Thursday, July 29, 2010

Sage advice for flailing Seekers

This week's Seekers:

1. The Sage recommends that you step into the time machine conveniently parked in the cavern next door and go back to when you were only dating this gorgerous, hairy man. Tell your other self that above all she/you must not have carnal relations with him under any circumstance, as she/you produce a hairy daughter with a unibrow. Return to the present, and if you failed to alter the timeline, take the child at once to the nearest adoption agency, or at least pack up and leave her upbringing to her hairier side of the family.

2. The Sage clearly sees what you do not, that if you proceed with this wedding, every event will be a tit-for-tat affair. "I know you changed the last diaper, but I changed a poopy one, and that counts for three." "Yes, You washed and dried my jeans, but I walked your dog last night." The Sage recommends that you take up with the husband of Seeker #1, should she follow the Sage's recommendations and let her husband keep the little Capuchin. Failing that, you might consider prolonging the engagement until you are certain that this is indeed the man you hope to spend the next 75 long years with.

3. The Sage does not need to provide your answer, as you have already. You say to them, "I'm hurt about [your] lack of concern and would like to be treated by [you] once in a while." You might even add "apparent" before "lack". However, this is the bed you have made and in which you must now poorly lie.

4. The Sage acknowledges that there are those who feel that romantic encounters, particularly initial ones, should include a grand and extravagent display of wealth, whether one has such wealth or not. However, the Sage wonders whether you might be happier with someone who, like you, sees this as a fine way to have that which you normally might be able to afford. Be certain, however, that you tip based on what the price would have been had you been without the coupon.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Mixed bag of Sage

The Sage has but a moment to orate today, as the Mystic Cave needs to be cooled down soon. On to todays Seekers.

1. Our first Seeker works partially from home, where her new, unemployed husband is trying to begin a new business, which keeps him to busy to help with the chores, but not to busy to berate his bride over having not done them. Damage is being done to the home during these conversations.

The Sage recognizes your failings here, and admires you for acknowledging them. Certainly, you must continue to apologize for living the way you have been, even as you repair the damage in your home. Ignore the Lesser Advisors who would surely command you designate an area in your home for your work which is off-limits to your husband, or worse yet, to inform him that if the dishwasher bothers him so much, he is free to empty it himself. Resist those Advisors who would have you leave or toss your husband out. Whom else could he turn to once he is out of items in your home to destroy?

2. The next Seeker overdosed in college with the intention of suicide, and wonders whether the fiance is entitled to know.

The Sage insists that you bring this up at your next romantic encounter. What could possibly be more exciting than the thought of your betrothed retching heer guts out as she breathes her last? While this is a topic he needs to be aware of, lest these thought return perhaps with a new prescription, for instance, timing is everything.

3. Our third Seeker works in a cubicle with a mentally intense position, which her supervisor and other coworkers chat just beyond the cubicle wall. The Sage confesses to strong empathy here, as the Mystic Cave used to be next door, apparently, to Fox News headquarters.

The Sage recommends that you take a direct approach. When the coffee klatch appears on your ... er, cubicle step, ask in a loud voice, "Don't you have any real work to do?" An alternative phrase might be, "Excuse me, but some of us are trying to work!" Should this fail to be effective, and the Sage is convinced that it will not, go for a walk. Check back every few minutes to see if the group has broken up. If, after enough time, they have not, ask if they are nearly finished, so that you may get back to work. You could always go over your supervisor's head, but there is little satisfaction in that. The Sage suspects that your supervisor was promoted internally, rather than having been hired from outside or transferred from another department, and has not yet quite accepted the mantle of leadership.

4. Today's final Seeker has msigivings about a friend visiting, as teh friend berates the Seeker over the occasional use of air conditioning, even though it is ninety degrees outside on most days.
The Sage advises you, when you know your alleged friend is coming for a visit, to shut all the windows and turn off the air, so that the house gets as hot as can be during the day. Make sure pets and plants are somewhere safe first, however. When the friend arrives, sit inside to talk. Bring up the topics of children and elderly who have died because of excessive heat and the inability to turn on an air conditioner to cool their bodies. If the friend continues to insist that 90 degree weather is not a valid reason to cool the house, find a new friend.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Contorted Sage

The Sage has become aware of the difficulty Followers might have with jumping back and forth between teh page of Seekers and the Sage's wisdom. Therefore, brief synopses will henceforth be included with each response. Today's Seekers may be found here.
1.  First is a Seeker with a small child. The woman's longterm boyfriend wants her to have her breasts enlarged. The rest of the details are in the link.

The Sage fails to understand why you didn't take care of this inadequacy on your part years ago. Pity the poor man, who has had to endure sexual relationships with you time and again, all the time knowing that he was forcing himself to make do without Dolly-sized cups. Did you think that he was with you for your winning personality and intelligent mind? Your daughter's self-perception is immaterial, since size tends to be hereditary, and regardless of her education or accomplishments or personality, she will one day also need to have her own body enhanced in order to keep a boyfriend stung along for years. Surely you would not expect that she ever would marry, since that would require a commitment on the part of her beau, even knowing that some day she, too, will wrinkle and sag and get age spots. Besides, this augmentation will help you secure another temporary father figure for your child, when this one tires of you and moves on.

2. Next is a Seeker whose elderly in-laws wish to be included on ever trip, particularly vacation trips, that the couples make. Far-flung siblings of the husband are reticent about assisting with their parents.

The Sage reminds you that, yes, you absolutely are being selfish. Why would you need any time away from household chores, pressures at any outside employment or volunteer responsibilities, and ensuring that your husband's parents are well taken care of? You certainly have not expected your husband to be the primary one looking out for his own parents the times when you have consented to take them with you. It should not matter that your sight-seeing may be limited to whatever an octogenarian might be able to do, since you absolutely must not go to any ruins or caverns or the like which might make it difficult for them to be with you for every step of your journey. The Sage is also aware that as a responsible daughter-in-law, you must be sharing a room in whatever hotels you stay at with your mother-in-law, while your husband bunks with his father, in case they have needs or desires during that night that only a loving child would be able to assist with.

3. Our next Seeker is an individual with a psychiatric disorder which is being well-managed. A new intern uses disagreements between them as an excuse to comment negatively on the Seeker's disorder.

The Sage recommends that when this person makes such a comment, you remind her of the Americans with Disabilities Act, and that constant harassment of someone due to their disabilitity is an actionable item. Document every such occurence, especially who else was present when these comments are made. Should it continue, bring your complaint and documentation to your Director of Human Resources. Neither your nor anyone else in your field will be subjected to this person's condescending attitude in the future should it reach this point.

4. Our final Seeker of the day is a former florist who was asked to make an arrangement for a funeral, which upset most members of the family, including the one who made the initial request.

The Sage commends you on embarassing your entire side of the family, with the exception of your step-mother. You really will need to try harder in the future. When the others call and complain, tell them that you have acheived your goal, and hang up.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Sage branching into newer fields

Today's Seekers come from a new pasture of Seekers and may be found here.

1. The Sage is in full sympathy with your ire toward Andy, James, and Valerie. How dare they assume that because they once were fully autonomous adults, they no longer have to asnswer to you, especially in their relationships with one another. The Sage insists that you go on Facebook, MySpace, the local media, whatever it takes, and fully denouce these backstabbing former compatriots for the turncoats that they are.

2. The Sage realizes that you need to be a light to your weary cohort. Continue to provide as many examples to her of your own good fortune, so that she may continue to aspire to your own success, both professionally and personally. In time, she'll forget her campaign of negativity, and recognize your efforts for what they truly are.

3. The Sage applauds your unique method of battling evil gossip by sharing with the ones gossiped about. However, the Sage notices that you have failed to continue this effort by reporting back to your soon-to-be sister-in-law about the gossip which has been shared about her. With all decorum, you and your new-found friend must each report back to this almost-relative. In this way, all transmission of tales between the three of you should be nipped soundly in the bud.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

The Oracle's Visions

As the Sage is still on Pilgrimage, the Oracle will answer this week's Seekers, who may be found here.

1. The Pracle says, drinking with the boss never leads to success.
2. The Oracle says, never loan a relative money that you hope to see again.
3. The Oracle says, the best way for someone to put something behind them is to quit turning around to look at it.
4. The Oracle says, not everything which is ask for will be received.
The Sage expects to return next week, fully rested and ready to take on yet another batch of doltish Seekers, to inform them of the best ways not to proceed with their banal lives.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Receding Sage

The Sage barely has time for this week's Seekers, as the Sage prepares to make pilgrimage and to leave the Minions in charge of maintaining order in the Mystic Cave. The Sage sincerely hopes that no harm will come to the Minions from any Seeker unwilling to wait for the Sage's return. This week's Seekers are linked to the headline, above.

1. The Sage recognizes that college students will do many things to finance themselves during those typically lean years. Yes, you should tell this woman, just on the very slight chance that your future progeny with her might one day wish to mate with one of your existing biological offsprings. You might even be the father of her niece or nephew, and never know it. Should she find that this is something she simply cannot bear the idea of, you will be better off without her. However, the Sage does expect to hear from your ladylove soon after this proclamation.

2. The Sage has known a few ethical and competent litigators, but very few who were both. Since this career is still considered a man's profession by many, the Sage understands the that "good old boys" might be at a loss as to what to say to you. Do not accept these back-handed compliments. Stand up with every inch of your five-foot-two frame and lambast them into submission, so that they might see that you indeed are NOT too nice to join their ranks. The Sage is quite certain that you will not continue to hear such remarks much longer.

3. The Sage is of the opinion that both children should immediately be sent off to boarding school, where you and their father will be quite unable to damage these children by showing favoritism to one over the other. In the meantime, however, take the younger child to the mall and force her to watch an entire morning of ear piercings. The Sage doubts that she will wish to return to watch her sister's perforation take place. If she does, the Sage could always use a brave young neophyte.

4. The Sage concurs that your entire family must enter this fracas, and should insist that the date be changed for your own conveniences. Weddings have nothing to do with the bride or her family. If her relations have conflicts with the other dates your sister has in mind, that is their loss. The groom, as your "widdle bwudder", should have all the say in this matter, and needs to begin to whip "Jane" into shape early as to who gets to make all the decisions for the other. Then again, it sounds as if he has already abdicated this role, in permitting his bride-to-be decide who in his family is worthy of coming to her wedding.