Thursday, July 29, 2010

Sage advice for flailing Seekers

This week's Seekers:

1. The Sage recommends that you step into the time machine conveniently parked in the cavern next door and go back to when you were only dating this gorgerous, hairy man. Tell your other self that above all she/you must not have carnal relations with him under any circumstance, as she/you produce a hairy daughter with a unibrow. Return to the present, and if you failed to alter the timeline, take the child at once to the nearest adoption agency, or at least pack up and leave her upbringing to her hairier side of the family.

2. The Sage clearly sees what you do not, that if you proceed with this wedding, every event will be a tit-for-tat affair. "I know you changed the last diaper, but I changed a poopy one, and that counts for three." "Yes, You washed and dried my jeans, but I walked your dog last night." The Sage recommends that you take up with the husband of Seeker #1, should she follow the Sage's recommendations and let her husband keep the little Capuchin. Failing that, you might consider prolonging the engagement until you are certain that this is indeed the man you hope to spend the next 75 long years with.

3. The Sage does not need to provide your answer, as you have already. You say to them, "I'm hurt about [your] lack of concern and would like to be treated by [you] once in a while." You might even add "apparent" before "lack". However, this is the bed you have made and in which you must now poorly lie.

4. The Sage acknowledges that there are those who feel that romantic encounters, particularly initial ones, should include a grand and extravagent display of wealth, whether one has such wealth or not. However, the Sage wonders whether you might be happier with someone who, like you, sees this as a fine way to have that which you normally might be able to afford. Be certain, however, that you tip based on what the price would have been had you been without the coupon.


  1. O, great Oracle, again you prove why your sagacity exceeds my foul attitude in this milieu: I clearly missed the perfect solution of pairing The witless Z-Bride from letter 2 with the hairy miscreated beast with the genetic marker for the unibrow in letter 1. Mix the two, you get what? A foul-mouthed hairy bitch, that's what.

    Fine work, Your Greatness.

  2. Great Wise One (not to be confused with "Great Wise Ass --that's another Sage altogether).

    Great advice, particularly about the time machine. Is there a way I can find that cavern and do a bit of traveling in the gizmo?

    And of course it's sage to use whatever coupon came your way to take someone to a restaurant (how about the one at the nearest casino buffet --oh, sorry, that only gets us oldtimers excited, stampeding, ripping coupons out of the hand of the weakest --who can easily be recognized by the horrendous scars left on her forehead when her mother ripped her unibrow off with her bare hands 70 years ago... and now the poor thing can't even protect her coupon against hungry hordes of hairless old foggies --how tragic!)

  3. The Sage had wondered what might have happened had these inauspicious Seekers been melded into one via an unfortunate transporter mishap. Kati has resolved this quandry quite well.