lives.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Receding Sage

The Sage barely has time for this week's Seekers, as the Sage prepares to make pilgrimage and to leave the Minions in charge of maintaining order in the Mystic Cave. The Sage sincerely hopes that no harm will come to the Minions from any Seeker unwilling to wait for the Sage's return. This week's Seekers are linked to the headline, above.

1. The Sage recognizes that college students will do many things to finance themselves during those typically lean years. Yes, you should tell this woman, just on the very slight chance that your future progeny with her might one day wish to mate with one of your existing biological offsprings. You might even be the father of her niece or nephew, and never know it. Should she find that this is something she simply cannot bear the idea of, you will be better off without her. However, the Sage does expect to hear from your ladylove soon after this proclamation.

2. The Sage has known a few ethical and competent litigators, but very few who were both. Since this career is still considered a man's profession by many, the Sage understands the that "good old boys" might be at a loss as to what to say to you. Do not accept these back-handed compliments. Stand up with every inch of your five-foot-two frame and lambast them into submission, so that they might see that you indeed are NOT too nice to join their ranks. The Sage is quite certain that you will not continue to hear such remarks much longer.

3. The Sage is of the opinion that both children should immediately be sent off to boarding school, where you and their father will be quite unable to damage these children by showing favoritism to one over the other. In the meantime, however, take the younger child to the mall and force her to watch an entire morning of ear piercings. The Sage doubts that she will wish to return to watch her sister's perforation take place. If she does, the Sage could always use a brave young neophyte.

4. The Sage concurs that your entire family must enter this fracas, and should insist that the date be changed for your own conveniences. Weddings have nothing to do with the bride or her family. If her relations have conflicts with the other dates your sister has in mind, that is their loss. The groom, as your "widdle bwudder", should have all the say in this matter, and needs to begin to whip "Jane" into shape early as to who gets to make all the decisions for the other. Then again, it sounds as if he has already abdicated this role, in permitting his bride-to-be decide who in his family is worthy of coming to her wedding.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Paternally Sage

The Sage acknowledges that occasions such as Mother's Day and especially Father's Day can be very trying for many Seekers. Not all Seekers had adequate parentage, and many had malignant guardians in their minority. Even so, the Sage will attempt to address the concerns of the following Seekers.

1. The Sage assures you to follow your instincts. You absolutely must let this child know, as soon as humanly possible, of his mother's slatternly ways and that his father is not his own. Armed with this knowledge, the child may at once begin to afford each of your the respect which you so solicitously have earned. With luck, you may even be able to secure child support for two unique sources.

2. The Sage is confident that you daughter will understand your coaching her brother and showing only a modicum of interest in her own endeavors. Knowing early on where on stands in regard to the affections of one's own parents can be a positive thing. If nothing else, she may save the costly expense of Father's Day gifts throughout her adulthood.

3. The Sage recognizes the need for meditative contemplations to maintain one's balance and harmony with the universe, even if this introspection includes a gallon of Rocky Road ice cream. However, your nearly-adult progeny are unable to invest in this same opportunity by be required to grace their father's home on such a regular basis. Many teenagers in households including both of the original and immediate progenitors rarely grace said household with their presence over an entire weekend. The Sage recommends that you convene a meeting with them to discuss what you options are and what is fair for each person. Armed with this knowledge, they may then approach their father about whether their presence is genuinely required on such a regular basis. At a minimum, they should be permitted as teenagers to continue about the usual age-appropriate activities, regardless of where they make their bed that night.

4. The Sage suggests that you inform your father that you cannot give a recommendationas to his qualifications as anyone's suitor, given that your own relationship with him necessarily precludes that parameter.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Journalistic Sage

The Sage is understandably dismayed that so many Seekers and their acquaintances have failed to grasp the simple concept that anything in writing, particularly that which is not anonymous, may and probably will eventually be held against the writer. This is the case for at least two individuals known by today's Seekers, who may be found here.

1. The Sage wonders whether the Seeker was up to no good as a teenager. If not, what sort of teenager were you, anyway? If you are female, it is perfectly natural for your mother not have gotten along with you. This is why Romans married off their daughters at age 12, and why wolves, lions, etc. chase away their young shortly after weaning. If you are male, you may have suffered from an Oedipal complex, and should remember that in the wild, some parents eat their young. In either case, the Sage suggests that you dig up your mother's corpse, flail it until it is but dust, and crush her marker so that no one may know where her remains had been. Additionally, take your daughter to the county clerk's office and have her name legally changed, regardless of her age or protestations. Naturally, lesser advisors would perhaps recommend that you accept that she died during a time of great upheaval in your life, and that she may have misunderstood your actions, perhaps filtering them through memories other teens she had known when she was younger. While you do not mention how your mother died, she may have had some mental disturbance which distorted her view of her assuredly perfect progeny.

2. The Sage recognizes that this woman needs to learn how to deal with her feelings toward her husband's shortcoming. You must stress that she is overacting. Should such an action occur in the future, you need to decide upon one of two responses. You may ignore her actions for a time, followed by a concerned, "Are you all right? Are you choking?" to force her to say what she is thinking. Alternately, you may change your top into the most revealing article you have in your possession. The Sage grants you permission to purchase something more revealing than you likely have at present, just to make your point. Neither you nor this man's wife are responsible for his thoughts nor his actions. You alone can impress this upon her enfeebled soul.

3. The Sage insists that you have issued a Cease and Desist order at once, followed by legal proceedings against her on grounds of defamation of character. While blogging may be an entertaining way for many to share their personal diaries - along with many private thoughts and emotions, your former flame needs to consider what may happen with an even less private journal, such as those of the mother of today's first Seeker. Do not lister to the advice of Lesser Advisors, who would have you empower this woman's neuroses concerning you.

4. The Sage agrees that you must protect this woman at all costs. Grovel to her manager and to the manager's supervisors, insisting that she remain with the company, to continue to cost the enterprise money with little return. Offer to permit her to assume your own position, if necessary. After all, her needs should be foremost in your mind, not whether the company is getting a return on its investment or whether your own household must to without in order to support her. The Sage is positive that this inept employee must be the first widow with college-aged children ever to seek employment, and must therefore be justly rewarded for her failed attempt to be productive. Certainly her college-aged children could not be expected to contribute to securing their own education, when this woman is still so able to procure such sympathies in Seekers like yourself. In the unlikely event that your prostrating yourself on her behalf does not achieve the desired results, you absolutely must inform her in advance of her impending doom. Sacrificing your own position and future employability is a small price to pay to give her a few extra days of preparation to secure alternate means to sustain her offsprings' comfortable lives.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

A kinder and gentler Sage.

The Sage is now resettled in the Mystic Cave. The large carnivore which had taken up residence there has evacuated the premises, and all is well on the Astral Plane. Therefore, the Sage is offering kinder and gentler remarks than usual to this week's Seekers.

1. The Sage recommends that you let this go and learn to knock before entering Bill's office. The Sage is certain that most people, while alone in an otherwise empty office, engage in at least some activity which they would prefer others not see, even if the social faux pas is trimming one's toenails.

2. The Sage has ruled out having Jocko and the Wrench going over to consult with your ex. Therefore, your best course would be to sit your son down and tell him that if he has any questions about you or about your former marriage, that he should feel free to ask you at any time. You might add the caveat reminder that all people have the tendency to adjust the truth at times to make themselves look better, but only if you thin he will not take this as an admission that you intend to lie to him. If he continues to act sullen toward you, you must insist that he speak with you. You can tell him, without an admission of having looked into his personal writings, that you believe he is now old enough to hear what happened between his father and yourself. Include both positives and negatives about the relationship, and do not only cover what items about which the father has apparently altered the truth. At some point in his life, your son will most likely decide either to accept what you have told him or to put the entire matter in the past, where it belongs. His feelings that you and his father were forced to marry due to your pregnancy no doubt makes him feel as if he were unwanted, rather than the loved and cherished individual the Sage is certain that he is.

The Lesser Advisor, incidentally is mistaken. It is not inherently wrong for a loving parent to look at the writings of a minor child to determine whether they are still on the straight and narrow path. It would be wrong for a parent believing their child is having problems which they are not mature enough to handle not to use any resource at the parent's disposal to help the child. Directly attacking the father's credibility will only cause the child to defend the father and will further damage the parent's relationship with the child.

3. The Sage insists that you let these material items go. You have lost a book and a friend. They have lost a child and all of the future that they had envisioned for for this child. Buy a new book and enjoy the memories and mementoes of your friend which are currently in your possession.

4. The Sage suggests that your husband ask these well-meaning strangers why they ask as to his veteran status. If they callously mention his missing limb, he can inform them that the injury and his military service had nothing to with one another, or he can simply shake his head and walk away. If they say they merely wish to thank him for his service, he can answer, "You're welcome."

The Sage's Cardinal Minion served in the military and is disabled. He has been informed by many well-meaning people when he parks in a handicapped parking space that he can get a "disabled veteran" plate. However, like with your husband, this is incorrect; the disability for these plates must be service related, and the Cardinal Minion's disability is not.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Summer Sage

As it finally has now exceeded 90° F outside the Mystic Cave, the Sage welcomes the longest season of the year, summer. It is anticipated that this season should end sometime in September or October or possibly November; being replaced by a few weeks each of autumn, winter, and spring.

This week's Seekers are located here.

1. The Sage commends you on recognizing the correct path, that of encouraging your mother's poor decisions and of endangering the security and peacefulness of your own home. You must inform your husband that you will be staying at your mother's home for the entire time that your mother is gone, plus a few days before and a few days after her trip, in order to make the transition for this destructive child much easier. After all, should your mother become disabled or deceased, you will need to know how to be the fulltime caregiver for the child and possibly for your mother.

2. The Sage recognizes that your overpowering love for this young man who you scarcely know must be paramount in your decisions. Insist that he withdraw from school immediately, so that you may begin to llive your fantasy with him. Being the older and surely wiser member of this yet-to-be coupling, you must not risk your own employment situation, but must begin preparations to support him as a future stay-at-home father to your many children. Do not let him deny his love for you, as it surely must be.

3. The Sage concurs with the concept of living eachday as though it may be your last. Regrettably, this is more true for you than for most. Rather than dwelling upon your eventual demise - which happens to all at some point - concentrate on making the best memories for your children that you can. This does not mean taking them from school and making a whirlwind tour of every amusement park in the country, but rather trying to convey to them in however much time you may have your values and your love for them. While the average expectancy may be only five years, your own timeline may be considerably longer, or possibly even a bit shorter. Remind yourself that every day that you can function well is a gift, and live it to its fullest.

4. The Sage suggest that you lie. You suddenly have developed a condition in your back forbidding you to lift something of the weight of these bottles. Inform the ladies that a more athletic one of them must now assume this responsibility. Lesser Advisors would recommend that you discuss this with management and encourage them to get the sort of water coolers which do not require one to heft large jugs.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Sage Employment

Today' Seekers may be for here. All appear to have something to do with work situations, or in the case of the ex-spouse of the first Seeker, finding something to do with years of experience stamping out license plates.

1. The Sage would have you tread on the side of caution regarding protection of your children. However, unless and until the boy's father, whom you chose to mate with, gives up his rights to his son or has them removed by court order, you must permit visitation. The Sage recommends that you first consult an attorney to ensure that this man is still legally permitted to be around young boys. Assuming he is - that his crime was of a non-violent nature such as public urination, insist on supervised visitation only. Have your current husband and another male, preferably a blood relative of your son, remain in your home while you take your daughter elsewhere. When the visit is over, return home and debrief your husband. No, not THAT type of debriefing; find out what happened during your absence. The Sage suspects that the glitter will wear quickly off of seeing his son and being asked about support, without the ex being able to have the boy alone or to have you there to start an argument with. Ask the attorney how long the ex must go without contact or support payments for you to petition the court to terminate his rights for abandonment, unless he is willing to do so without a protracted fight.

Incidentally, if step-parent becomes a possibility, ask the boy before having the step-father adopt him. Some children have different worries than the adults expct which should be addresssed, and others simply do not wish to be adopted at all. Make sure your husband knows that if your marriage ends, he will be responsible for support, but probably denied visitation. That was the case at least for the men whom the Sage has met who had adopted step-children and subsequently divorced the mother.

2. The Sage recommend that you lay it on the line with these recruiters and with any potential employers or contacts who make the same inquiry. Remind them that millions of people are without gainful employment, and that you highly resent any implication that you have been lax in your attempts to alter your situation. Do not fail to ask as to whether their own positions might be available soon. Be certain to whine about difficulties you may have had which are beyond that which you perceive most unemployed individuals have endured. These tips should avoid the danger of competing with the many other under- or unemployed Seekers you may encounter.

3. The Sage believes in the axiom, "The more, the merrier." You most definitely should interfere with your mother-in-law's attack upon your alma mater. Decisively defend your mother and your uncle, and any other friends or family who happen to be involved in this in-bred, er ... well-bred institution of learning. Eventually, the fall-out should include your in-laws, your family of origin, and countless ... well, several others involved in some capacity with this school. At some point, your school should make the news, perhaps even the national news, so that millions of others may also know of your ire at your mother-in-law's over-zealous defense of her child. This near-adult (the graduate) should not be molly-coddled in the least, nor should her classmates. The enormous embarassment resulting from the character assassination of her peers and public ridicule of her educational background is minimal compared to ensuring that you are correct, even if it means that your family must begin a new school for your own daughter someday to attend.

4. The Sage is aware of the many varied things which can go on behind a closed door, and the greater variety of things which may be imagined by those with less than pure minds. Since the woman has been laid off, she probably has no standing at the conference other than as a hopeful passing out resumes and generally annoying the company representatives who will be attending to promote their companies. Doubtless they would not want to be pestered by well-qualified and interested candidates for any positions available within their businesses. Stand your ground and insist that this woman stay home, or failing that, find the means to pay for her own room. The Sage has been informed that many young and adventurous women find many forms of temporary employment and temporary quarters during conventions, especially from middle-aged men whose wives are not in attendance. In addition, demand that you be permitted to accompany this man to the conference. Keep abreast of him every moment, eyeing each woman or metro-sexual male with suspicion. Question him endlessly as to the motivation behind each glance and each word spoken by him or toward him. In this way, you can be positive that you never again need to concern yourself as to his faithfulness to you.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Graduated Sage

1. The Sage disagrees with your assessment that this is none of your affair. How dare this slacker colleague force you to overwork in order to get his jollies on the clock! Next time you speak with him, inform him that he must perform his share of the duties at the office. Tell him that if he is unable to adjust his social calendar to keep his personal affairs off of company time, then he must remain at the office longer each day to make up for his lassitude. ASsure him that he needn't worry about his young family, as you have just the person in mind to fulfill his conjugal duties at his home.

2. The Sage recognizes that, naturally, work is all about feelings. Take the woman to lunch, Cry literally on her shoulder at how hurt you felt by her audacious attempt at undermining your worth as a person in suggesting an improvement which had not sprouted directly from your own extensive year of experience. Make certain that your boss in the other state and others about your local office learn of this, as well, so that everyone is forced to remmeber that your feelings are tantamount in the office, and that everyone should tread light so as not to damage them in any way. This will ensure that no one in that office is ever tempted again to enact such a despicable scheme.

3. The Sage will ask but one question: Is it a deal-breaker? If it is, move on. If you can easily envision yourself living this way for the next 60 years or so, go through with the wedding.

The Sage will ask a second question, but of the Lesser Advisor. Why is a man's sexual orientation always called into question when his urges are less strong than that of his mate? Perhaps she smells and he is unable to figure out how to tell her without hurting her feelings. Or perhaps he simply isn't as interested in sex as she is. That does not necessarily equate to his pining for a young man to be in her stead.
4. The Sage recommends that you handle these rude remarks with a succinct, "In that case, feel free not to attend." If anyone implies an expense which they seem to expect your mother to cover, remind them that you did not send them an invitation, because you cannot in good faith expect your mother to cover such expenses. The Sage is at a loss as to why anyone who has only shown you meanness and criticism would be in the least interested in flying across the country for your graduation. You probably could have announced early on that you were only given so many tickets for the event, but it is probably too late for that now.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Sage is Sage, but Laurel is a Twig.

Yesterday, the Sage was assailed by a snippet of that lesser Advisor known for her doctorate in physiology. A young, female Seeker was concerned that perhaps her feelings regarding a childhood molestation had been trivialized by her parents. When the "doctor" pressed for details, the Seeker mentioned that her father had "attacked" the near-adult cousin who had perpetrated the act. "Dr" L answered that "that was acknowledgement enough." When the Seeker mentioned lesser incidents during her adolescence, the "good doctor" told the Seeker that since she had been "getting off" on this attention, she needed to deal with her own "guilt" and leave her parents out of it.

The Sage is incensed. Even if the parents reacted strongly when first hearing of this incident, there is no evidence that they did not subsequently sweep it under the rug. The parents failed to protect their child by preventing further contact with this child molestor as she matured. Even if a child "gets off" on being molested or otherwise inappropriately misused by an adult, they cannot be held at fault. It is the duty of the adult NOT to harm the child, and that of her parents and other caring adults who know that an evil person has harmed her to keep her away from this vile soul.

People like this "doctor" give power to abusers, molestors, and rapists by making the violation the responsibility of the victim. She is an accessory in harming this youth, and the Sage strongly detests those who harm the young or others who are vulnerable.

Sage advice to this young Seeker, should she happen upon the Mystic Cave:

By all means you must speak with your parents. Tell them that you feel they devalued you and cared more about the feelings of your relatives than about their own child's safety and well-being. If you are fortunate, they will acknowleedge their wrong-doing and help you work through this now. If they continue to insist that you "make nice" with your contemptable cousin and the other common relations, then you need to disavow yourself of the family you were born with, and find a group of loving friends to be the new family of your own making.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

A Bouquet of Sage

The Sage understands that this Sunday is the day that all the sons and daughters who have ignored their mothers for no particular reason feel obliged to e-mail them or perhaps send them a mass-produced card. People who have had good reasons to ignore their mothers will feel compelled to contact them, in spite of the damage it might do to their own psyches. And people who have tried to maintain good relations with their mothers will continue to do teh same this Sunday, regardless of the date of the calendar.

Some of these various people are this week's Seekers, who may be found here.

1. The Sage certainly supports your feelings. How dare your mother have a failing prior to your birth! She should have been aware that you'd eventually been born and eventually find out. What did it matter whether her options might have been posing for these, selling drugs, or starving? She should at least have posted these pictures around your nursery, so it wouldn't have been such as shock now that you are older. However, the Sage suggests that you gently tell your mother how conflicted you are feeling about this. Together, you can work through those negative feelings. Holding this in will only harm you.

2. The Sage can't understand why anyone could possibly have been born to do anything more than remain tied to their mothers' apron strings their whole life, and to live as a serf under their patronage until inheriting whatever pittance they have saved for you. Unbelievably, your mother seems to be some sort of rare aberration who feels that her child(ren) should be independent adults. She actually expects you to put your own needs first, while somehow still caring for her and helping where you can. The Sage is at a loss as to handle such deviants, other than to honor their true wishes for building your best possible future.

3. The Sage finds your mother to be more the sort expected of most Seekers, rather than the loving, caring parents demonstrated above. This is an unreasonable demand being placed upon you, your sister, and the friend's daughter. Look into helping her apply for SSI or whatever welfare is available in your mother's state, such as foodstamps. The Sage accepts that your mother should not be the burden of the state, but if your permit her to drain you financially, you may be in need of such assistance yourself soon. If your mother was married to your father at his death, or for at least 10 years before the marriage ended, she may be entitled to some Social Security Survivors Benefits, which you father did earn.

4. The Sage agrees that people should be kind to others (despite the Sage's typical advice), but strongly disagrees that there is something inherently wrong with being popular. The Sage envisions that you were one of the "dorky girls" as a youth. Explain to the girls that even if the girls did not want to be their friend for some reason, she is still deserving of respect as a human being, and that you cannot accept their taunting behavior, even if it is not directly in front of this girl. Such things have a way of getting around until they get back to the target of such derision.

Monday, May 3, 2010

Spring Sage (kerchoo!)

Greetings, Seekers. The Sage apologizes for having been away from the Mystic Cave. The Seekers of last week, who may be found here positively flooded the Mystic Cave. The Sage was able to dash off a quick response during the evacuation, which may be found here In addition, the bear inhabiting the Mystic Cave of late is fully out of hibernation, and its cubs have grown both large and curious.

The Sage will now address the short-answer Seekers found here.

To the Seeker with the bare housemate: By all means create a scene. This is your home, and you have the right to determine who does what in it. Assert your rights, and demand that all your housemates conform to your sensibilities or that they all find another place to live this summer. After all, it would be better to room with 5 unknowns than to be the one fly in the ointment opposing this man's nudity.

To the Seeker with the nephew eager to bathe his cousins: Keep your children away from this boy. If you must be around him, insist that your children remain in your sight at all times. Better that you offend your family than you permit him to misuse your offspring. Share your concerns with the child's parents. This may well be a symptom of the boy himself having been sexualized, and your concerns may help them help him.

To the uninvited friend: You don't. It's not.

To the blushing bride: The Sage fails to comprehend why more people don't engage in annual renewal of vows, complete with gift registries. Certainly no one outside of invited guests to your wedding would welcome an announcement - as opposed to an invitation - or consider sending a gift without attending a formal ball, complete with 7-course dinner.

What? Another wedding question? And a non-invitation question at that! Spring fever must be in the air. As mentioned above, surely you would never consider sending your two friends a small wedding present with a congratulatory card. Obviously, that could only be taken for the insult which it must surely be.

The Sage doubts you could alienate any couple who manage international travel, yet fail to find funds to schedule a visit to the grandmother of their children, and who then extend such a warm welcome as to graciously permit you one full day with your grandchildren. Perhaps they were in need of a sitter that day? The Sage recommends that you let them know that you hope for a longer visit, considering the not-inconsiderable expense involved, and suggest that if that isn't workable for them, that the four of them come to visit you.

To the Seeker with the neurological condition: The Sage believes that the best way is to find a way to work this into casual conversation. For instance, before the two of you go out for a climb to the Mystic Cave, state that you must remember to take your medication before you leave. This opens the conversation for him to ask or for you to volunteer for what reason this medication is needed.

Skipping the chitchat to the Seeker of employment: Inform your friend that you didn't want to waste the time of the Human Resourrces personnel to interview you a position for which you felt unqualified or merely disinterested. The friend may have been trying to help you get your foot in the door of what is perceived as a good company, so don't bristle too strongly.

The Sage sees no reason not to ask how George is faring, if you've been on any sort of speaking relationship. He may be away on a trip, deployed, or hospitalized; and your concern may be appreciated. Be aware, however, that your kind thoughts may be taken as an excuse to debrief you on what "that louse" has done of late.

To the Seeker from Providence: Providence has brought you to the Sage, who recommends that you wear a paper bag over your head at all such events in the future.

The Sage has never condoned compromise, in which for instance you might get your small wedding and he his formal one. Put your foot down and tell him it's your way or the highway.

The Sage sees many options for a college student lacking direction. At the bottom of the list is forcing the student to continue studies which she has no interest in taking. The parents might require their adult child support herself for the year, or require that she do volunteer work in order to continue to enjoy their support, or perhaps work with the young woman to help her decide what would attract her attention. Poor interest reflects in poor grades, and forcing a student to attend often results in a dropout with no intention ever to return to school to complete a degree. Also consider having her take career guidance exams, to see if perhaps she'd have more interest in a different field of study.

The Sage must now return to the Lean-To. A strong breeze is coming up, and the Minions need direction on how best to shore up the temporary quarters.