Thursday, April 12, 2012

Sufferin' Sage-otash!

The Sage is even more weary of hearing inquiries regarding Facebook than of hearing complaints from Bridezillas. However, today's Seekers may be found here:

1. The Sage regrets to inform you that you did not hit the jackpot, if you are constantly in fear of your harmonious household being disrupted by this man. Inform him that you and he are going to family counselling and possibly classes on child development, so that he will learn what to expect from such youngf children. If he balks, explain how much more inexpensive this will be than child support. The Sage would add to the advice of the Lesser Advisor that the dinner table affords an excellent opportunity for all family members to share in pleasant, non-threatening conversation.

2. The Sage would remind you of the adage, that if everyone waited until they could afford to have children, humans would soon become extinct. Your description of your coworker sounds quite hostile, but it is unclear whether this hostility began to show itself to your superiors before or after her promotion. If parenthood is your goal, one or both of you might consider moonlighting to build up your nest egg, furthering your education in order secure more gainful employment, or merely brushing off the resumes to dearch for a better opportunity. If you are in an area especially hard hit by economic woes, consider relocating to greener pastures. While blaming others for your misfortune is easier than working smarter, the latter is much more productive. As to your suggestion of committing extortion or blackmail, bear in mind that both are illegal. Sexual harassment, including promoting someone else because of her sexual favors, is also illegal, actionable, and more beneficial for you to discuss with an attorney.

3. The Sage recommends that you do not attempt to get over your fear, but rather cultivate it. By your own admission, you are quite attracted to this woman. You are unavailable, but pursuing a platonic relationship with this woman - which you know you secretly hope will transform to a sexual one - can only harm your marriage. Find another class or another gym. If you plan to stay married to the woman you married, avoid this more scrumptuous woman.

4. The Sage believes that your primitive transportation device has been placed before your beast of burden. By all means, feel free to add this person to your list of Facebook friends. If you then find that he makes a number of posts with which you vehemently disagree, you can either try to engage him in intelligent debate on the issues on which you disagree, or you can hide those posts which offend you and limit the readership of those posts which you believe might irritate him. Of course, the option to quietly remove him from your list of friends is always an option, provided that he does not do this to you first. Even in Republic bastions, a few voices cry in the wilderness, hoping to make another side be heard.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

The Sage and scurrilous Souls

 1. Today's first Seeker wishes to incinerate his son, or at least to light a fire under him. The Sage regrets to inform you that the time to begin to instill values in one's offspring is when said offspring is still a young child. By your own admission, the young man is well able to provide for himself. Your job is done.

2. The next Seeker believs that her interviewer made sexually inappropriate comments by asking her to explain how she is not "just a pretty girl" who used her natural assets to get where she is. The Sage assures you that this interviewer probably asked similar questions, such as "just a pretty face" or "just a muscular stud" with the other interviewees. Undoubtedly, the intent was to see how you react under pressure. By writing to the Other Advisor rather than handling this yourself, you have failed. If you are incapable of handling this type of question without fretting about discrimination, the Sage doubts that you would function well in your chosen profession. Consider becoming a tort attorney.

3. The Sage commends you on landing well after a terrible experience. Your in-laws are understandably curious about the child's origins, but you are under no obligation to give them a full accounting. Explain that the matter of her paternity is a painful subject for you that you prefer not to be questioned about. Better yet, have your marvelous husband explain this, and ask that he refuse to field additional questions on the topic. You should consider allowing him to adopt your daughter, if he has not already done so.

Note to the Other Advisor: Most jurisdictions have statutes of limitations on behaviors such as rape, which has probably expired where this crime happened. The facts are easy to locate online. She should consult a lawyer before involving the law at this late date.

4. The Sage, like the final Seeker, has an aversion to an excess of the color pink. Remind your wife that you both need to be comfortable in your new bedroom. If there is a room which is to be at least for a time her private space - for reading, crafting, gaming or whatever she likes to do in her spare time - offer to let her decorate that room any way she wishes. Suggest this room will be the female equivalent of a "man cave."

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Sage branching out

Today the Sage will discuss another Advisor on the same site as the usual Other Advisor. Seekers may be found here:

1. The Container Store sells lockers for the refrigerator to prevent roommates from "borrowing" your food. The Sage suggests that you invest in one. Try the internet if there is no store like this near you.
Since the parents may already be aware of this dangerous habit, someone should talk to them. She sounds unbalanced, and their intervention could save her life.
2. The Sage notes that he gave you notice that booze is more important than any of his friends. The Sage is surprised any of you kept him in your circle of friends. He obviously is not one.
3. The Sage recommends that you tell her she is acting like a stalker. If she gets upset or continues, de-Friend her and block her number. Consider changing your own number. Send her a copy of "Single White Female" as a parting gift. Consider a restraining order if she does anything threatening.
The Alternate Advisor's phrase is backwards. The correct phrasing when using "let alone" is to list the easier item first, and the harder item next. That is, she should have said, ".. it was impossible to send one text in one evening, let alone 47 texts." The Sage wonders if this Alternate Advisor actually attended journalism school or even took a writing class.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Sage interrupted

Today the Sage has time for only a few Seekers. The rest of the line will be addressed later.

1. The Sage assures you that you are not a jerk. After all, having your own biological children would prove your verility, so you would be certain that you would want them and that they would grow to be the people that you want them to be, emulating you in all things. That is what you wish, is it not? Therefore, the Sage can think of many terms more appropriate than simply "jerk."

2. The Sage will not veil your advice through sarcasm. You neither bore nor adopted your siblings. Your parents certainly knew what they were doing when they adopted them, and if they are unable to bear this load on their own, they must must find means to hire some assistance. Many parents with dar fewer children take jobs with alternating hours so that one may always be available for the kids. Parenting is not just feeding, clothing, and housing children; but preparing the children to go on to be independent, competent adults.

3. The Sage urges you to find information from the nearest health department which explains the hazards of fertilizing with human manure. Yes, caution the neighbors, but do it carefully. When the produce nears harvesting, smile and tell the neighbors that you never would have believed that things could grow so well using only human waste for fertilizer.
4. The Sage would remind you that 14 is also an aged where a yougn lady needs some privacy from her 4 younger brothers. The family vacation, as you point out, happens every year. Many people never take such a trip. Tell her the rules you expect her to obey on her trip, and wish her well.
The Sage will complete this post later. Other obligations call.

Now, for the rest of the Wisdom.

5. The Sage applauds your efforts to keep your Minions in line. How better to ensure their absolute fealty and devotion than to make command decisions which leave them no room whatsoever for individuality. Whether Serfs or Minions, one must keep one's underlings intheir places at all times. Remember to control your husband-to-be, as well. You would not want him to falsely believe that he has any control in your and his future life together.

6. The Sage urges you to find an extremely deep and secluded well into which to store your brother's remains. A girl wearing pants and a T-shirt is not "dressing like a boy", but wearing casual clothing. Brava to your daughter for recognizing that children who wear pants get to have more fun and be more daring than those wearing dresses. Offer to buy your brother a dress, if you are unable to get him to the well, once a suitable one is located.

7. Feel free to give advice, but not in the Mystic Cave. Goodbye.

8. The best interim advice the Sage can give you is to permit yourself to mourn, openly and with many tears, while you are home alone or with your significant other. You are taking the correct first step toward accepting your mother's loss. Remember that this ultimately is about her, not about you.
9. The Sage insists that you and your husband discuss what is to be gained or avoided with each option. Without knowing why you each feel as you do, it will be impossible to reach an accord. Perhaps you will be lucky enough not to have any children you might be forced to cut in half.

10. This is not your Cave. The father the uncle stays away from his niece, the more well-balanced and healthy she is likely to be.

11. The Sage will remind you that your first obligation is to your minor children. If you felt your toddler was unsafe with your cousin around, you have no obligation to befriend her further. If she suggests playdates, tell her that you have other friends with whom you have more in common. At the same time, do what you can to monitor the child your cousin bears and act the way you would want someone to act if your child were exposed to whatever actions of your cousin which concern you.

12. The Sage agrees that you cannot be faithful to your brother's withes and to those of his wife. Consider who is the more likely to be hurt in this, and tell her that she is at risk of contracting the gift which keeps giving. If your brother - or even she - becomes angry at you, consider that they have each made a choice.
13. There are empty caves a-plenty upon the Mystic Mountain. Find your own.

14. The Sage recommends that you get Mr. Hughes some help before he loses any opportunity he has to form a bond wiht his child. If he is reluctant, inform him what would be the cost of child-support for what may well be his only child.

15. Explain to your child that having someone else do her work is not only dishonest, but fails to teach her the lessons that the assignment is intended to teach. Speak with the teacher and ask if your daughter may be granted an extension. You need not tell the teacher that the child's father completed the assignment for her, but do point out that the daughter had to use her visitation time with him for the project. The Sage suspects that the father believed that by doing the work himself, he and his child would have more quality time together. Help the instructor see that your child is probably not the only one in this situation.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Sage and the Truth setting people free.

Today's Seekers are here:

1. The Sage concurs. Your husband's mother most definitely is poinoning you to regain your husband's affections for your own. Your body certainly would not be responding to the stress you are under searching constantly for evidence of her evil designs. However, before you reciprocate, risking poisoning your husband and others in the process, invest in any electronic advice (and they are legion) which is capable of recording voices. Surrepitiously record the exchanges you have with this assassin, and with this evidence ask your husband to speak with his mother about how she interracts with you. In the meantime, employ the ancient technique of killing her with kindness, and offer to assume some of the kitchen duties so that she will not have an opportunity to cause you harm. The Sage is certain that this should at least reduce the poison that is flowing through your system. Also, get some one-on-one help from a trained professional.

2. The Sage recommends that you up the ante in superbness. When he states that something is super, agree that it is "super super". Alternately, model a variety of superlative adjectives in an effort to help his active vocabularity become superior to his present one. You should find that one of these methods works superbly. (The Sage agrees that foot picking is quite disgusting.)

3. The Sage will accept the role as your new therapist. Since you will not tell your current therapist the dark secret that shames you to the core, yet have told the Sage, the latter is obviously in a better position to assist you than your paid professional. Simply e-mail the Sage, whose Minions will send you instructions on how to transfer your funds directly to the Mystic Cave.

4. While the Sage is not in favor of lying to children, the Sage grants you permission to apologize to this couple in order to retain their friendship. An apology will give your or your wife the opportunity to discuss with them, when the child is not about, how much more difficult the truth will be when her friends tell her she is adopted, she denies it, they taunt her for her ignorance, and she finally figures out the truth. Long ago, couples went to great lengths to insure that an adopted child resembled the adoptive parent in order to hide the truth. An inter-racial adoption may leave the child wondering whether her mother had an affair if she is ignorant of the truth.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

The Sage and suspiciously fishy odors

Today's Seekers are located here:

1. The Sage has noticed, over the course of millenia, that smell is an integral component in a relationship. Divorces have been presaged by one person's announcment of disliking the other's odor. Even scientists have noticed that partners nearly always prefer even the most unpleasant odor of their partners to that of others. The Sage needs to inform you that your long-running fiance probably is settling for you, rather than taking the effort to find someone he truly loves. Therefore, you must drench yourself every morning, noon and night with perfumed products to allow you, also, to settle for second best. After all, since he is the only one who has noticed this or at least pointed it out to you, his evaluation certainly is true.

2. The Sage wonders why you think this is such a concern. Perhaps your sister-in-law has found a way to enhance her income, by  receiving a "finder's fee" from her law-breaking friends and acquaintances who might avail themselves of this code. Since your true goal is to keep your nephew as the son you never had, call each home listed and report both what you have seen and where you saw it. This should result in the additional incarceration time you wish her to have.

3. The Sage does not grasp why you were not expecting health, curious teens to use their "nests" to set up house in your living room. A forward-thinking adult such as yourself, who eschew such old-fashioned concepts as requiring the young men and the young ladies to sleep in opposite sides of the house, surely must be a popular spot for mixed-gendered parties, particularly your famous sleep-overs. By all means, make the teacher or director of this group aware of your findings, so that you may be commended for your chaperoning skills and moved to the top of the sleep-over hosting list.

(Note to the Other Advisor: Even if the son admits to sexual activities, finding a condom left by one of his friends does not constitute evidence that he himself uses protection.)

4. The Sage reminds you that just as you do your children no favors by doing their homework for them, neither are you doing your dear friend any favors by essentially rewriting his essays for admission into graduate school. Once your realized that you knew he was incapable of writing what you believe to be an appropriate essay, you should have bowed out of reading them. However, should he someone now be admitted to one of this phethora of schools, you have now obligated yourself to doing his graduate coursework via the internet. Depending upon how well you perform for him, you may also need to do his work upon completion of his studies for his future employers, as well.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Self-serving Seekers

Today's Seekers may be found here:

1. The Sage concurs that your wife and her former coworker must be evil souls, for daring to become friendly with one another after years of interacting closely at work. You must pack up your young sons and move in with your aged mother while these two are partying at dull business meetins, as no other woman could possibly be good enough for you. This will also ensure that your sons grow up to be as confident and trusting as you obviously are.

(The Sage recently returned from a similar Pilgrimage in a warm location, travelling only with a coworker of the opposite gender - and approximately 5400 other Souls.)

2. The Sage wonders whether your definition of "shrug it off" differs from the Sage's. Generally, this means one has stated that something was of no great import. Perhaps your son is simply not a demonstrative adult. However, to ease your own mind, you must make the "long car drive" to his home and cammp upon his front door until your have forced him into the cathartic experience that apparently only you need. This will surely make him ever more eager to see you.

3. The Sage has met few Souls indeed who do not need the jobs they have. Even when there are employers aplenty begging for one person's services, that person usually needs at least one job. However, not all individuals are cut out for any given job. Someone who is magnificicent at programming or building a computer may have been a terrible surgeon. Give an honest evaluation of this employee, as this is the job for which you are being remunerated now. The Sage is grateful that you are not one of the Minions with your avowed lack of loyalty to your employer, even to the neglect of your current duties.

4. The Sage commends your on your delicate sensibilities, and think you have devised a magnificent plan to force your wonderful housekeeper to deny the call of nature when it strikes. This woman seems to be the definition of "regularity", and it is most assuredly better to force her to rush to a gas station to relieve herself before soiling herself rather than for you simply to providing a strong air freshener in the room which was designed for the purpose for which she is using it.