Today's Seekers, found at http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/01/sick_spouse_is_it_ok_to_take_a_lover_if_your_husband_can_t_meet_your_needs_.single.html#pagebreak_anchor_2, seem to be created dilemmas from the Lesser Advisor's weekly reading. However, answers will be provided below.
1. The Sage, being such an ancient dispenser of Wisdom, can certainly grasp the enormity of this problem. Sadly, this situation or something like it affects many couples as they age. You, and you alone, are the only person who can answer whether you would be able to do this or whether the guilt would make your proposed situation untenable. Additionally, you must consider what will happen should you develop tender feelings for this hyspothetical individual and what you would be likely to do should this occur.
2. The Sage believes that you have already been far more generous with this woman that any person should be expected to be, when you permitted her to borrow your womb - and indeed, your entire body - for several months. Do not wait until the next large family gathering to speak to her about this situation. Calmly explain that you are delighted that she now has this wonderful daughter. However, it hurts you deeply when she makes these comments about how you appear after having assited her in this way. Tell her simply to refrain from these hurtful comments, adding if necessary that you do not constantly remind her of her inability to bear a child, and that these comments of hers toward you are just as cruel.
3. The Sage would point out that since you hired this individual, he is your responsibility. You are not doing your job of managing him, and must call him into his office to point out in a professional manner how his attitude is undermining the morale within the department. One need not steal the company funds to be disruptive, as you have found out. However, you also must ask yourself how this rather cliquish group seems to the new man. Perhaps when you all get together and chat about past vacations, ask about each others children, pets, and hobbies and use inside jokes, you are inadvertently making him feel like the odd man out, causing him to lash out at each of you.
4. The Sage is bemused that you consider a vacation a time during which any of you need cook. Granted, this can be less expensive and more healthy, but if this is your normal household task, your vacation sounds more like taking your work on the road with you. You must speak to your husband's mother and express your concern that your two households generally do not eat the same. Follow the the assertion that you do not mind cooking for all of you. Then you may suggest that she and her husband might be happier if she cooked for the two of them, and you for thee ones in your own household. At worst, she will not be surprised when you do this on your vacation. Since this obviously will entail more cleanup, you and your husband must be prepared to assist her with cleaning up all the utensils for both of you after each meal. However, if there are many families on this trip, then you need simply to add one or two courses acceptable to you at each meal.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
The Sage addresses bad behaviors.
Today's Seekers may be found here: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/01/make_out_queen_my_bridesmaid_girlfriend_hooked_up_with_three_groomsmen_.single.html#pagebreak_anchor_2
1. The Sage presumes that you never have made out with any women besides your current girlfriend, or that if you have, you moved immediately after it ended to another state in order never to have contact with that women again. Absillutely, you must avoid this wedding and never see this woman again. Do not neglect to move hundreds of miles away from her, in case yo uever find another girlfriend. She deserves to be with a man who can trust her, once she has made a tentative commitment to someone. You obviously are not that man.
2. The Sage suggests that your husband tell his parents that they are adults and may do whatever they wish, whether he approves or not. He must add, however, that he refuses to be involved in any way in these decisions. Encourage your husband to refuse to be executor of their wills one day, as the executor can in some instances, be held fiscally responsible for debts of the estate being handled.
3. The Sage concurs that an adult in a professional setting should not act like a 10-year old. As your husband has found out, this may have serious repercussions. As to your own marriage, insist that the matter now be dropped and not mentioned again by either of you until any trial which may arise from this, but you also need to keep an eye on the household condiments. The Sage disagrees with the Lesser Advisor that your husband's motive was to make his coworker ill, but merely intended to make the coffee taste unpleasant; and recognizes that this still is not the behavior of a responsible adult.
4. The Sage feels almost as bad about your situation as she does about that of the children in this teacher's care. Regardless of circumstance, you must report these actions posthaste. Explain your concerns about your evaluation with the principal, who may be able to provide you a positive evaluation for doing the right thing, or at least locate a different teacher with whom to pair you. These children must not be left in this situation one more day than absolutely necessary. If you are still hesitant, consider that a single parent complaining to a parent may make you equally culpable in the eyes of the principal and your instructors, for having permitted it to continue.
1. The Sage presumes that you never have made out with any women besides your current girlfriend, or that if you have, you moved immediately after it ended to another state in order never to have contact with that women again. Absillutely, you must avoid this wedding and never see this woman again. Do not neglect to move hundreds of miles away from her, in case yo uever find another girlfriend. She deserves to be with a man who can trust her, once she has made a tentative commitment to someone. You obviously are not that man.
2. The Sage suggests that your husband tell his parents that they are adults and may do whatever they wish, whether he approves or not. He must add, however, that he refuses to be involved in any way in these decisions. Encourage your husband to refuse to be executor of their wills one day, as the executor can in some instances, be held fiscally responsible for debts of the estate being handled.
3. The Sage concurs that an adult in a professional setting should not act like a 10-year old. As your husband has found out, this may have serious repercussions. As to your own marriage, insist that the matter now be dropped and not mentioned again by either of you until any trial which may arise from this, but you also need to keep an eye on the household condiments. The Sage disagrees with the Lesser Advisor that your husband's motive was to make his coworker ill, but merely intended to make the coffee taste unpleasant; and recognizes that this still is not the behavior of a responsible adult.
4. The Sage feels almost as bad about your situation as she does about that of the children in this teacher's care. Regardless of circumstance, you must report these actions posthaste. Explain your concerns about your evaluation with the principal, who may be able to provide you a positive evaluation for doing the right thing, or at least locate a different teacher with whom to pair you. These children must not be left in this situation one more day than absolutely necessary. If you are still hesitant, consider that a single parent complaining to a parent may make you equally culpable in the eyes of the principal and your instructors, for having permitted it to continue.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Postdated Sage
The Sage has been speechless the last few days and therefore unable to address this week's Seekers. However, with the assistance of one the the Sage's more vocal Minions, this will be remedied now. As the Sage was unable to speak previously, credit is given to other views postulated by other Advisors.
The Seekers may be found here: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/01/i_farted_in_front_of_my_boyfriend_.single.html
1. The Sage would note that people naturally have gas in their digestive systems, which naturally comes out, one way or the other. If your boyfriend expects a woman who is not a real person, perhaps he would be better off purchasing a Stepford Wife. (The Sage is referring to the type from the book, not from the movie.)
2. The Sage recommends that when someone states that they do not wish to discuss a confidence earlier shared, that the individual means just that. Do not discuss this further, and do not act differently than you did before. When she is ill enough for this to impact her ability to perform as a professional and as a mother, she will then do what needs to be done. Ignore the advice of the busybody Lesser Advisor.*
*Another Advisor has rightfully pointed out that perhaps this individual made up this tale while tipsy, and is now embarassed at the fabrication.
3. The Sage suspects there is a reason that you went to live with your grandmother rather than with your own father, and that you now have seen only a part of the reason. Remind your girlfriend that if you were not with her, you might well be with some other woman, and your father's reaction would be the same. You both need to write him off for the overzealous bigot that he apparently is.
4. The Sage is rather surprised at this alleged dilemma; although, it most certainly does happen that people sometimes hide their income, or else live in a valuable property that they can ill afford to keep.** Be assured that those in the position of making a final decision regarding her financial assistance research the backgrounds of their candidates thoroughly, including determining their applicants' parents approximate net worth. This is not your responsibility.
** Other Advisors have correctly mentioned that people often live on the properties of friends, relatives, employers, or even as boarders; without the owners' income being part of that of the residents'. Others have pointed out that even well-off students may need assistance to attend certain private institutions.
The Seekers may be found here: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2012/01/i_farted_in_front_of_my_boyfriend_.single.html
1. The Sage would note that people naturally have gas in their digestive systems, which naturally comes out, one way or the other. If your boyfriend expects a woman who is not a real person, perhaps he would be better off purchasing a Stepford Wife. (The Sage is referring to the type from the book, not from the movie.)
2. The Sage recommends that when someone states that they do not wish to discuss a confidence earlier shared, that the individual means just that. Do not discuss this further, and do not act differently than you did before. When she is ill enough for this to impact her ability to perform as a professional and as a mother, she will then do what needs to be done. Ignore the advice of the busybody Lesser Advisor.*
*Another Advisor has rightfully pointed out that perhaps this individual made up this tale while tipsy, and is now embarassed at the fabrication.
3. The Sage suspects there is a reason that you went to live with your grandmother rather than with your own father, and that you now have seen only a part of the reason. Remind your girlfriend that if you were not with her, you might well be with some other woman, and your father's reaction would be the same. You both need to write him off for the overzealous bigot that he apparently is.
4. The Sage is rather surprised at this alleged dilemma; although, it most certainly does happen that people sometimes hide their income, or else live in a valuable property that they can ill afford to keep.** Be assured that those in the position of making a final decision regarding her financial assistance research the backgrounds of their candidates thoroughly, including determining their applicants' parents approximate net worth. This is not your responsibility.
** Other Advisors have correctly mentioned that people often live on the properties of friends, relatives, employers, or even as boarders; without the owners' income being part of that of the residents'. Others have pointed out that even well-off students may need assistance to attend certain private institutions.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Sage replies to Monday's Seekers from Tuesday on Wednesday
1. The Sage wonders whether your ex is the gentleman who consulted the Lesser Advisor some time back, inquiring about the wisdom of having sex with the nanny. Your focus does need to be your offspring. The only way to control who their step-mother will be would to ensure that no step-mother is possible. However, homicide might also remove the possibility of them having a mother, as well.
2. The Sage agrees that recipients of gifts must show some appreciation. Perhaps your aunt has gone around a bend most of us would prefer to avoid, and this is why your uncle has finally intervened. Should you receive an old calendar in the future, thank her for the pretty pictures. Some people who do crafts appreciate a good, out of date calendar.
3. The Sage recommends that you and your son each poffer a sincere apology for the accident. In your apology, admit that the item was irreplaceable, but resist the temptation to mention that such treasures should not be left where children might accidentally crash into them.
4. The Sage wonders why your assurance was that you would not tell - yet later did - rather than that someone who truly loves her would forgive her behavior, especially if it was not repeated. Explain now that the boy was upset, and when people are upset, they try and usually succeed to hurt the other person's feelings. The Sage suspects you have unusually high expectations for this small child.
5. The Sage does not believe that your desire to meet your children's new sibling is unreasonable, but does agree that it might be better for you to wait until the child has arrived home, unless an explicit invitation has been extended for you to join the family at the hospital. If you are not sure whether such an invitation to the children was meant to include you, you have the Sage's permission to ask the parents-to-be.
6. The Sage thanks you for not rudely pointing out to your father and uncle how rude they were being to share a private joke in a large setting, much less to be using the cell phone at dinner. Let it go. Perhaps try to separate these children at the next family meal.
7. Which Minion let you in here?
8. You are late. Also, Seekers may only visit the Mystic Cave once with the same concern, especially if it has been resolved. However, grandparents who measure their love for a grandchild based on her newly-revealed biology do not deserve a relationship with her.
9. The Sage must remind you that you have no rights regarding your ex's legally made decisions. Be assured that if she were not of legal majority, he would not be seen in public with her. Under no circumstance may you consider using your children as spies, so do not ask.
10. The Sage disagrees that this woman is your friend. A friend would know that you would have been divorced by now, and would be happy that you are moving on with your life.
11. Again, the Sage must remind you that you have no rights regarding your husband's legally made decisions. Unless you believe your children will be lying awake while your husband and his girlfriend copulate, this is none of your business; it is at least not your place to instruct him on correct behavior.
Any other Seekers gathered at the Mystic Cave to ask how to control an ex's behavior with his or her new love, please leave now.
12. The Sage wonders how you surmised that she forced your father's hand. Perhaps she is retaining your father's estate only until her own death, at which time, the remaining estate will be divided between the progeny both of herself and of your father.
13. The Sage will reply that when your children's emotional well-being is at stake, you must be direct and forthcoming. Explain to your bride that the two of you immediately will taking courses or counselling to help you each know what to expect of the children and how properly to deal with them. Add that this is non-negotiable.
14. The Sage suggests that you continue to see your father when your brother does, so that he is not overwhelmed by your father's beliefs. Once you are both of age, you may each do as you wish regarding this relationship. Your father's mind is made up, and he does not wish to be confused with facts, such as that he was not refused permission to see each of you, despite of his warped opinions.
15. The Sage would prefer that you speak privately with this person and explain that this behavior was ill advised, but not as ill advised as posting this picture in a public place. Encourage her to remove the picture and not to repeat the behavior.
2. The Sage agrees that recipients of gifts must show some appreciation. Perhaps your aunt has gone around a bend most of us would prefer to avoid, and this is why your uncle has finally intervened. Should you receive an old calendar in the future, thank her for the pretty pictures. Some people who do crafts appreciate a good, out of date calendar.
3. The Sage recommends that you and your son each poffer a sincere apology for the accident. In your apology, admit that the item was irreplaceable, but resist the temptation to mention that such treasures should not be left where children might accidentally crash into them.
4. The Sage wonders why your assurance was that you would not tell - yet later did - rather than that someone who truly loves her would forgive her behavior, especially if it was not repeated. Explain now that the boy was upset, and when people are upset, they try and usually succeed to hurt the other person's feelings. The Sage suspects you have unusually high expectations for this small child.
5. The Sage does not believe that your desire to meet your children's new sibling is unreasonable, but does agree that it might be better for you to wait until the child has arrived home, unless an explicit invitation has been extended for you to join the family at the hospital. If you are not sure whether such an invitation to the children was meant to include you, you have the Sage's permission to ask the parents-to-be.
6. The Sage thanks you for not rudely pointing out to your father and uncle how rude they were being to share a private joke in a large setting, much less to be using the cell phone at dinner. Let it go. Perhaps try to separate these children at the next family meal.
7. Which Minion let you in here?
8. You are late. Also, Seekers may only visit the Mystic Cave once with the same concern, especially if it has been resolved. However, grandparents who measure their love for a grandchild based on her newly-revealed biology do not deserve a relationship with her.
9. The Sage must remind you that you have no rights regarding your ex's legally made decisions. Be assured that if she were not of legal majority, he would not be seen in public with her. Under no circumstance may you consider using your children as spies, so do not ask.
10. The Sage disagrees that this woman is your friend. A friend would know that you would have been divorced by now, and would be happy that you are moving on with your life.
11. Again, the Sage must remind you that you have no rights regarding your husband's legally made decisions. Unless you believe your children will be lying awake while your husband and his girlfriend copulate, this is none of your business; it is at least not your place to instruct him on correct behavior.
Any other Seekers gathered at the Mystic Cave to ask how to control an ex's behavior with his or her new love, please leave now.
12. The Sage wonders how you surmised that she forced your father's hand. Perhaps she is retaining your father's estate only until her own death, at which time, the remaining estate will be divided between the progeny both of herself and of your father.
13. The Sage will reply that when your children's emotional well-being is at stake, you must be direct and forthcoming. Explain to your bride that the two of you immediately will taking courses or counselling to help you each know what to expect of the children and how properly to deal with them. Add that this is non-negotiable.
14. The Sage suggests that you continue to see your father when your brother does, so that he is not overwhelmed by your father's beliefs. Once you are both of age, you may each do as you wish regarding this relationship. Your father's mind is made up, and he does not wish to be confused with facts, such as that he was not refused permission to see each of you, despite of his warped opinions.
15. The Sage would prefer that you speak privately with this person and explain that this behavior was ill advised, but not as ill advised as posting this picture in a public place. Encourage her to remove the picture and not to repeat the behavior.
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