Thursday, December 22, 2011

Happy HoliSage

The Sage is on holiday for the next week or so. However, since the Minions have gone to such trouble to make the Mystic Cave festive for the occasion, here are this week's Seekers:

1. The Sage understands that you do not wish life to change beyond what existed when you were a wee tot, and are justifyably angry that your sister-in-law dare wish to be with her own original family while including her husband's original family. The Sage can only comfort you with the thought that sometimes, entire households are erased when travelling during the holidays, particularly if conditions are poor or if the driver or a driver encountered has been imbibing excessively.

V. The Sage womders why you would care so to get the entire family together, when by your own admission, none of you get along. Rather than trying desperately to have someone invite the combatants - or rather your relatives - drive across town to descend upon a single individual's home, locate a restaurant which will be open on Christmas Day and which will tolerate the lot of you occupying a reasonable section of the establishment for the short time in which all parties will be able to restrain their impulses to quarrel.

2. The Sage recognizes that many families have one or more member who simply refuses to get along with the others, and that this person may later seek forgiveness from those whom he or she has wronged. You are not evil to wish to avoid contact with this person. However, you cannot accept his largesse silently. If you intend to maintain your concerned distanced, you must return the gifts with a polite note that you prefer not to reignite this relationship. Keeping them only tells him that you are both rude and avaricious.

3. The Sage too wonders why your entire family must be dragged to a religious service twice a year, when not even your hosts take their religion seriously. However, you are not free to change the habits of anyone but yourself and any minor children you happen to have brought along. Infrom your family that you have made other plans during this time slot. You may imply that you will be meeting with an old friend, even if your plans consist entirely of driving around the block until they are gone and returning to read a good book.

4. The Sage is please that around the age of thirty, you and your sister are finally adults. Your aunt and uncle care about you, but acknowledge that they do not know you well enough to select a gift which would be meaningful to either of you. The Sage continued to receive two small bills in a birthday card every year from a sainted grandmother until the day the grandmother died. If you feel silly accepting the checks, write an equal one to the charity of your choice.

(The Lesser Advisor also gave excellent advice to this Seeker.)

The Sage will now retreat back into the Mystic Cave to continue holiday festivities, and hopes to re-emerge in or about the new year. May all Minions, Acolytes, and Seekers have a safe and pleasant year's end.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Sage and the Familial Seekers

Today's Seekers may be found here.

1. The Sage appreciates your concern for the welfare of your cat, and your desire to be with the man whom you love. Remember that it will be more satisfying to relocate the cat and visit him regularly, than to find a new lover for your gentleman friend and to hope for visitation rights.

2. The Sage would point out that many individuals never receive gifts - spontaneous or toherwise - from the objects of their affection. Accept that he is loving you in the way that he is able to love you. Begin reminding him a week or so before special events, so that he may rush out and buy or hurry and order your gifts in time for you to receive them on your special day.

3. The Sage is pleased that you and your husband have been able to work out your religious differences in a way that works for you. As you have already explained to your son that Grandma and Grandpa selebrate different holidays than you do, permit him to share their joy in opening a present on "their" holiday. Most children care little for the wrapping paper of a gift, and simple want to rip it off to see what is beneath. Adding a holiday not your own should not lessen the joy of your own celebrations, particularly as you are active in your religious practices with him.

4. The Sage recognizes that many people have literal dreams of their childhood places, and that many adults dream of a return to those carefree years, when they were not expected to make important decisions or to fend for themselves. However, the Sage assures you that were you to enter the house now, even if it were completely empty, it would only disturb those happy memories with thoughts of, "When did they move that wall?" "The bed belongs near the window, not there!" and "I can believe how run down this place looks!" Cherish the memories and peruse photographs from your childhood. There is a reason for the expression, "You can't go home again."

Thursday, December 1, 2011

(Pre-)Winter Sage

1. The Sage cries Poppycock! You have enough genetic information about your family from your father and siblings, which is more than many people have now, and as much as most people had in the early 1950's. Admit to yourself that you are simply overly curious. Feel free to test yourself for the gene carrying your niece's disease, but respect your father's wishes and make no inquiries as to his origins until his hopefully distant demise.

2. The Sage would point out that whether your husband flushes or rinses, water is still going down the drain when he urinates. This is a disgusting and juvenile habit which he needs to stop right now. Purchase him a male portable urinal and suggest he carry it around, and once he pours the full container into a toilet, to feel proud that he saved the water for a couple of extra flushes.

3. The Sage will not give you permission to harm this woman farther. She either does not know of the affair, or more likely, has accepted that her husband was unfaithful and has put it behind her. Telling her about it now in the form of an apology would serve no usefull purpose. Speak to someone to help you get over your obsession with this man, made evident by your compulsion to search the Internet for information about him.

4. The Sage suggests that you invite this friend and her fiance to a dinner with only a few people she actually knows well, preferably just you with your partner and she with hers. You admit that she is very shy. Having a fiance does not change her character; it only provides additional support from a loving man when she does find herself unexpectedly out of her element.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Monday mumbling

1. The one someone should speak to would be your brother. She's doing nothing illegal, but if it isn't addressed sooner than later, it will be that much more difficult to address later. If there's someone else in the family with small children or who is a pediatrician, have them offer her viable options so that she doesn't have to sit outside her son's classroom once her starts kindergarten.

2. The girl was correct. Perhaps she could have phrased it better, but if the family must choose sides, I hope you choose on basis of ethics rather than inheritance.

3. This may well be a deal-breaker, and you need to tell her if it is. Why it's okay to have sex with her boyfriend but not her husband, is what you need to focus the discussion toward.

4. It's awkward for many people to fool around in their parents' homes. Tell him if you compromise and use a hotel, then he needs to insure you return to the house early enough to perform your usual agreed-upon chores.

5. NAQ

6. He wouldn't have kept them for so long had he not wished to share them, or he would have left a rider on his will stipulating what to do with them. Such journals are boons to historians, as they detail ordinary cusstoms which are usually considered to be too mundane to mention anywhere else.

7. Being a minor does limit your options. Enlist your parents' help with this, or the owner of whichever house the festivities are in. Explain thatyou need a few minutes now and then to regroup, and that you can be much better company if this is allowed. They can then stand guard and redirect anyone heading toward your room. (Announcing a walk means everyone else will want to come along. Homework means they'll tell you to put it off or offer to help.)

8. Respecting each other's individual differences is a wonderful way to show respect. Love him the way he needs to be loved, not the way you want him to love you.

9. Who picks the "child" each year? Perhaps it's time to specify some preferences about the child you will be sponsoring - such as under a certain age. This young man may be mentally handicapped and forever a child. Consider purchasing a good, used system.

10. Be honest. Maybe he will learn to be, as well. Tell him you found out he is still actively looking for someone else, so you have decided to, as well. An e-mail break-up is also acceptable in this situation.

11. You did nothing almost any other young child would not have done, including the lie you told. You and your friend should probably not have been unattended in the front yard at that age, until you both knew how to safely cross a street. Your parents probably should have found you a counsellor for a few session to sort out your grief and confusion. Since they did not, please do so now.

12. Assume MIL is losing her marbles, and let it go. Have her looked at by a competent gerontologist if you think she really is.

13. NAQ, but we never took on this type of charity, as the kids usually wanted things we couldn't afford to get our own family, much less one child.

14. NAQ

15. NAQ

16. NAQ. I won't add my other thoughts about Pru's response.

17. Please break up with her and tell her in breaking up that abuse is abuse. If you breed with her, your children will be given this same line of bull; but she'll tell them how it's okay for parents to hit children for discipline, but not the other way around.

18. Don't mention it. It will only bring up unpleasant memories.

19. Say, "don't you have anything better to do?" Then tell HR that you feel this is a form of sexual harassment, if they don't desist.

20. You should have told them to quit bullying the other children (as often as necessary), then left it up to them to decide to move elsewhere. If the parents then objected, tell them that if they can't keep their kids in line, you will make sure the others are safe.
21. They probably wouldn't have given it to you if they couldn't afford it. (Are they showing signs of dementia?) If you really feel bad about taking it, or think they can't afford it, convince your husband to put it into a CD, which you can use to help them if they run out of money.
22. NAQ

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Early morning Sage

Today's Seekers may be found here:

1. The Sage wonders whether this is truly a complain, or whether you are engaging in self adulation. Spend less time worrying about these comments and do your work. Some fawning on the part of others no doubt contributes to your success; however, this is fleeting. More importantly, you must learn to distinguish between joviality and solemnity.

V. The Sage commends you on your practicality in recognizing that your dog will likely predecease you, but would remind you that if you are approaching the halfway point in your life, so will half of the people youcare about. Unless you also dwell on the future funeral plans for your parents and other loved ones, try to enjoy your canine companion while you may. On a more cheerful note, it is entirely possible that you will actually predecease your dog.

2. The Sage would remind you that you are now an adult and have options other than returning to your parents to feed you for this holiday. You may, with the Sage's blessing, inform them that you have other plans this year. If you parents have other redeeming qualities, or if you have other relatives who regularly gather to be with them, consider going every two or three years, but make it clear that as an adult, it is now tome to begin making your own holiday traditions. Perhaps this will include assisting at a community celebration which includes those who have less for which to be thankful.

3. The Sages suggests that you tell your husband, "I take the bus in order to save us money, while Elaine has a good job and can afford to get her own car waxed." Explain that this is one favor too many for your marital comfort. In the Sage's long existence, never has the Sage has an automobile waxed, yet the Sage's modes of transportation have always looked clean and lustrous.

4. The Sage will permit you to be less of a good listener with you safe and privileged crowd, provided that once one of these individuals does face an actual crisis, you remain available to comfort them. Naturally, finding a different crown with which to hang is also perfectly acceptable.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Sage's Minion Speaks

Hello. As the Sage was unable to locate any great minds to edify the Seekers, and was unwilling to address them personally, the task today has fallen upon me. First, look here for today's Seekers.

1. The parents have the right to tell (or not tell) their children anything they want. However, your wife needs to be aware that the children are being shortchanged in knowing that her medical history is not their medical history. FOr instance, assuming one is a daughter and her mother and/or materal aunts develop breast cancer, she probably wouldn't benefit from DNA screening to see if she carries the gene. If she had the testing, she'd find out the truth soon enough and may well feel her world shake from knowing she'd been lied to her entire life.

(Note: I have relatives who were created with donor sperm. The father is now deceased, and the children think they are at high risk of dying from what killed him.)

(Prudie: If they go to such a support group, that itself may inform the kids of the truth.)

2. Tell them you dropped and broke it, and were too upset to tell them the truth. Hopefully, they won't buy a twin replacement.

3. You should have discussed this privately with your husband, and he should have told his family members that he didn't think he could do this. Instead, now you're the bad guy in the whole story, even though they are being unreasonable to make you so. This is a very private decision, and they have no right to try to coerce your husband to comply.

4. Yes. This used to be the norm among royalty and other upper class households. Whose business is it, anyway?

5. What's your question?

6. That's what I said.

7. Contact her and tell her your financial advisor (even if that is me) told you that you needed to have her sign a promissory note for that much money, specifying what she owes and how and when she will repay it. At a minimum, if she defaults, you can take it off your income tax with proof of the loan.

8. That's rather obvious. And yes, you CAN mention it too often. My non-adopted nephew was often made to feel he was NOT special, since they kept harping on how the adopted one WAS special.

9. What is this, second guess Prudie Day? Either add a comment after it posts, or submit an article to The Fly. The requesting couple are the ones limiting their parenting options by refusing to consider anything BUT the brother's sperm.

10. Yeah, whatever.

11. Tell her you will let her approve any pictures in which she is prominent when you are finished. This is also inconveniencing the others in any group photos, who have to wait for her to decide, then pose over and over, without knowing how they themselves look. She can request she be blotted out if the picture makes everyone else look good and her bad.

12. What she is doing is called "free lancing". Since it pays well, shut up.

13. Tell Mom she doesn't have to visit you and your cats.

14. Zzzzzz. I'm sorry; we're you trying to say something?

15. She won't listen. Don't waste your breathe ... er, uh, keystrokes.

(Note that Prudie is now calling her advice "Pronouncements"! Even SHE must love the Great Sage!)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

The Sage suffers Self-Serving Seekers

Today's Seekers may be found here:

1. The first Seeker has been seeking out prostitutes to make up for a deficiency in his home sex life.

The Sage admires your flexibility and ingenuity in finding a solution which appears to meet your personal needs. However, since not all prostitutes are equal, the Sage would remind you that when you put your spouse at risk for STDs - as you are doing - then you must receive consent from your spouse or relieve yourself from responsibility to said spouse. Alternately, wait until that burning itch she develops results in a positive STD test and watch various items hitting the proverbial fan.

2. The second Seeker feels too inadequate to attend a 50+ year high school reunion, having once been voted "most likely to succeed."

The Sage would remind the Seeker that success if in the eye of the beholder. If you are/were happy in your career, have a successful relationship with your spouse, and your children - if any - are respectable, self-sufficient adults, then you are far more successful than most.

3. The next Seeker accidentally received an e-mail from his son expressing the son's apparent unhappiness at the Seeker's impending visit.

The Sage will answer simply: Yes, you did overreact. Individuals of your son's age use highly expressive language when expressing an inability to carry through with a previous engagement, as your son appears to have done with his girlfriend. Apologize for your over-reaction, and next time, ignore the mis-sent e-mail.

4. Today's final Seeker is expected to host a drunken friend who is celebrating a brithday for the entire weekend, and who is angry that the Seeker wishes to include her boyfriend.

The Sage does not believe that you were out of line to inform a self-invited guest that you wish to include someone else at a non-event of this nature. As your boyfriend is not welcome at the bar with your and "the girls", tell your friend what time after your evening spent elsewhere with your boyfriend you will be home in order to let her in for the night.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Today's (yesterday's) Seekers may be found here:
The Sage wishes to apologize in advance for any typographical errors in the transmission of the Sage's Wisdom, as the Sage's advice is being typed by a Minion whose skills are quite atrocious. [That's "good", right? - the typing Minion]

1. The first Seeker is dismayed at her physical likeness to her poor excuse for a mother.

The Sage can but point out that physical similarity is no indicator of likeness in character. People have clones beloved pets, only to find that while the pet may look just like Muffy, it has none of Muffy's endearing personality. The Sage also recommends looking into lucid dreaming, so that you might take control of your dreams and finally tell your mother - at least in your mind - what you really think.

2. The second Seeker managed to burn many bridges at work, and is wondering how to rebuild them.

The Sage has just one word for you: Transfer.

The Sage would wonder if you are not perhaps one of the previously dismissed Minions, except that you have managed to remain in your current position despite your surly attitude.

3. The next Seeker has found the perfect woman, except for one slight issue.

The Sage asks how someone who is not attracted to you can be the perfect woman for you, and encourages you to reconsider your policy of complete truth with your significant other. The Rotarians have a good set of rules to consider before speaking. You might wish to adopt it.

4. The final Seeker is at loggerheads over the future of their minor children in the event of their mutual and simultaneous demise.

The Sage notes that your in-laws have already agree to the possibility of becoming your children's legal guardians, and wonders whether you have also approached either set of grandparents to ask whether they, too, would consider this possibility. It may be that neither wishes to accept this responsibility, in which case your argument would be moot. Your attorney would likely recommend a back-up for whomever you name as guardian.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

The Sage returns

The Sage would like to announce a new Respite from the Mystic Cave, located here,!/groups/282963985048855/?notif_t=group_r2j . Today, however, the Sage will counsel a group of Seekers from another Lesser Advisor, located here,;_ylt=AtacU3SVp1B_PzKx_Qd3mCqGgsgF;_ylu=X3oDMTRoNzUxYmxwBGNjb2RlA2dtcHRvcDIwMHBvb2xyZXN0BG1pdANOZXdzIGZvciB5b3UEcGtnA2I2N2JiZWVlLTJmODktMzI4NC1iNjA3LTdhNTU0MDkyYzk2ZARwb3MDMQRzZWMDbmV3c19mb3JfeW91BHZlcgNiMjg0NzczMC1lNjc2LTExZTAtYmRmZi1kYjM4NTljNjYwODE-;_ylg=X3oDMTNpZnJxMG5lBGludGwDdXMEbGFuZwNlbi11cwRwc3RhaWQDNWE5ZWNjNWUtOWI4YS0zMzlkLThjYzQtODVjMGYxMjMwODkyBHBzdGNhdANzY2llbmNlfHNwYWNlIC0gYXN0cm9ub215BHB0A3N0b3J5cGFnZQR0ZXN0Aw--;_ylv=3

The first Seeker has two grandchildren, both young enough to be considered infants by many, The Seeker and the other grandparents pay for activities and daycare, and also babysit and feed these children for a total of five nights a week. The children's parents have announced a new "blessed event" to occur within the next several months.

The Sage cannot help but wonder what these children's parents actually do for their offspring. The children are in daycare ald also are gone five nights a week. have you visited their home, unannounced, to determine what may actually happen while they are there? They are yet too young to report on activities within their home. If the parents are too poor or too disinterested to see their own children except on weekends, regardless of whether they are availing themselves of public assistance, the Sage suspects something is amiss in their house, and would recommend voicing these concerns to the appropriate governmental agency. These children, including the unborn sibling, may well be better off in foster care, as neither set of grandparents is able to assume permanent custody.

The next Seeker is in a 4-year relationship, and has for most of this time been responsible for any transportation required for this relationship. The couple now lives quite near one another, and while the young man now has his own tranportation, he expects the Seeker to continue to be the transportation provider.

The Sage urges your to look deeply at this relationship. Are you with this man out of habit or out of true love? Would a man in love expect the one he loves to bear a burden which his loved one has expressed such dissatisfaction about? The Sage hears in your words the description of a little boy, not of a grown man, and urges you to strongly reconsider your upcoming marriage.

The next Seeker has decide that - after nearly two decades of marriage - she is unhappy in her current relationship, but too insecure to live on her own. However, she seeks advice on how to explain her need to "explore" on her own to her husband.

The Sage is curious as to what you expect to happen. You have set boundaries on the limits of what you will do, yet expect the Sage to provide a panacea for your wanderlust. You admit to experiencing a crisis of sorts. Perhaps you need to speak to your gynecologist or endocrinologist before you make any rash decisions, hurting your husband of many years and possibly burning one too many bridge behind yourself.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Sage sprouts

The Sage has emerged from the mystic cave this morning, eager to engage a new crop of Seekers, who may be found here

1. The first Seeker rents a room from a single woman slightly older than himself. One morning she appeared in his room while he was unclothed, and her conversations since have become more frequent and more personal.

The Sage believes you should pounce upon this opportunity at once. While the Sage certainly would not recommend that you violate the sanctity of your marital vows, you might make the landlady believe that you intend to. Make your discussions much more direct and salacious, and when she suggests something more, ask about a reduction of the rent. Once this is accomplished, install small deadbolts to each entrance of your quarters and avoid her at all costs.

2, The second Seeker has a daughter who is the product of an extramarital affair. The Seeker's wife adopted the child, and all seems well. However, nosy individuals want to know more details as to the child's origins.

Simply put, the Sage urges you to tell them that this information is personal and therefore is none of their business.

3. Next we have a Seeker who wishes to have drawn permanently upon his body a memorial to his late grandparents. His mother gets quite dramatic about her objection to tatooes.

The Sage wonders whether this is information you really must share with your mother. If she objects so, the tatoo might be placed somewhere that she would never need to see it. The Sage would be remiss not to add that while memorials are nice, one's body might not be the best place for them. Everyone has had parents; therefore, everyone has had grandparents, and there will undoubtedly be others in your life whom you will lose to death. Consider a memorial that would be more in keeping with their daughter's feelings, but you are free to do whatever you eventually decide.

4. Finally, we have a Seeker whose office mate microwaves oatmeal with tuna every morning. The Seeker suggests a variety of resolutions, including getting an air freshener for the Seeker's cubicle.

The Sage agrees that treating the air in your own cubicle is the most viable solution, especially if you can find one which continues to treat the air all day. Consider also adding a fan, in order to blow the odors back toward your office mate.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Sage-rise musings

Good morning, Seekers and Acolytes. The Sage has arisen early today so that the entrance to the Mystic Cave might be clear this week. The Seekers for this week may be found here

The First Seeker's sister is dating a registered sex offender, convicted of having molested a younger sister. The sister claims he was innocent and falls back on the accusation of the Seeker's family being "non-Christian" in choosing not to forgive him and permit him around the various minor nephews and nieces.

The Seeker tends to lean heavily to the side of protection of our young. Forgiveness can be a wonderful thing; however, the old expression of "Fool me once shame on you; fool me twice shame on me" comes into play here. Every criminal feigns innocence. Some are genuine in their denial of guilt. However, short of convening a trial with your fammily members as judge and jury, the only way to ascertain the validity of this man's claim of innocence is to discover his on-going abuse of a new batch of children. If you and yours wish to use your own children as subjects of this experiment, then you do not deserve the title of "parents."

The Seeker via video letter enjoys attending musical; however, the Seeker's close friend who usually attends with the Seeker sings or hums to every song she knows during the performance.

The Sage recommends that you explain to your friend that while she has a beautiful voice (or not!), you have paid to hear these professionals do the singing for now. Add that she may sing to her heart's content following the performance. Or, simply turn to her and ask, "Who's sings this?" When she answers the character on stage, say, "Let him."

The next Seeker sent inexpensive gifts to in-laws, warning them in advance that they would be less magnificent than usual. The mother-in-law send back her gift, claiming it was cheap and inappropriate, and demanded the return of her own gift to the Seeker.

The Sage is confused. You stated that this purse was a "gift", not account receivable on account of items paid. More importantly, how is it that "you" are giving these gifts, and not your spouse, the mother-in-law's child? Inform him (or her) of what has transpired and allow him to deal with the matter. The Sage strongly discourages you from returning her gift, explaining that once she gave it away, she lost control of its disposition. If this incident means that you no longer with this woman, consider it a win.

The next Seeker to approach the Mystic Cave has diagnosed a former coworker's difficulties in remaining employed as evidence that he has Asperger's Syndrome, and wishes to send him to a medical professional for help.

The Sage thinks your plan of explaining to this man that he is somehow deficient and needs medical intervention is magnificent. Certainly, simply advising him that he needs to find a position with limited contact with the public would not sufficiently establish your fine credentials as an unlicensed diagnostician. The Sage commends your ingenuity.

(Note to lesser Advisor: Asperger's is NOT a "mental condition", but a neurological developmental disorder. Thanks for the disinformation.)

Today's final Seeker plays high stakes poker with several friends, one of whom has been seen cheating on several occasions.

Thank you for this simple question. The Sage knows that the best thing to do is to wait until the cheater makes his move, point out the act, and order him to go, leaving any and all winnings on the table. Permit him to return, continuing to be vigilant as to his subterfuge. After he has been caught enough times with large enough stakes remaining, you should each have won back any of his ill-gotten gains. However, it would be more entertaining to hire a pair of actors dressed as policement to break into the game, preferably on cue from just outside the door upon your text command.