Thursday, March 18, 2010

Surly Sage

The Sage continues to marvel at the waste of time, energy, and alertness imposed upon our society in a semi-annual attempt to pretend that the sun is overhead when it is still on th e rise. The Sage has yet to comprehend why people who wish to have an earlier evening simply do not themselves begin their days an hour earlier, rather than insisting that the world join them in this costly jest.

However, the Sage will now continue onto answering this week's Seekers, who may be found here:

1. The Sage commends you on your strong memory and fully supports your right to find fault in a young man who, being the same age as yourself, was himself being babysat when these terrible crimes occurred. The earth has a long history of community responsibility, by which an entire culture must be punished for the crimes of any of its members. How enlighted you are to confine this merely to anyone who shares DNA with your molestor! By all means, you must announce to this young man the sins of his father - oops, GRANDfather, who surely tutored him daily on how to select his young, innocent victims and must certainly have given him a list of former victims to terrorize. Hesitate not to make this announcement during class, so that this apprentice reprobate might have his reputation ruined for life, lest he ever consider repeating his ancestor's actions, for which the youth must surely himself be guilty.

2. The Sage realizes that this child must be permanently traumatized by what he saw, as evidence by the fact that he has not mentioned it to you. Naturally, he could not possibly think that Mommy and Daddy were "playing" when he entered the room. Certainly, the mere fact that he was able to calmly explain his bright breakfact concept proves that he can no longer think clearly, being totally obsessed with what sort of games his parents involve themselves in during his nightly absences. Sit the child down immediately with the "Kama Sutra", in order to help enlighten him in the truth of what he may have seen in the dark. Have your husband available, to provide live interpretaions of anything about which he may be unclear. If your child is fortunate, your adult friends will get wind of his eduation, and the society will find him a more suitable household in which to be reared.

3. The Sage fails to comprehend how any woman might feel protective toward a product of her own womb, who has had only one serious relationship since the age many people are graduating from college, and that with a woman who was at the time the relationship began the age at which most people graduate from high school. This must mest be taught how mature and adult you and her son are, with your vast store of worldly experience. Start surreptitiously, with notes tossed into your beau's laundry, threatening her with vile consequnces should she handle his Joe Boxer's again. Follow this up by screaming at her when he is ill, so that to regain some peace and quiet, he will insist that she leave while he lies feverishly upon his bed. If this fails to cement the role of the primary woman in your swain's life, the Sage fears nothing will.

4. The Sage has heard of these intriguing cards of which you speak. The Sage actually saves every date, as the Sage intends to be immortal, and every date in the future is one which the Sage plans to savor. What the Sage intends to do on these days is a different matter entirely. What the Sage does not intend to do is to shake down complete strangers who might have a decent income to provide niceties for the the Sage's future, nor to respond to requests of those eager to acquire assests from the Mystic Cave. This is a situation for which companies such as Hallmark or American Greetings are extremely convenient. The next time you are visiting your local retailers, acquire a card which wishes this couple well. Sign your name, and your spouse's name if it was listed. Mail this greeting to the happy couple, and consider your obligation to be fulfilled.


  1. Re 1: I think the Sage is a bit cruel. LW doesn't blame his classmate. He just wants help dealing with the feelings raised by seeing someone so close to his molester.

  2. Okay, that interaction was truly most excellent. *golf claps*

  3. I realize you have a gimmick that you're trying to stick with, but it falls apart when you take on a serious issue like the one presented in the first letter.

    In order to keep yourself from looking like an unfunny asshole, you should probably either break character for similar letters or just skip them altogether.

    Or, I guess you could go all "shock-comic" and actually make some jokes about molestation, but that will have a fairly limited appeal to readers.

  4. What's so serious about the first letter? Yes the molestation was serious. Apparently, her parents didn't get her enough therapy at the time, because she wants to "confront" an entirely blameless peer over the actions of his grandparent! No, she doesn't have to date the guy or anything, but she needs to just leave him alone.

  5. The Sage has to be tough, she single handedly invented "tough love"! --and funny, 'cause if you can't laugh at our often ugly world, life might not be worthwhile.....

    Oh and daylight saving gets on my nerves too and I'm nowhere near as sage as the Sage....