Stuffed Sage

The Sage's parchment containing this week's admonitions was misplaced amongst all the hubbub. However, what was lost has been found. Please refer to this week's Seekers at http://www.slate.com/id/2236537/ .

1. The Sage embraces others' pursuit of a Higher Being. That said, you have the right to your own opinions. Will your boyfriend use religion to control your actions in other ways later in life, such as, "God told me that women should be seen and not heard"? The Sage is certain, however, that your love can overcome whatever barriers this man is placing before you, and that you will grow accustomed to his making edicts which to which you must adhere. When he reallizes that you are too free with your sexuality for him to marry, and he marries the first new woman at his church that he meets, you will be off the hook anyway.


2. The Sage recognizes that most people cannot control what involuntary noises emit from their bodies. By all means, start a campaign to let this woman know how annoying her snorting laugh is. She will then become so self-conscious that she is unlikely to laugh casually again, at least in the presence of her coworkers.

3. The Sage encourages you to lie on your father's behalf, provided that you are willing to support him when he becomes terminally unemployable over this ruse. Employers have not been permitted to "bad mouth" employees for years now, over concerns about legal proceedings concerning slander. However, feel free to go against your own moral code if you feel it will make your father love you.

4. The Sage is aware of the many layers of assistance most situations have before involving the law. Apartments generally have landlords, managers, or superintendents. Unless the brawlers are one of these people, consider turning there first. If you make a recording and enhance it with additional sound affects from whatever horror movie is on television that night, your problem should be resolved permanently.