Monday, October 18, 2010

The answer is "Moon".

While the Sage is on Sabbatical, the Minions offer answers to these Seekers. Since this day each week is dedicated to the Moon, this answer seemed only appropriate.

Doggie Mommy: Could be worse. You could have kids. Next time you retrieve the tennis balls, moon your man and see if he keeps complaining.

Friend at seminary: Why is this your problem again? Have him tell the hands-on priest that if he tries againthing again, your friend will send him "to the Moon!" Make sure he puts on his best Jackie Gleason voice.

Not a good friend: Tell your friend you have been away visiting relatives on the moon. Then ask yourself if she is in turn a good friend, or is the perpetually needy one in the raltionship.

Couch-potato toddler: Tell your husband you have bought the two of them tickets for the nearest Moonwalk inflatable, and that you expect them to get used.

Long-distance wedding guests: A gift is whatever you want to give someone. You don't have to explain anything after going to so much expense to make sure people they love can attend. Tell them to enjoy their honeymoon.

Corny mother-in-law: Does your husband agree with you during these heated discussions, or is he out howling at the full moon? Tell the grandparents that your doctor recommends any practices they disagree with. That usually helps.

[Not a question. Go see banker Theodore J. Mooney to pay your fine.]

[Also not a question, but apparently your friend has been too busy mooning over her new husband to think about her old friends.]

Jealous girlfriend: If they live close together and both are sober and healthy, it's not the best plan. Go by when they're having a little sleepover and see if she's looking at the moon out of his bedroom window.

Crotchless dress: Tell her you've ordered a tuxedo with open rear panels. If she can give the guests a beaver shot, you can give them a moon shot.

[Not a question. Not your child. You are sentenced to watch the next moonshot from underneath the rocket.]

Not fully sober grandparents: Is this national Leave the Kids With the Grandparents Week or something? If they can't watch the child without having a few Blue Moons tell them they can't have your moon-faced cherub stay over.

[Three more which are not questions or double dippers. Just enough for an Apollo moon shot. Make sure the person above is watching.]

Non-cuddler: Get separate beds, before a moon-sized crater is formed in your relationship.

[Another non-question. These used to be once in a blue moon, but apparently Prudie is short on actual questions.]

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Simply Sage

The Sage apologizes for lack of edginess this morning. Not only are the Seekers of even less entertaining caliber than usual, but the Sage is please at the Chilean government's successful attempts to rescue the 33 trapped miners. The Sage believes most governments would have written them off in the first two weeks, and having been unlikely to survive and the task to rescue them as being too daunting and dangerous.

The Sage is considering tabling this format, in lieu of mimicry of the Monday Seekers with a single answer, instead. On to today's Seekers, who may be found here.

1. Seeker yelled at sister during a wedding, who then told Seeker how mean she's always been.

The Sage recommends that you own your meanness. Not everyone has the ability to anger everyone by merely entering a room. Revel in your meanness. Embrace it and let it become who you are. This way, you always will be remembered wherever you go.

(The Sage disavows any knowledge of lesser Advisors who attempt to give complex medical/psychiatrist diagnoses by e-mail.)

2. Male Seeker made unwanted sexual advances toward a straight friend while on anesthesia.

The Sage agrees that you should disance yourself from this alleged "friend". Anyone who would take someone fresh from surgery and drop them off at a bus stop is no friend.

3. Seeker's landlord has resumed human sex slave trafficking in Seeker's building of residence.

The Sage urges you to turn in your landlord. While you may still need to pay this reprobate your monthly rent, you will feel better mailing said checks to the state penitentiary.

4. Seeker's relatives drop off their children without warning.

The Sgae long ago deveolped a solution to similar dilemmas. Pack whatever bags you generally take for an evening outing - diaper bag, stroller and the like. Leave them by the door. When the relatives come to drop off their inconvenient children, tell them that you would love to help, except that you were just going out. Explain that had they called first and asked, you might have been able to make other plans. Also mention that you can no longer afford the financial, physical, or emotional costs of watching five children at once, including your own newborn.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Fuzzy Sage

This week's Seekers may be found here The common theme today seems to be fuzz. The first Seeker has a fuzzy image of where her husband's true affections lie, when he could be giving his affections to a fuzzy companion. The second Seeker has a fuzzy-minded daughter, while the third Seeker's friends have a fuzzy understanding of what charity is. The final Seeker is tired of dealing with her husband's fuzzy head.

1. Seeker's husband's new friendship seems overly affectionate to Seeker.

The Sage sees that the simple solution to this problem is to buy your husband a dog. He'll show it just as much affection and still push you out in the cold emotionally, but at least you won't be embarassed for your friends to see him showering affection on the dog.

2. Seeker's adult granddaughters posted pictures of their terminally alcoholic, homeless-by-choice, dying mother on Facebook, which offends Seeker.

The Sage understands this woman's choices have been hard on all of you. They have a different relationship with her, and must deal with their own feelings. Post pictures of your own, showing your daughter progressing from a happy child to a sick drunk, and come to grips with this in your own way, as well. Perhaps they see their own pictures as a warning to their party-going friends.

3. Seeker does charitable work and donates to charities, but is berated by friends on recent purchase of a new car.

The Sage agree with your friends that the money you spent on this vehicle could have gone to help others. So can that of your friends. Each time one of these killjoys picks up a bite of food, purchases a newspaper, or spends any time or money on themselves, remind them of how this choice meant that much time or money not going to their own charities. In order for you to contribute your time and money, you need transportation to earn the money and to contribute the time.

4. Seeker's husband gets a bi-annual buzz haircut, which Seeker despises.

When your husband returns from his next shearing, excuse yourself to have the same done to yourself. If he complains, tell him this is how you feel about his choice of hair style. If he says nothing, he obviously feels your head is your own, and his head is his. Do not heed the advice of lesser Seekers, who would actually have you encourage him to maintain this style.