Sage and Pepper

Today's hapless Seeker's may be found here. http://www.slate.com/id/2269153/

1. Former friends of Seeker's late parents threaten to make public pornographic videos of the parents and "friends."

The Sage commends you on your admirable submission of a fake dilemma. At last, the Minions have found fodder worthy of the Sage's prescient Wisdom. The most entertaining solution to this situation, naturally, would be to offer to show the videos to their own family and friends. If these ever even existed, your parents almost certainly destroyed them during your move.

2. Seeker's father is retiring. Seeker's sister refuses to come unless everyone at the party sings "Happy Birthday" to her boyfriend, known to none of the father's coworkers.

The Sage fails to see where the problem is. Simply tell your sister that all of you will see her the next day. Also mention that years from now, when her children ask why she isn't in the pictures of the event, you'll be more than happy to explain it to them.

3. Seeker's wife works at a menial job. Seeker is embarassed to tell his coworkers.

The Sage recommends that you quit your job with all the snooty advertising executives, and join your wife at her fast food job, so that she will no longer be embarassed to tell her own coworkers what you do for a living.

4. Seeker's friend requests that the Seeker take a college course, pretending to be the friend.

The Sage suggests that you do as requested. You will learn a new language, and may hear additional new words when the instructor asks for your identification at the final.