Monday, August 16, 2010

Tardy Sage

The Sage respectfully acknowledges the recent absence, and appreciates the Oracle at DelFly having dealt with Thursday's Seekers. Today's Seekers may be found here:

Due to the sheer volume of Seekers today, synopses will be dispensed with.

Wife-zilla: By all means, the Sage you must inform your wife of who presented her with this anonymous gift. Perhaps after she tosses you out and cuts off her friend, you can hook up with the friend.

Kumquat's Grandma: The Sage cannot see why you would doubt the need to criticize your child on such an important decision. Obviously, no thought at all was put into choosing the name, and the child certainly will be unable to assign himself a nickname of his own choosing when he is a bit older.

Unadopted sibling: The Sage suggests simply not informing your mother of the time and date as a proper way of not inviting her. A more entertaining way might be to inform her of the incorrect time and place.

Horny employee: The Sage suggests going into the boss' office to discuss the matter. Be certain to close the door and to wear something particularly revealing. If you truly wish to derail this budding relationship, make every effort to have this discussion moments before is wife plans to drop in for a surprise lunch.

Poor excuse for a wife: The Sage recommends that the next time you are subjected to these verbal beratings, that you agree wholeheartedly with your husband, pick up your pre-packed suitcase, and walk out the door.

Spoiled rich brat: Lesser advisors would have you ignore these claims as to your character. The Sage, however, realizes that you must embrace the role that has been created for you. When (and if) you subsequently revert to character, your in-laws will be thrilled to note the "change" in you. If your intended doesn't choose to defend you from these allegations on his own, perhaps he agrees with her.

Accidental farter: The Sage has long been aware of the phenomenon that most people cannot place who created any given noise - even if an odor accompannies it - without that person's help. You have a choice either to say, "Excuse me," at a volume comparable to that of the gaseous release, or to look around furtively as if trying to determine the source. The Sage generally prefers the second option in cases such as your own.

(Note to "Jane": Odd names are typically an asset to females, but a detriment to males. You are neither Seeker nor Advisor. Go away.)

Blabby medico: The Sage generally does not address matters of law, which yours is. The only recourse is to approach the former patient, and to suggest that he come clean to your cousin.

Non-kisser: The Sage too is not free with public affections, particular to those with whom the Sage has never shared a bed nor parented. As the direct approach nor deflection has worked, consider screaming and slapping the perpetrators.

Parent-to-be's sibling: The Sage wonders how this is any of your business? Surely adults are capable of adjusting their lifestyles to accommodate a child. If you find the as yet un-begun child is either neglected or abused, the Sage is certain that you will do your duty and report same.

(Note to future Bridezilla: Again, neither Seeker nor Advisor. The Sage has surmised that those who were direct were castigated, and the friend - apparently rightly - feared further abuse. Go away and join "Jane".)

(Final note to SP's Granny: Go join the others. Stay away from the Mystic Cave unless you have a question to ask of the Sage.)


  1. Oh Great SAge, "screaming and slapping the perp" works every time, well almost....

  2. Maybe he'd take notice, at least. At worst, the in-laws will avoid her as a nut.