Today' Seekers may be for here. http://www.slate.com/id/2254228/ All appear to have something to do with work situations, or in the case of the ex-spouse of the first Seeker, finding something to do with years of experience stamping out license plates.
1. The Sage would have you tread on the side of caution regarding protection of your children. However, unless and until the boy's father, whom you chose to mate with, gives up his rights to his son or has them removed by court order, you must permit visitation. The Sage recommends that you first consult an attorney to ensure that this man is still legally permitted to be around young boys. Assuming he is - that his crime was of a non-violent nature such as public urination, insist on supervised visitation only. Have your current husband and another male, preferably a blood relative of your son, remain in your home while you take your daughter elsewhere. When the visit is over, return home and debrief your husband. No, not THAT type of debriefing; find out what happened during your absence. The Sage suspects that the glitter will wear quickly off of seeing his son and being asked about support, without the ex being able to have the boy alone or to have you there to start an argument with. Ask the attorney how long the ex must go without contact or support payments for you to petition the court to terminate his rights for abandonment, unless he is willing to do so without a protracted fight.
Incidentally, if step-parent becomes a possibility, ask the boy before having the step-father adopt him. Some children have different worries than the adults expct which should be addresssed, and others simply do not wish to be adopted at all. Make sure your husband knows that if your marriage ends, he will be responsible for support, but probably denied visitation. That was the case at least for the men whom the Sage has met who had adopted step-children and subsequently divorced the mother.
2. The Sage recommend that you lay it on the line with these recruiters and with any potential employers or contacts who make the same inquiry. Remind them that millions of people are without gainful employment, and that you highly resent any implication that you have been lax in your attempts to alter your situation. Do not fail to ask as to whether their own positions might be available soon. Be certain to whine about difficulties you may have had which are beyond that which you perceive most unemployed individuals have endured. These tips should avoid the danger of competing with the many other under- or unemployed Seekers you may encounter.
3. The Sage believes in the axiom, "The more, the merrier." You most definitely should interfere with your mother-in-law's attack upon your alma mater. Decisively defend your mother and your uncle, and any other friends or family who happen to be involved in this in-bred, er ... well-bred institution of learning. Eventually, the fall-out should include your in-laws, your family of origin, and countless ... well, several others involved in some capacity with this school. At some point, your school should make the news, perhaps even the national news, so that millions of others may also know of your ire at your mother-in-law's over-zealous defense of her child. This near-adult (the graduate) should not be molly-coddled in the least, nor should her classmates. The enormous embarassment resulting from the character assassination of her peers and public ridicule of her educational background is minimal compared to ensuring that you are correct, even if it means that your family must begin a new school for your own daughter someday to attend.
4. The Sage is aware of the many varied things which can go on behind a closed door, and the greater variety of things which may be imagined by those with less than pure minds. Since the woman has been laid off, she probably has no standing at the conference other than as a hopeful passing out resumes and generally annoying the company representatives who will be attending to promote their companies. Doubtless they would not want to be pestered by well-qualified and interested candidates for any positions available within their businesses. Stand your ground and insist that this woman stay home, or failing that, find the means to pay for her own room. The Sage has been informed that many young and adventurous women find many forms of temporary employment and temporary quarters during conventions, especially from middle-aged men whose wives are not in attendance. In addition, demand that you be permitted to accompany this man to the conference. Keep abreast of him every moment, eyeing each woman or metro-sexual male with suspicion. Question him endlessly as to the motivation behind each glance and each word spoken by him or toward him. In this way, you can be positive that you never again need to concern yourself as to his faithfulness to you.
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O Great Sage ~ although your advice is certainly wise, as always, there's just a minor technicality that I feel you should be aware of. Of course, this may vary in your state, but in most jurisdictions ~
ReplyDeleteAlthough the arrangement for "supervised visitation" as you've described it may be a possibility if it were arranged between the parents, absent of court intervention ~ this is not an arrangement that the courts would allow unless all parties agreed to it.
For typical supervised visitation situations, each party submits to the court a list of people they consider appropriate supervisors for the visit. If there is a person (or persons) that appear on both person's list (in other words, someone each party agrees to) then the court will allow that person to supervise the visit. Very rarely does the visitation take place in either party's home, unless the child is an infant, but rather in a neutral place such as church, or a park, etc., so that the visit is not on any one party's "home turf".
Most people who sign up as "supervisors" have no idea what they're getting themselves in for, and often drop out quickly, as time constraints on their own life and the feeling of being "caught in the middle" are to much for them to handle.
Sometimes, the court has good reason to want a neutral third party to be supervisor ~ someone mandated by law and trained to observe and report back to the courts as to the interaction between parent and child(ren). As you can imagine, these people have a difficult job, and I have known visitation supervisors who have received threats against them for perceived slights and biases felt by the parent being supervised.
Excellent work on #4, Great Sage. ;)
I agree with MM on the advice for #4, oh great and wonderful Sage! It's quite nice, and the final sentence, "In this way, you can be positive that you never again need to concern yourself as to his faithfulness to you" is as true and wonderfully ironic as it is wise and snarky. Excellent stuff! :-)
ReplyDeleteTrue, the Sage's arrangement would only be satisfactory in a private arrangement. Obviously in this case, the rights of the child and each biological parent would be best protected through court order, but naturally, this Seeker seems reluctant to involve the courts, other than in an ill-conceived attempt to force the biological father to relinquish his rights in order to permit a rather unnecessary adoption.
ReplyDeleteThe Sage's Advisors have counselled that most rights and responsibilities of fatherhood can be conferred upon the step-parent through legal paperwork, such as permission to seek medical treatment for the boy or custofy of the child should the mother die; although, the latter would surely involve other family members on either side arguing that they themselves would be a more appropriate guardian. However, should the current marriage fail, the "new" father of the boy would still be required to meet certain responsibilities toward the child, even while possibly being denied rights such as visitation.