Thursday, November 5, 2009

A Pinch of Sage

Today's Seekers appear to be a rather youthful lot who are greatly in need of the Sage's great wisdom.

1. The Sage believes that the vibrator is certainly a safer alternative to most partners one is like to find. Ignore what You-Know-Who said; she fears that her own child might bring up this subject and is projecting this fear onto you. The Sage sees some real advantages to discussing this with your mother. Instead of the cheap model with flash around the edges, perhaps your mother would be willing to invest in the deluxe model for you. After all, Christmas is coming. As a nurse, perhaps she will even help you maintain the machine, to ensure it remains sanitary. Above all, her relief that your partner is merely of the mechanical sort might mean she would be willing to extend your curfew.

2. The Sage recommends that you insist on determining this man's fertility immediately. In fact, the Sage is aghast that this was not part of the 83-part questionaire you had him complete before going out with him. Be certain to have him get a complete physical, including genetic testing, along with a complete background check and a financial analysis. Anything less would be tantamount to agreeing to live in poverty with a man who had a vascectomy in prison, and who is supporting his genetically deficient children left over from a previous failed marriage.

3. The Sage encourages you to force your father's hand immediately. Go at once to his home, and explain to your younger half-brother how to set up the various booby traps you once employed, so that he might follow in your footsteps. This act of love toward your sibling should certainly endear you further to your father. Insist to your father that the entire family - there may be additional siblings - simply must be at your wedding in order for you to maintain your facade as a well-balanced person in front of your new in-laws. Don't forget to sit your father and his family next to your mother at the reception, as well.

4. The Sage is confused as to why someone as trustworthy and efficient as yourself has not yet been given the key to the executive washroom. You must remedy this situation as best you can. The instant the workman enters the restroom, bang on the door and remind him to lower the seat when he is finished. Wait at the door and inspect the room when he exits. You can acquire a "grabber" at a medical supply store, so that the seat may be lowered (loudly, of course) if he is remiss in this duty. Then use the grabber to pick up his socks and deposit them with a flourish upon his desk. Announce in a loud yet clear voice that he obvious has forgotten to reclaim his hosery. Inform him that if the socks are no longer needed, there is a disposal bin handy for the purpose of removing unwanted articles.

8 comments:

  1. Oh Sage, how I miss your wisdom on The Fray! (I have to wait until I can get home on Thursday nights to read your expert advice.)

    I LOVE every answer!!!

    1)Christmas is coming.
    2)the 83-part questionaire you had him complete before going out with him...a man who had a vascectomy in prison, and who is supporting his genetically deficient children left over from a previous failed marriage
    3)explain to your younger half-brother how to set up the various booby traps you once employed...Don't forget to sit your father and his family next to your mother at the reception
    4)Wait at the door and inspect the room when he exits. You can acquire a "grabber" at a medical supply store, so that the seat may be lowered (loudly, of course)

    Extraordinary!!

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  2. Yay for the sage's 83-part questionaire! And for the other great quips as well. :-)

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  3. Flush the socks!! Make sure the toilet backs up on the dirty birdie!

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  4. I agree 100% with Pooham. Awesome!

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  5. OH Great Sage Oracle!

    Ah, if only I would I could have been the beneficiary of your knock your socks off advice before marrying my ex., though 83 questions might not have been quite sufficient to ward off the ensuing strings of catastrophes....

    As for the socks, whether knocked off or not, I agree they should be flushed down the toilet but only after the LW pees on them. And then she should tell her supervisor all the specific details of the fine job she has been doing policing the bathroom --surely, she'll get a raise...

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