Friday, November 27, 2009

Stuffed Sage

The Sage's parchment containing this week's admonitions was misplaced amongst all the hubbub. However, what was lost has been found. Please refer to this week's Seekers at .

1. The Sage embraces others' pursuit of a Higher Being. That said, you have the right to your own opinions. Will your boyfriend use religion to control your actions in other ways later in life, such as, "God told me that women should be seen and not heard"? The Sage is certain, however, that your love can overcome whatever barriers this man is placing before you, and that you will grow accustomed to his making edicts which to which you must adhere. When he reallizes that you are too free with your sexuality for him to marry, and he marries the first new woman at his church that he meets, you will be off the hook anyway.

2. The Sage recognizes that most people cannot control what involuntary noises emit from their bodies. By all means, start a campaign to let this woman know how annoying her snorting laugh is. She will then become so self-conscious that she is unlikely to laugh casually again, at least in the presence of her coworkers.

3. The Sage encourages you to lie on your father's behalf, provided that you are willing to support him when he becomes terminally unemployable over this ruse. Employers have not been permitted to "bad mouth" employees for years now, over concerns about legal proceedings concerning slander. However, feel free to go against your own moral code if you feel it will make your father love you.

4. The Sage is aware of the many layers of assistance most situations have before involving the law. Apartments generally have landlords, managers, or superintendents. Unless the brawlers are one of these people, consider turning there first. If you make a recording and enhance it with additional sound affects from whatever horror movie is on television that night, your problem should be resolved permanently.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Sage with Turkey

Here are today's Seekers:

1. The Sage applauds your independence, and recommends that you find another Smith or perhaps a homeless Jones to fill in your spot for the in-law's picture. When your fiance discovers how much more pleasant it is to deal with someone who knows how to get along with his family, the issue of appearing in this picture should never trouble you again.

2. No.

Oh, you wanted a Sagely response. The Sage suggests that, by all means, you should encourage this hobby. Perhaps you could organize a Brownie troop, and he could take pictures of each of them in their unmentionable twice a year until they are adults, so that he can modify these pictures just to see what they might look like nude. Be sure to encourage him to offer his services asa babysitter for these girls whenever you are otherwise occupied for the evening. The Sage is convinced he would soon become the talk of the town.

3. The Sage fails to understand why it might be unacceptable to approach someone through a dating site in which he has voluntarily enrolled. At worst, he can tell you he isn't interested or simply ignore you. At best, it saves him that awkward moment of explaining to you that he has terminal cancer. The Sage does wish you to consider your motivations in pursuing this relationship, to ensure that you are not simply misplacing your compassion beyond the environs of your office.

4. The Sage assumes that you already have met this uncle and are not merely over-reacting to descriptions your boyfriend has given you of him. The Sage commends your hospitality and urges you to send your friends Guido and Tiny to meet with this uncle, at least to have them greet the guests entering your home to give them each a proper frisking. The uncle may need to be given an offer he can't refuse to leave his peace-maker at home. Perhaps you know a uniformed officer who could use a good meal on Thanksgiving Day, just before or just after his (not her) shift.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sagely consternation

Today, the Sage address not a Seeker, but the Seeker's wife. Here is the link.

Madame, the Sage applauds your feelings against smoking. The Mystic Cave has a strict no-smoking policy, and the Minions have instructions to escort any Seeker reeking of smoke (of any variety) to the waterfall to shower before approcahing the Sage. However, the Sage did not seek out these souls. The Sage has made no vows to these souls. The Sage, in fact, could go through life entire without ever knowing these souls existed.

You, however, have committed a gross violation of your marriage vows. Even if you wed with the local Justice of the Peace, you promised to be a helpmate to this man, throughout both your lives, for better or worse, until one of you dies or you get a divorce. At the rate you are going, the latter is becoming highly probable.

This man loves you and is trying to honor his marriage vows. However, you have changed the rules, arbitrarily and without any change on his own part. Unless this man did NOT smoke before you wed or claimed to be a non-smoker and only told the truth after the wedding, the only thing that has changed is you. It doesn't matter if his doctor has told him to quit smoking or die next week; this is his choice to make.

Certainly you should have input on this decision, and you are certainly within your rights to do everything reasonable to help him stop smoking. However, it is his body. You may forbid him to smoke in your presence, in the house, or in the car; although, the Sage believes he would agree that if you are not present, it is his house and car, also. He does not indicate that his smoking is cutting your own life drastically short, so that he is intentionally harming you, either.

The Sage agrees with a simple axiom: The only person you can change is yourself. Using conjugal rights as a reward for your husband's compliance with your wishes is simply WRONG. If you really wish him to stop, explain to him why you want him to stop, offer to help in any way to make it easier for him to stop, and offer to change a habit of your own  that he finds unacceptable.

You know you have your own bad habits, and probably several. Your husband married and loves you in spite of these habits. Your actions may be intended to show him that you love him, but are in fact counterproductive. You are adding stress to his life, which in turn makes him desire cigarettes even more.

The fact that you have managed to withhold sex for an entire year indicates to the Sage one of three things: You have another lover; you don't care for sex (at least with your husband); or you have a stubborn streak the likes of which few have seen. Once your husband realizes this, he may decide that, despite his love for you, he is better off alone.

Once he is alone, he'll probably be ready to stop smoking, but he'll also be unlikely to take you back.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Sunrise Sage

Today's Seekers may be found here.

1. The Sage is confused, having never met anyone too unattractive to flirt nor too unattractive to be flirted with. Perhaps your understanding of the purpose of flirting is skewed. The Sage sees two alternatives for you. You can begin flirting with members of whatever gender you are attracted to, regardless of how attractive or unattractive the flirtee is, and just have fun doing it. Alternately, resign yourself to the concept that you simply aren't worthy. The Sage has seen many objectively unattractive individuals in deep relationships. Fortunately for their partners, these individuals didn't worry about how they appeared to others, and just went with the flow. However, convents, monasteries, and the like can always use a new novice. Have you considered a position as a Minion in a Mystic Cave?

2. The Sage see no problem here, either. Explain to your in-laws that you wish to host the event this year, your way, or accept that the rest of your life will be spent having Thanksgiving dinner where children are unwelcome and leftovers are unavailable.

[Note to Novices: Where are you finding these flailing Seekers who have no Questions of Import? Have you been trying to sell the Sage's autograph again?]

3. Thank you, Minions, this is more like it. The Sage recommends that you approach your employer with a question. Ask if he would like to have a share of the finder's fee for turning in the perpetrator of insurance fraud whom you have discovered. When he inquires further, explain that it is his office manager who is perpetrating this fraud. This will give him opportunity to explain to her the error of her ways, find a new office manager and perhaps a new wife, and make restitution on his own. If he fails to do this and you likewise fail to report this to someone, then all with this knowledge are considered co-conspirators. Unless you would enjoy having the office manager as your cellmate, you need to act at once. Be sure to document this conversation and your evidence, as you may be told something is being done and then be accused of being the thief yourself.

4. At last, a trule Sage-worthy dilemma. The Sage insists that you make the most of any communication you have with this man. When he shows the least proclivity to communicate with you, as he did in this instance, immediately turn off all media, lock out any children or pets, and close the blinds so that he may give you his undivided attention. Carefully watch his eyes as you speak. If his eyes begin to wander or he begins to squirm, reassert that this is your time and that he must pay heed. Be as insistent as the Sage's computer, which just demanded that it be rebooted, and only appeared to offer an option as to when. Finally, when you have nothing else to add, you may permit him to resume his previous activities. He may, at this point, wish to communicate to you, now that his role as receptor has been exhausted. Indulge him if you wish, but never forget that communication in your marriage is all about what you have to say.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

A Pinch of Sage

Today's Seekers appear to be a rather youthful lot who are greatly in need of the Sage's great wisdom.

1. The Sage believes that the vibrator is certainly a safer alternative to most partners one is like to find. Ignore what You-Know-Who said; she fears that her own child might bring up this subject and is projecting this fear onto you. The Sage sees some real advantages to discussing this with your mother. Instead of the cheap model with flash around the edges, perhaps your mother would be willing to invest in the deluxe model for you. After all, Christmas is coming. As a nurse, perhaps she will even help you maintain the machine, to ensure it remains sanitary. Above all, her relief that your partner is merely of the mechanical sort might mean she would be willing to extend your curfew.

2. The Sage recommends that you insist on determining this man's fertility immediately. In fact, the Sage is aghast that this was not part of the 83-part questionaire you had him complete before going out with him. Be certain to have him get a complete physical, including genetic testing, along with a complete background check and a financial analysis. Anything less would be tantamount to agreeing to live in poverty with a man who had a vascectomy in prison, and who is supporting his genetically deficient children left over from a previous failed marriage.

3. The Sage encourages you to force your father's hand immediately. Go at once to his home, and explain to your younger half-brother how to set up the various booby traps you once employed, so that he might follow in your footsteps. This act of love toward your sibling should certainly endear you further to your father. Insist to your father that the entire family - there may be additional siblings - simply must be at your wedding in order for you to maintain your facade as a well-balanced person in front of your new in-laws. Don't forget to sit your father and his family next to your mother at the reception, as well.

4. The Sage is confused as to why someone as trustworthy and efficient as yourself has not yet been given the key to the executive washroom. You must remedy this situation as best you can. The instant the workman enters the restroom, bang on the door and remind him to lower the seat when he is finished. Wait at the door and inspect the room when he exits. You can acquire a "grabber" at a medical supply store, so that the seat may be lowered (loudly, of course) if he is remiss in this duty. Then use the grabber to pick up his socks and deposit them with a flourish upon his desk. Announce in a loud yet clear voice that he obvious has forgotten to reclaim his hosery. Inform him that if the socks are no longer needed, there is a disposal bin handy for the purpose of removing unwanted articles.