Thursday, April 22, 2010

Saged at last - a real concern!

Here are the latest batch of Seekers:

 1. The Sage is aghast that someone who works in a youth-oriented business and admittedly appears to be in her mid-20's would try to deceive everyone in such a way. Looking and feeling younger than the calendar declares one to be must be one of the worst, most heinous, and truly disgusting sins of all. She almost certainly has destroyed all of her resumes on a regular basis and constantly reinvents herself so that no astute listener will realize how many years she has worked in this industry, in an effort to get ahead in a field in which experience is the key to advancement. By all means, you must force this woman to confess, preferably during her morning show and during a major promotion which will bring in the most listeners. The Sage personally recommends tying her to a stake and branding her with hot pokers as you scream, "Confess, witch! How old ARE you!?" Your employers will decidely reward you handsomely for saving their young listeners from continuing to tune in to hear this old hag prattle on as if she were youthful herself.

2. The Sage will take pity upon you and not dispense the usual Sagely Sagery. You did nothing wrong. Repeat that to yourself, over and over. It was callous of someone to try to blame you for this, and sad that you overheard it. While most people do disregard the speed limit, it usually has been determined by what is safe for the particular road so limited. There are also yellow stripes and solid lines to indicate to people when it is safe to pass. She chose, on her own volition, to ignore all of these safety rules, in addition to one taught in every drivers ed class, which is never to pass more than one vehicle at a time. What happened was unfortunate, but the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the deceased young victim. Contact the law-enforcement agency where the accident happened. They usually have people, or people they can refer you to, who are well acquainted with helping victims of survivors guilt such as your own.

3. The Sage wonders why you have made this trip to the Mystic Cave when you obviously have hit upon the best course of action all on your own. It is undortunate that you failed to take pictures or better still a video which could also be used on the internet. Since this is not possible, perhaps a large billboard on the busiest street near each participant's home, facing both directions, so that all coming and going might know of this non-gentleman's indiscretion. Also, set your couch outside, painted with a large "A". An "F" would be more appropriate, but an "A" is a more familiar cancept. After a week passes and you have had sufficent opportunity to explain your couch's sudden appearance outside, set the couch ablaze. After the fire is extinguished, send the bill from the fire department, the fine from the city, and the receipt for a new couch to your boyfriend's surely former friend.

Note: The Sage is shocked - shocked! - that the lesser advisor would feel that any decent person would ever use a piece of furniture other than one's own bed for purposes of sex, or that individuals who are not married to one another might participate. Even then, it must only be done with the lights off, in the missionary position, and still wearing as much clothing as possible while still getting the job done. After all, this IS the 19th century! The Sage is positive that you and your boyfriend have separate bedrooms, in which you do nothing but sleep.

4. The Sage cannot imagine why one spouse might possibly want to feign interest in something of import to the other spouse. Certainly you are right to be snappish and discourteous when your husband asks you these menial questions. How much easier it is to tell him that you don't care and want nothing to do with it than to answer, "I prefer green over red." Continue on with a new resolve, and perhaps soon, you no longer will be called upon to share any decisions with this man.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

oo-EE-oo Sage

This week's Seekers may be found here. The Lesser Advisor found at this site may  miss to decide whether she wishes to become an endorse or or These evoke somewhat different levels of authoritativeness.

1. The Sage recalls this story. Didn't that star Sandra Bullock? No, wait, different plot.

By any means possible, you must do everything in your power to stop this man from taking this position. Many individuals have vivid dream, often relating to things one has discussed, overheard, glimsed - and often it turns out that the dreams have some similarity to events which actually occor in one's life. Because of this occasional happenstance, there is a small likelihood that something similar to your dream could occur, especially considering that people are still being killed in unstable political situations such as exists in Iraq. Camp on the gentleman's door. Inform your husband that your household will now be supporting this person's household. You must absolutely not allow him to live his life and to take a calculated risk to accept this position with what surely includes some hazardous duty pay. Certainly your husband and children will understand why you are so invested in this former love.

2. The Sage is a strong defender of the young. You say you manage to treat the boy with respect. This is a big plus in your favor. However, until you can graduated from showing respect to being able to find something in teh boy to like, you are correct not to wed the boy's father. Part of your dislike may well be a twinge of jealousy that your own child must share a father with this boy. This was your choice, and perhaps should have been considered before creating your own child. You are also correct that the boy probably hears negative things about you. You are still an outsider to the child. Give him some more time, making a concerted effort to relate to him. Perhaps when you see him and your own child beginning to bond, your maternal feelings will expand to include him.

3. The Sage insists that you and your colleague storm into the manager's office, clubs and torches in hand, to press him for permission to lynch whoever called for this seminar. Should you be remiss to do this, consider walking out en masse. The Sage does wonder what having gray hair has to do with etiquette. Perhaps management would be happier if each of died, off the clock of course, so that you could be replaced with younger and cheaper employees. You might be well advise in your next departmental meeting actually asking the manager what these features had to do with the stated subject.

4. The Sage realizes that you need to sell your car in order to participate fully in this young woman's wedding. If you won't be able to secure the entire amount this way, then you must consult with the bride to be to clarify what she meant by helping you with the expenses. If she indeed meant a loan, tell her that it would be irresponsible of you to incur such debt without knowing that you would be able to pay off the debt. Suggest that if she truly wishes your participation in this wedding, that perhaps you could work with her to scale back the expenses which would be incurred by the attendants. This is an extremely large sum for non-principals to be expending for to them is essentially a large party.

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Exasperated Sage

The Sage grows weary of these faint of heart Seekers, with issues that the Sage has such difficulty sinking teeth into. The Minions need to screen better lest the Sage take a Sabbatical and leave the Oracle in charge.

Today's Seekers may be found here.

1. The Sage wonders if your roommate had been living in a place even more inaccessible than the Mystic Cave before becoming pregnant. Is the father perhaps extremely tall and hairy, with exceptionally large feet? No? Then the Sge suspects that your roommate is well aware of the dangers to both her own health and that of her unborn children, not to mention the hazards presented to her roommates if this smoking is done inside your home. Sadly, the Sage doubts there is anything you might say to change the mother-to-be's question. If the opportunity arises, you might ask what she plans to do when the pregnancy has gone full term. This would not be an invasion of privacy, as this is potentially an additional roommate currently dwelling within her womb. During this conversation would be your best opportunity to suggest that it would be best for the unborn child to abstain from cigarettes and alcohol for a short time.

2. The Sage recommends that you casually chat with the mother. Tell her that you are sorry that Charlemagnia missed Marmaduchess' birthday party, but that the invitation somehow was lost. The Sage suspects that either Marmaduchess chose to lose the invitation, or that Charlemagnia didn't realize the import of the invitation when she received it. Marmaduchess' mother's response to the conversation should help you clarify what happened. If the fault was on Marmaduchess, be assured that her mother will take greater care to see that Charelmagnia gets her invitation next year.

Incidentally, the Sage is quite familiar with this Charlemagnia's condition through the lives of the Minions. Following the lesser Advisor's advice to point out your child's differences may help, but is more likely to cause the parents to avoid your child even more. Over-reacting is a good way to ensure your daughter gets even more unwelcome attention. While you need to be her advocate, you also need to back off and learn to allow her to live her own life as much as she is able to. Your job as her mother is to teach her to function as an adult without your constant intervention.

3. The Sge is so glad to see a Seeker of your caliber, enabling the Sage to offer the kind of advice which makes the Sage great. By all means, make advances toward this gentleman. Chat with him as often as possible. Bring him little gifts such as brownies or a frame picture of yourself. Ensure that you sit with him or dine at the same restaurant as he each day. Let him hear you comment regularly and loudly about the attractiveness of his glutimus maximus or on the fullness of his pouch. As an added bonus, stick to him like glue at the next office party at which your husband is present. In this manner, you may embarass yourself, trash your marriage, and be slapped with a sexual harassment suit as you lose your job, perhaps all in the same week.

4. The Sage is certain that your friend would want to hear the truth. While she may initially blame you for her pet's demise, even the incarcerated deserve to hear the truth. As to her tendency toward depression, she is more likely to have help dealing with her emotions while on the inside than after she is out.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Bonsai Sage

The Sage is enduring, for a time, funtioning in an exceedingly tight space. The Mystic Cave is also home to several large predatory mammals, which are now coming out of hibernation, forcing the Sage and the Minions into a smaller chamber off of the main cavern. As such, the Sage finds it difficult to exercise the usual rapier wit, and must respond to these Seekers with a greater dose of kindness than usual.

1. The Sage appreciates your attempt at humor with this query. To reward your meager efforts, the Sage will grace you with an answer. Were this truly a physical problem with no emotional component, the Sage doubts the doctors would have advised you to come back later after you acquired a serious boyfriend. The Sage also suspects that you are dealing with a tremendous amount of guilt, which is preventing you from "doing the deed", more than any physical anomaly may be doing. If you find a man who truly cares for you, you may be able to get beyond your guilt or flashbacks or whatever is troubling you. If not, a loving partner would be patient and supportive while you undergo the medical treatment required to remedy your physical barrier.

2. The Sage has learned to say, "Glad to see you" when addressing the terminally ill. While your father may not be on death's door, he certainly is not in the physical condition he and you would surely like him to be. Apparently your father is communicative. Try discussing a happy earlier memory, but not your favorite memory. If he is unwilling to bring up those former times, you will be able to tell by his voice or his eyes, if not by his actually saying so. If this goes well, you can bring up even happier times. If not, you won't have marred such a fine memory by associating it with causing your father grief. Alternately, you could offer to read to him, perhaps from Sports Illustrated or a similar publication.

3. The Sage believes that one never knows unless one tries. The Sage's personal and vicarious experiences would indicate that people become much more attractive as a relationship progresses, and that some people actually have a preference for those others would consider less attractive. You would be well advised to progress slowly, lest you make the current friendship untenable; but remember that going too slowly may mean that you miss the opportunity for what may be a beautiful future.

4. The Sage first recommends that you avoid shopping with either one of this couple or entering the store where she is employed, if it can be avoided. You or your wife might ask Betty or her hsband how they happened upon such wonderful treasures, and how they can bear to part with so many of them at once, especially if there appear to be several which are nearly identical. Additionally, if the items were obviously purchased recently, such as an electronic device which only recently became available, you may need to confront your friend - the husband - about your concerns and your worries that he might be considered an accessory, which could result in his dishonorable discharge. If that doesn't stop it, or even if it does, a call to the manager explaining that you've overheard that his employees are bolstering their wealth at the company's expense, would be in order.

As the Oracle might say, Knowing of evil and ignoring it is no better than commiting the evil yourself.