Thursday, September 23, 2010

Jocko and the Sage

Greetings, Seekers! The Sage has had to enlist Jocko and the boys to resolve the technical difficulties which were clouding the Crystal Sphere and making channeling the Sage ever so difficult. Jocko has graciously offered to provide his and his colleages' services while the Sage dispensers Wisdom to this week's Seekers

1. Seeker was terrorized by a mean teacher as a child, and has discover said teacher is still employed by the same district.

The Sage is stupified that such a travesty has been permitted to persist for such a lengthy period. As you were unable to remedy this egregiousness in your youth, and will be discounted now as having a faulty memory of the situation, you have only two remedies from which to choose. The more memorable of these, naturally, is to hold this teacher and her class hostage, and after releasing the innocents, termiate both this beast and yourself. A significantly less painful route would be to have Jocko and the boys remove her tongue, so that she would be unable to continue inher current profession. Her plight would also serve as a warning to those who might dare intimidate you in the future.

2. Seeker and two other ladies own a business. While the dresscode is relatively formal, one owner does not seem to feel this includes supportive undergarments.

The Sage is dumbfounded that such a condition could persist a mere 2-plus years before the end of the Mayan long-count calendar. It is apparent that this harlot is incapable of conducting herself professionally. Either have Jocko and the boys explain the seriousness of her offense, or buy her out before she drives your enterprise into sure bankruptcy.

And now, a word from our Minions:

All right, all you Seekers and Acolytes out there. Do you think we do this for our health? No! We have to eat, too, you know, and if the Sage doesn't start getting some better Seekers showing up a tthe Mystic Cave, we may find ourselves without a cavern over our heads. So let's get some feedback here, and be sure to submit your personal dilemmas to our Great Sage at Don't make us call Jocko and the boys! We now return you to your regularly scheduled Mystic.

3. Seeker's husband finally is employed, but hours are too long to see his son in the evening.

The Sage fails to understand why this is an issue. At age 16-months, your son doesn't require the same hours as other children his age. Either adjust his day to stay up until after his father is home, or get the child up earlier to see him. He will adjust. Perhaps you could also enlist Jocko and the boys to explain to your husband colleagues how playing with his toddler is so much more important than feeding him.

4. Daughter's friend likes to sleep over, but is finicky about meals.

The Sage recognizes how this can be a life altering situation for your family. Obviously, the simplest solution would be for your to feed your own family junk food at every meal, in case one of their friends should chance to be at the table with you. Disregard lesser Advisors who might suggest that the child eat before coming over, or that she be told that this is the meal for tonight and how sorry you are that she won't be able to enjoy it with the rest of you. You definitely need Jocko and the boys to pay a visit to the child before her next outing to your home, to explain what might happen to little girls who fail to be appreciative of what is set before them.


  1. Oh mighty Sage, please do not call Jocko and the boys upon us - we'll comment, we'll comment, just don't call JatB! No idea who those are but they sure do sound menacing!

    Anyway, my solution for all these is... vinegar! Yes, I know, you've been told that Windex is the universal panacea but they were wrong!

    1. Wash her mouth with vinegar every time she bullies a child! Better yet, wait until you are hired there - you never know, you might NOT get the job!

    2. Tell the third partner that she needs to soak her boobies in vinegar overnight if she insists on going braless - it's a well known remedy for sagginess!

    3. Wife needs to smell vinegar every time she becomes hysterical because she feels like her husband ought to be there for her 24/7 and she wants to blame it on the baby! If that doesn't work she could also smell one of last year's unemployment checks, that should do the trick!

    4. Serve the girl at the beginning of the dinner a glass of vinegar - anything else afterward should taste mighty good! Or you could ask her parents to feed her before coming over to play or brown bag her dinner if she has special needs...

    I know I cannot dream to reach the paramount of wisdom that the Sage masters so well, I merely hope that I pleased the Sage with my comments...

  2. Ahoy, oh mighty and great Sage! Good advice, all around. Is there no problem in the world that can't be solved by Jocko and the Boys? They sound quite capable! :-) The first LW does seem like she might old a class hostage, doesn't she--if, as you say, she gets the job. Oh, the naivty of youth. If only I could get it back. ;-)

    Good stuff, Sagely One! :-)

  3. Am I dreaming? Isn't Jocko a giant parrot?