Thursday, August 26, 2010

Collateral Sage

The Minions have managed to locate a group of Seekers who have or need other Sources of Wisdom, and will be so referred.

1. The first Seeker in need of other Wisdom is a young man with a tiny child, whose wife began to strike him during and argument, and who struck the woman back. He is duly remorseful, but this cannot continue.

The Sage is concerned that this is not an appropriate question for "entertainment only" Advisors. This needs to be dealt with promptly through a professional. With a child now in the the household, tensions will only get higher. Either of you could have called the police during the incident, which could ahve meant both of you in jail and your child in foster care. Concentrate on anger management and marriage counselling. You each could learn something, or many things. For instance, she need to find a way to express herself without losing her temper, and you need to learn to listen to what she is saying rather than defending yourself. While you do not perceive yourself as distant, she has another definition, which you will not learn either by her screaming nor by your "listing ways" that she is wrong. Ask yourselves, is this the marriage you want to model for your child, that your child might one day incorporate as an "ideal" marriage?

2. The next Seeker is a student who believes she has Asperger's Syndrome.

The Sage must find new Minions. These are not entertainment-value concerns. Speak to your school counselor. That is why schools have them, to assist the students in finding their own right path to adulthood.

3. Our only Seeker truly needing the Sage's advice is one who sent cards to newly widowed aunts rather than miss a planned vacation.

The Sage is relieved to see you. It is absolutely so much more important for your children to meet Mickey or for you to turn beet red at the beach than it is to attend the funerals of your uncles. After all, the uncles are dead and will not miss you. The funeral is for them, not for the surviving aunts or cousins. They need to get past this minor setback in their lives and understand that your vacation plans are paramount.

4. Our final Seeker has found a Guru to follow, but resists the new status as Minion.

The Sage commends this gentleman on locating his own Minions and for fully comprehending the meaning of the word, "temporary". You absolutely must not disturb the natural order. By no means may you tell this gentleman that you are unable to continue to provide your services. Certainly his recruiting you as a Minion far outweighs whatever it is the company hired you to do. Even when your temporary assignment end, you must do whatever it takes to continue in your responsibilities to your Overseer, even if you must drive across town with his slices of bread. Also, should anyone suggest such silliness as a grocery which delivers, shield this man from their interference.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Bringing in the Sage

The Sage has had a truly busy schedule this summer, between dealing with a large bear in the Mystic Cave and having gone on Pilgrimage. As such, several quieter Seekers have waited patiently for a turn at hearing the Sage's Wisdom for their lives. The Sage will attempt to address some of the more pressing issues.

The first of this pair of Seekers is the wife in a blended family. She kisses her daughter on the cheek, but her husband kisses his own on the lips, which the Seeker finds to be a sensual action.

The Sage applauds your efforts to come between your husband and his small child. Most new wives suppress their jealousy of their husband's time, attention, and reminder of a previous sexual relationship, but you have permitted yours to flourish into a fully blooming paranoia. The Sage sees several possible actions. Murder the child and report her "missing", as other step-mother figures have done in the past. Continue your whisper campaign with your own daughter - whose age you conveniently have failed to specify - until your husband and his daughter both see how perverse this loving peck must be. Or you may continue to nag at the man in an attempt to he himself as a pedophile until he recognizes you for the jealous Harpie that you are and removes you from the lives of both himself and his daughter. Any of these will ensure that you no longer have to witness this lecherous behavior on the part of your husband.

The second Seeker in this early procession wishes to assist her new love and others with whom she has contact in their use of the English language.

The Sage commends your intention at preserving your native tongue in the form which it has had for ... well, not that long, actually. While it is the duty of English teachers and similar instructors to correct the pupils under their tutelage as to the proper form and function of each word and each sentence, it is the duty of a sweetheart to listen to the meaning behind the actual words. However, you certainly have the Sage's permission to correct each and every misstatement of both the man you are dating and any others whom you overhear abusing the language, provided that you do so in a clear, projecting voice which will draw this error to the attention of any within earshot. This should greatly minimize the poor grammar to which you are subjected.

Our next brace of Seekers begins with a teenager whose mother seems to feel is her confidante.

The Sage has compassion for you, as you are yet a child and being asked to assume a very adult role, which you recognize as extremely inappropriate for you. You fear hurting your mother's feelings, and the Sage knows that you must harbor some concerns about your livelihood should you push your mother away too hard. In situations like this, a close at hand school counselor may be your first line of defense. If this is not an opton or has proven unfruitful in the past, the Sage suggests that you let your mother begin her soliloquy, and gently interrupt. Practice phrases like, "I know you're angry with him, but he's still my father," and "I really don't think I'm the best person for you to discuss this with." After using one of your well-rehearsed phrases on your mother, excuse yourself from the room, even if you have just begun dinner. You won't enjoy a meal with this going on, anyway.

The Seeker chaperoning the teen to the Mystic Cave is a woman whose sister appears to undermine the Seeker at every opportunity.

The Seeker laments your unsettled childhood and bemoans your loss of a once close sister. However, as she has told you to "get over" your problems while remaining one of them, the Sage endorses you to sever as many ties with this woman as is necessary to maintain the physical health of your child, the emotional health of your fiance, and your own mental health.

As it turns out, there was not such a plethora of Seekers as the Sage had originally thought. One Seeker has actually attempted to return for a second opinion! However, the Sage has permitted Lesser advisors to deal with those lesser dilemmas. Those Minions simply must be disciplined over permitting such banal and redundant entreaties to come before the Sage!

However, other Seekers in need of the Sage's wisdom are invited to sidestep the Minions by contacting the Sage directly via Oracle.DelFly at The usual punctuation mark has been redacted to ellude robotic troublemakers. Seekers are also encouraged to consider additional Advisors to be found at

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Sage what you mean

This week's Seekers may be found here.

1. The earliest Seeker accused a man of "cornering" the Seeker as a small child, knowing this was untrue.

The Sage congratulates you on your new and improved memory, but sees no legal ramifications of "unsuppressing" a memory created as a child. While you may have little memory of the details, be assured the man who was castigated as an offender remembers them well, if he is still alive, as do the records at the police department. The Sage does wonder how so young a child knew to claim you had been "cornered in a bathroom" unless at some time you had been, by someone.

2. Next we have a highly-placed professional who wonders if telling someone that a relative is a difficult person so that the relative is not hired makes the Seeker a bad person.

The Sage assures you that you are correct. Wanting to undermine this person before she is even on the short list of candidates does make you a horrible person. If your relative is indeed the difficult person you portray, this will get back to your company. At a minimum, the relative's behaviors will assure she is not with your company long. However, feel free to express to one and all how you feel about this person. This will cement in their heads how alike you and she are.

3. Along comes a Seeker who lied when her boyfriend once asked the number of prior lovers.

The Sage urges you to contact this man at once, to set straight the record of exactly how many male bodies have been crushed up against yours. Better yet, e-mail him a spread sheet with names, dates, number of encounters for each man, preferred positions, locations of each rendezvous, and so forth. Be certain to include crushes as a small child or idolizing of celebrities of either gender. This will highlight positively for him your honesty and virtue.

4. The final Seeker in today's lineup is a non-custodial mother who shares an apartment with a roommate, so her son shares her bed when he is there, unless the Seeker's boyfriend is in her bed, instead.

The Sage is dumbfounded as to how you can let this situation continue. You absolutely must leave your son in your own bed until he is an adult and have your boyfriend take the couch. If your boyfriend is uncomfortable, consider getting a foldout couch for his exclusive use when he comes over. The Sage cannot begin to fathom how a woman with such keen instincts for child-rearing was not granted full and sole custody of this child.

As always, the Minions at the Mystic Cave will be happy to present your dilemma for the Sage's careful consideration. Simply use the e-mail address linked to the main page.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Tardy Sage

The Sage respectfully acknowledges the recent absence, and appreciates the Oracle at DelFly having dealt with Thursday's Seekers. Today's Seekers may be found here:

Due to the sheer volume of Seekers today, synopses will be dispensed with.

Wife-zilla: By all means, the Sage you must inform your wife of who presented her with this anonymous gift. Perhaps after she tosses you out and cuts off her friend, you can hook up with the friend.

Kumquat's Grandma: The Sage cannot see why you would doubt the need to criticize your child on such an important decision. Obviously, no thought at all was put into choosing the name, and the child certainly will be unable to assign himself a nickname of his own choosing when he is a bit older.

Unadopted sibling: The Sage suggests simply not informing your mother of the time and date as a proper way of not inviting her. A more entertaining way might be to inform her of the incorrect time and place.

Horny employee: The Sage suggests going into the boss' office to discuss the matter. Be certain to close the door and to wear something particularly revealing. If you truly wish to derail this budding relationship, make every effort to have this discussion moments before is wife plans to drop in for a surprise lunch.

Poor excuse for a wife: The Sage recommends that the next time you are subjected to these verbal beratings, that you agree wholeheartedly with your husband, pick up your pre-packed suitcase, and walk out the door.

Spoiled rich brat: Lesser advisors would have you ignore these claims as to your character. The Sage, however, realizes that you must embrace the role that has been created for you. When (and if) you subsequently revert to character, your in-laws will be thrilled to note the "change" in you. If your intended doesn't choose to defend you from these allegations on his own, perhaps he agrees with her.

Accidental farter: The Sage has long been aware of the phenomenon that most people cannot place who created any given noise - even if an odor accompannies it - without that person's help. You have a choice either to say, "Excuse me," at a volume comparable to that of the gaseous release, or to look around furtively as if trying to determine the source. The Sage generally prefers the second option in cases such as your own.

(Note to "Jane": Odd names are typically an asset to females, but a detriment to males. You are neither Seeker nor Advisor. Go away.)

Blabby medico: The Sage generally does not address matters of law, which yours is. The only recourse is to approach the former patient, and to suggest that he come clean to your cousin.

Non-kisser: The Sage too is not free with public affections, particular to those with whom the Sage has never shared a bed nor parented. As the direct approach nor deflection has worked, consider screaming and slapping the perpetrators.

Parent-to-be's sibling: The Sage wonders how this is any of your business? Surely adults are capable of adjusting their lifestyles to accommodate a child. If you find the as yet un-begun child is either neglected or abused, the Sage is certain that you will do your duty and report same.

(Note to future Bridezilla: Again, neither Seeker nor Advisor. The Sage has surmised that those who were direct were castigated, and the friend - apparently rightly - feared further abuse. Go away and join "Jane".)

(Final note to SP's Granny: Go join the others. Stay away from the Mystic Cave unless you have a question to ask of the Sage.)

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Early morning Sage

Greetings, Seekers and Acolytes. The Sage is early to the mouth of the Mystic Cave, by virtue of being late to other duties. Alas. The Minions have been hard put to find worthy Seekers of late, but the Sage will still address these which have been found. Today's full entreaties may be found here Below is a fragment of each, followde by the Sage's counsel.

1. Our first Seeker has an adult daughter questing to find the Golden Father. The first candidate was considered father by default, as the other "proved" his sterility. However, the first candidate failed the DNA test.

The Sage commends you on creating this lengthy quest for the young woman. Nothing can compare to developing a reltionship with one's own father, only to find out that this is not so. How much more delighted she will be to discover that the other candidate managed to "prove" that he could not be he, yet must be. The Sage hopes that you have similar names and stories lined up after bachelor number 2, as it sounds like he will not be as willing to contempplat the possibility as bachelor number 1 was. The fact that neither wanted to step up to the plate to have "anything to do with" this young woman likely only serves her determination to force someone's hand. Give her the information she seeks. He can't be any worse than the first one.

Incidentally, the Sage has never heard of anyone requiring a blood test to be mentioned in a will before, and suspects this was merely the ploy he used hoping to get out of having to acknowledge her to his legally recognized family. The Sage wonders whether he indeed used his own DNA for the test, as some tests use samples collected at home and mailed in.

2. Our second Seeker is a law firm intern being harased by individuals from the law firm next door to her own.

The Sage cannot fathom why one should wish not to have their own outer beauty constantly acknowledged by such fine, outstanding men, and wonders how their firm came to be the larger one. Have you perhaps seen their associates in traffic, following rapidly behind out-going ambulances? The first impulse was the correct one. If an employee is being harassed at work, as you are, then it is up to the employer to collect any data and file any suits. Before you do this, however, you must inform the gentlemen that this attention is, indeed unwanted. It falls to the employee to gather data when the employer is remiss in these duties. You will not be perceived as a "little girl" by reporting this, but as a woman standing up for what you know to be your rights.

3. Our third Seeker has received a "friend" request from her octogenarian father, but does not wish him to see the Seeker's actual life.

The Sage wonders why you must so zealously shield your father from your real life. However, the Sage encourages you to use a small device that the internet makes readily affordable - the alter ego. Block your father from your primary Facebook account. Create a second one using an alternate e-mail. Inform your ffather that you use this address there in order to keep the spam e-mails to a minimum. You must block him from the other site, however, for this ploy to work. You might also enlist the help of a few others to maintain the appearance that this is the site you normally use, by posting comments of a G-rated nature every now and then.

4. Our last Seeker is perhaps the most touching in a while. The Seeker is divorced and engage to another divorced individual. However, a "friend" bemoans the fact that the happy coouple fails to argue with suffiecient frequency for the friend's liking.

The Sage implores you to remember that while you did have regular strong arguments with your first husband, you and he are no longer together. Different couples have different communication styles, and certainly the one in which neither one shouts nor demeans the other is in truth the healthiest for both parties involved. Ignore your "friend". Some people like to throw rocks at hornets nests and dislike seeing anyone happier than themselves.