Thursday, April 22, 2010

Saged at last - a real concern!

Here are the latest batch of Seekers:

 1. The Sage is aghast that someone who works in a youth-oriented business and admittedly appears to be in her mid-20's would try to deceive everyone in such a way. Looking and feeling younger than the calendar declares one to be must be one of the worst, most heinous, and truly disgusting sins of all. She almost certainly has destroyed all of her resumes on a regular basis and constantly reinvents herself so that no astute listener will realize how many years she has worked in this industry, in an effort to get ahead in a field in which experience is the key to advancement. By all means, you must force this woman to confess, preferably during her morning show and during a major promotion which will bring in the most listeners. The Sage personally recommends tying her to a stake and branding her with hot pokers as you scream, "Confess, witch! How old ARE you!?" Your employers will decidely reward you handsomely for saving their young listeners from continuing to tune in to hear this old hag prattle on as if she were youthful herself.

2. The Sage will take pity upon you and not dispense the usual Sagely Sagery. You did nothing wrong. Repeat that to yourself, over and over. It was callous of someone to try to blame you for this, and sad that you overheard it. While most people do disregard the speed limit, it usually has been determined by what is safe for the particular road so limited. There are also yellow stripes and solid lines to indicate to people when it is safe to pass. She chose, on her own volition, to ignore all of these safety rules, in addition to one taught in every drivers ed class, which is never to pass more than one vehicle at a time. What happened was unfortunate, but the blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the deceased young victim. Contact the law-enforcement agency where the accident happened. They usually have people, or people they can refer you to, who are well acquainted with helping victims of survivors guilt such as your own.

3. The Sage wonders why you have made this trip to the Mystic Cave when you obviously have hit upon the best course of action all on your own. It is undortunate that you failed to take pictures or better still a video which could also be used on the internet. Since this is not possible, perhaps a large billboard on the busiest street near each participant's home, facing both directions, so that all coming and going might know of this non-gentleman's indiscretion. Also, set your couch outside, painted with a large "A". An "F" would be more appropriate, but an "A" is a more familiar cancept. After a week passes and you have had sufficent opportunity to explain your couch's sudden appearance outside, set the couch ablaze. After the fire is extinguished, send the bill from the fire department, the fine from the city, and the receipt for a new couch to your boyfriend's surely former friend.

Note: The Sage is shocked - shocked! - that the lesser advisor would feel that any decent person would ever use a piece of furniture other than one's own bed for purposes of sex, or that individuals who are not married to one another might participate. Even then, it must only be done with the lights off, in the missionary position, and still wearing as much clothing as possible while still getting the job done. After all, this IS the 19th century! The Sage is positive that you and your boyfriend have separate bedrooms, in which you do nothing but sleep.

4. The Sage cannot imagine why one spouse might possibly want to feign interest in something of import to the other spouse. Certainly you are right to be snappish and discourteous when your husband asks you these menial questions. How much easier it is to tell him that you don't care and want nothing to do with it than to answer, "I prefer green over red." Continue on with a new resolve, and perhaps soon, you no longer will be called upon to share any decisions with this man.

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