Monday, November 16, 2009

Sagely consternation

Today, the Sage address not a Seeker, but the Seeker's wife. Here is the link.

Madame, the Sage applauds your feelings against smoking. The Mystic Cave has a strict no-smoking policy, and the Minions have instructions to escort any Seeker reeking of smoke (of any variety) to the waterfall to shower before approcahing the Sage. However, the Sage did not seek out these souls. The Sage has made no vows to these souls. The Sage, in fact, could go through life entire without ever knowing these souls existed.

You, however, have committed a gross violation of your marriage vows. Even if you wed with the local Justice of the Peace, you promised to be a helpmate to this man, throughout both your lives, for better or worse, until one of you dies or you get a divorce. At the rate you are going, the latter is becoming highly probable.

This man loves you and is trying to honor his marriage vows. However, you have changed the rules, arbitrarily and without any change on his own part. Unless this man did NOT smoke before you wed or claimed to be a non-smoker and only told the truth after the wedding, the only thing that has changed is you. It doesn't matter if his doctor has told him to quit smoking or die next week; this is his choice to make.

Certainly you should have input on this decision, and you are certainly within your rights to do everything reasonable to help him stop smoking. However, it is his body. You may forbid him to smoke in your presence, in the house, or in the car; although, the Sage believes he would agree that if you are not present, it is his house and car, also. He does not indicate that his smoking is cutting your own life drastically short, so that he is intentionally harming you, either.

The Sage agrees with a simple axiom: The only person you can change is yourself. Using conjugal rights as a reward for your husband's compliance with your wishes is simply WRONG. If you really wish him to stop, explain to him why you want him to stop, offer to help in any way to make it easier for him to stop, and offer to change a habit of your own  that he finds unacceptable.

You know you have your own bad habits, and probably several. Your husband married and loves you in spite of these habits. Your actions may be intended to show him that you love him, but are in fact counterproductive. You are adding stress to his life, which in turn makes him desire cigarettes even more.

The fact that you have managed to withhold sex for an entire year indicates to the Sage one of three things: You have another lover; you don't care for sex (at least with your husband); or you have a stubborn streak the likes of which few have seen. Once your husband realizes this, he may decide that, despite his love for you, he is better off alone.

Once he is alone, he'll probably be ready to stop smoking, but he'll also be unlikely to take you back.

1 comment:

  1. Amen. Nothing like using good intentions as an excuse to try to manipulate someone you're supposed to love and respect. And I say "try," because it's totally counterproductive.

    I can't stand the smell of tobacco, but I'd be tempted to *start* smoking to piss off a twit like that.